Dear Goldilocks and Big Hair Believer

I have had several hair questions and I thought I would tackle a couple in one hairy post. This first one, Goldilocks, obviously needs our help. I hope you will leave her your honest comments. The second question about perms ends with humiliating pictures of myself that I seem all to eager to share.

Dear Alisha,

Can we please poll the audience?

I’m careful with my money. I drive an older, plain Jane car. My housewares are from Target. My kids’ closets are full of stitched up hand-me-downs. But there some things I believe are worth EVERY PENNY. I will invest in a good pair of athletic shoes, jeans that fit my oddly shaped body, and a good hair cut and color.

Haven’t we all had a bad haircut and painfully sat out the weeks until we could get our hair RE-cut or RE-colored (and paid for a new REcepit). A talented hair dresser who “gets” my style is pure gold!

Here’s the problem: my husband thinks I pay too much. So I’m looking for some feedback. What do women pay for a good hair cut plus color? Anonymous comments are great. Also, if the price is reduced due to a situation like the hairdresser working out of her home or letting you leave with wet, unstyled hair, will you please note that? Wouldn’t want my husband to get the wrong idea, you know. Thanks!

Sincerely,
Goldilocks

Dear Goldilocks,
Keeping in mind that it is very easy to spend other people's money, I will ask you a few questions before handing down my verdict. Are you going bankrupt? Are you deep in credit card debt? Do you find yourself going with out basics like food or toilet paper because you have spent your money on frivolous purchases?

If you have answered no to all, then let's talk. In life you have to make choices, most of us can not have high maintenance everything. But if you have difficult hair, if you have frequently found yourself with bad haircuts in the past, then by all means prioritize a salon trip to a good stylist. You wear your hair every day! It is your most noticeable accessory! You can not get away from it when it is bad. If your budget allows, spend a reasonable amount of time and money on a good cut and color.

There are few things I can say this about: I am not high maintenance. I can drag a haircut out for 6 months (though I prefer every 3) and I color my own roots in the spots that I am graying. I hope none of you are reading this thinking "that's why her hair looks so terrible! She's the Katie Couric of Hillsboro!" Still, I believe in a good hair stylist. The cut really makes all the difference.

I use to silently judge women that went to the salon monthly for cut and color. How expensive and indulgent! But then I watched the Chris Rock documentary Good Hair and learned how much money and pain African American women have to fork out for good looking hair. Thousands. It was shocking. It made a $140 cut and color look like a small side salad to the main (mane) course.

I say spend the money if you need to. If your are spending a lot of money for "fancy" hair processes like multiple colors that need lightening and darkening, consider simplifying or going longer between visits if it is becoming a financial or marital problem.

Let us answer Goldilocks question shall we:

How much do you spend on your hair and how often?
What do you have done?

8th Grade. My permed hair was styled just right.

Dear Alisha,
Do you see perms coming back in style? If so, when?? If not, will you still be my friend if I get one?
Sincerely,

Big Hair Believer

This is one of my most painful photos. It's the first day of 6th grade and I have made the classic perm mistake: I did not perm early enough for the curl and stench to relax before I made my school debut. It is also the only summer that I attempted and achieved a tan. Lookin' good.

Dear Big Hair Believer,
I think I will let these old photos of myself do the talking.

I will also confess that twice as an adult I have had perms. I have naturally straight hair and was spending too much time trying to make it look curly. Why not get a perm to speed up the process? Three months before my wedding I permed. My hair turned out so curly it was nuts. I could sort of straighten it and then re-curl it but it was still a frizzy mess. I went to a play and a women sincerely complimented me on my corn-rolls. After a few weeks I went back and had it chemically straightened out.
The second time was in 2000. Again, I was tired of curling my hair and wanted more body. Having learned my lesson, or so I thought, I had a loose, big roller perm. The results were better (how could it be worse?) but it still did not look like natural curl and it created more work in the morning. Both perms were very damaging to my hair and I ended up cutting it off afterwards. This last time I wrote in my journal "Never perm your hair again. It never turns out how you wish it would."

When I saw this birthday photo I thought to myself, my hair looks good. Height in the front? Check. Subtle side wings cascading into curls? Check. Tight ringlets all over? Check. 1990? Check.

*Forgive me, I am having font size problems.

Party of One.

Dear Alisha,

I tried to throw a 30th birthday party for someone close to me, and there was not a single YES in the RSVP's. The invitations were elaborate and well thought out, and were very enticing as far as the theme and activites go. The common reason was being out of town. Now, were that many people really out of town all on the same weekend? . . . Are adults with kids too cool to get a little out of their comfort zone for a party? . . . Or are we just that unlikeable? It's tough to make friends in a place were cliques seem to be the comfort for most and reaching out with a party invite doesn't even seem to break down those barriers. Where do I go from here, I am usually quite likable, but lately. . . been feeling like crap!

Sincerely,
Trying to make friends

Dear Trying to Make Friends,

My heart goes out to you. It is so upsetting to plan a party, a fabulous party by your standards, and not have anyone attend. When I go to the effort but have a low turn out, It. Makes. Me. Furious. I want to shout "what were all you losers doing that was better!?"

Without a lot of details, it is hard to say why people did not RSVP yes. I am assuming that not very many attended the event either. It is also hard to pinpoint the magic formula of a well attended, fun party. Yet here are a few things that come to mind:

-Did you over plan the party? Were the theme and activities a little too much for most people? I know that when I have a free date night with my husband, I usually want to relax and have fun. If a party involves driving across town to a hard to find location followed up by activity after activity, it starts to sound like more work than fun and I am okay with missing it for dinner and a movie on our own.

-Was it truly a busy weekend? If you're thinking to yourself "I don't get it, people were really out of town or had plans on Valentines weekend?" Yes, they did. There are other non-holiday weekends that end up being inexplicably very busy. It is always a good idea to clear the date in advance with close friends who you would expect to attend.

-Did you let people know that you needed them to attend? There are so many choices and demands for our free time. I have found that if people think they are needed and appreciated, they are more likely to pick your event. I have planned several parties that have had only one or no favorable RSVP's. Worried, I mentioned to invited guests that no one was planning on attending. (This must be done positively and with discretion.) This seemed to act as a wake-up call, or maybe it was the final straw into the 'yes, we will attend' bucket, but after the reminder nearly everyone invited attended. Sometimes people just think "oh, their good friends will already be attending so I don't need to".

Do not let the low attendance defeat you. Learn the right lesson from the party and plan differently next time. Party on.

Let's help Dear Trying out here:
Has anyone else thrown a party that no one came to?
Do we have any other ideas for why no one attended the party?

Knick Knack Patty Whack-Updated!!

My Mother in Law took this photo of the ground cover at Silver Falls.

Five days since my last post? I really mean to post more often! My excuse, this time, is that my husband has been gone on a "work trip" to South by SouthWest, leaving me to tend to our 3 young children. Now that he's back in town, I bet you're thinking I am posting after sleeping in and enjoying a good night's sleep. Wrong! So wrong.

Did everyone remember that today is St. Patrick's Day? Does anyone care? I have decided to play Good Sport by taking some of the suggestions from the comment room in my Lucky post. I am hiding gold coins around the house with small prizes attached to them, like an ice cream cone promise or quarters. (News post in the near future: Whitman chokes on a quarter!) I made green thumb print cookies with ganache filling last night. Davy is suppose to be cutting out traced green shamrocks. And of course we're dressing in green. This had better win me a Mother of the Year Award.

I'll post pictures at the end of the day.

I had intended on answering a question but none stood out as being fresh and easy to answer. I have a few waiting for the photos to compliment, but nothing for today.

Hint: breezy, funny questions that don't require a lot of research on my part are the most likely to be answered.

Now I am going to attempt ye old St. Patrick's nap.

UPDATE:
I was way to tired to post last night, so here's what you don't care about today. I am calling it my Irish Tribute, my last name is Irish now, you know, so that gives me right.

Quickly, the kids liked these leprechaun cookies, (do not adjust your screen, they were really this bright), but they LOVED finding the hidden gold coins with treasure attached. I hide them in their bedroom and told them they had to clean their room entirely for the last 2 coins. Suckers.


I felt a little silly rolling around Target dressed like a member of Robin Hoods Merry Men, you know, all in green, so I don't know if I'll do that again.
The closest we will probably get to green eyes:

I'd like to say that that my children's laughter was the highlight of the day, but really it was this:
All the Liberty of London stuff now, briefly, at Target. It's selling like hotcakes so gobble up what you can. I've overloaded on pillows, stationary, plates, and -this is important if you live in my area- the red/pink floral sheath dress, which I plan on wearing, so be warned.

Here comes the tribute part:
Red Hair. Anything but natural red hair has been out of style for several years now, I think we were all burned-out after the 90's. But it's back and fresh again. Still, I do not think blue-based reds are making a comeback. So if you're hankering for red, keep in faux natural.

Alec Baldwin. I think he is really funny on 30 Rock and even when he hosts SNL, which I am way to old to watch.

It's not the most exciting photo, but I cleaned off my table to take it and I stole the greenery from a bush by my friend M.'s house, so enjoy.
Lastly, Becky, I mean Rebecca, was right. I was getting too pick with my request for questions. I was tired and therefore feeling lazy. I can only expect so much from you as you should expect little from me.

The End.

Sick of the Same Stupid Stories

Dear Alisha,

What would you suggest doing in the following awkward situation:

My mother-in-law, whom I dearly love, continually tells and re-tells the same stories over and over and over and over. The crowd never changes, so it's not like new people are hearing the stories. She shows no signs of Alzheimer's (she's done this since her children can remember ). Everyone sits around and waits for the story to end, knowing the outcome, and then moves on with the conversation.

Years ago, I got so irritated that each time she started in on a topic I would say, "Oh yes, I have heard you tell this story," only to have her continue, word-for-word the same story, not a detail left out. No deviation from the original. They don't even get better each time she tells the story!

I have laughed it off, playing a game instead with it where I challenge myself to see if I can get say, 9 out of the 10 most common stories just by making one comment. It was pretty fun for a while, but good grief! No one else can ever tell her what's going on in the current life because of all the same stories with which we are inundated.

Obviously this goes against all social rules. Is this a "let it go" situation or do you think a little chit chat (Get some new stories!) is in order?

Sincerely,
Sick of the Same Stupid Stories

Dear SOTSSS,
You're not so short winded yourself. Reading this, I am already worried about when I am an old woman. I mean, I repeat stories now! Take if from a story teller, I HATE it when I realize mid-story that I've told this one before and to the same crowd.

Fact: All old people love re-telling stories. But it sounds like your MiL is a case where it is out of hand. This would drive me crazy. I would be so irritated. And while I have a meddling personality, I still don't think you are the right person to talk to her about it. If there is a right person, it would be who she is the closest to. You don't think her husband or a close daughter has talked to her about it? They would be less likely to devastate her with the evaluation of her prized stories. Even if they talk to her it might not make a difference, she probably does not want to change. I just don't think you can get away with talking to her about this. Coming from me, that says a lot. You are going to have to put up with the stories and hope someday she will tire of them.

You know how we all notice certain flaws or problems in some people but nobody says anything to them? Many years ago I took it on myself to be the person that tells them. I looked at it as a service. I mean if I were the one with chronically bad breathe or who always said something terribly inappropriate to everyone's spouse, I would want to know! I figured I was good for the job because I am not overly concerned with hurting other people's feelings and what they think of me, I think I can get away with saying more than most people, and I like telling people what to do. What I have learned is that many of my comments have been unhelpful and some people have actually got their feelings hurt!!

Having learned my lesson, I am no longer handing out corrections to the general public. Even this summer when I noticed a close friend of mine, a fellow blogger, with an obvious, well... sensitive "body" issue that we are all aware of, I did not say a word, so as to save our friendship.

It is a close call and a hard burden to bare, but I do not think you are the one who will be able to put an end to the repeated stories. My condolences.

Readers? Has anyone out there attempted such a feat as this?

In in related note, If you have known me for long, you know I am a sloppy person. Now I know many say that, but really, I am very messy. In grade school I always had the messiest desk. I often had to sit out recess to clean it up when my teacher would become so frustrated over me losing all my homework assignments. In High School I vowed...

Who Wants a Clean House! (Mrs. Envington)

Dear Alisha,

I've been to your home a few times and it's always so clean! Sure you may complain it gets messy at times, but my bet is there are never any pee stains garnishing the toilet's undercarriage or food bits speckled on the cabinets. How much time do you put into cleaning per week? Do you make your children do any cleaning?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Envington

Dear Mrs. Envington,

Ah, I'm glad the illusion has worked. Of course my house gets messy and reeks of pee (boys bathroom only) at times. I am only human. To answer how much time I spend cleaning, I don't know. It's all I think about and it is my constant goal To Get This House Cleaned Up! Or, To Keep the House Clean!! With three small children, it is impossible.

A Sordid Past

If you have known me for long, you know I am a sloppy person. Now I know many say that, but really, I am very messy. In grade school I always had the messiest desk. I often had to sit out recess to clean it up when my teacher would become so frustrated over me losing all my homework assignments. In High School I vowed to turn over a fresh clean leaf but it didn't last long. Quickly my locker would become so messy that at one point I realized the funny smell in the hall was coming from MY locker. Only now I was older and was too embarrassed to clean it out in front of everyone so I just started avoiding my locker. Then I snuck in late after school one day, cleaned it out, and discovered that the funny smell was a combination of a rotten orange and moldy bread. Why did I ever bring my lunch that day!!? I had a similar problem the next year only I never cleaned out my locker but left it for the janitors to throw away the entire contents at the end of the year.

1. Clean As You Go

So it is with this background that I give you advice. It has taken me a lot of work to have a respectable, often clean house. I have heard of all sorts of different systems out there for organizing your cleaning down to the most minute detail, but here is what it boils down to: you have to clean as you go. And you have to dedicate some time to more deep cleaning each week. Maybe if you are single and childless can you get away with living sloppy and catching up on the weekends, but then you are still spending most of you time in a messy home.

2. Family Style

Once you have a child, you have to consistently clean as you go. Once your children are old enough to help out, you need to teach them to clean up after themselves if you want to have any kind of life at all. I am not perfect at this since I am also impatient. My oldest, age 8, makes his bed, sort of cleans his room, vacuums the house, and occasionally sets the table, takes out the trash or helps otherwise. I am motivated by the idea of raising a responsible man who will help clean up and won't think of his wife as his housekeeper.

3. Use a Housekeeper, If You Can

Lastly, I have a housekeeper. Save your gasping and let me explain. She only comes once every 2 weeks. It started when I was pregnant and had vertigo and could get nothing done. I kept it up through my pregnancy and after the baby was born.. and now. Here is how I justify the expense: I can enjoy my house when it is clean. It keeps the peace. On a Saturday when Justin wants to take the boys to the zoo and I want to scream "WHAT ABOUT THE MESSY BATHROOMS YOU JERKS!!" I can stop and realize that they will be cleaned, soon, and not by me. It is also the only way I can seem to have the entire house clean at once.

I still clean a ton. I put everything away before she gets here and dust or tidy after she leaves. Every mother knows that even a sparkling clean house will not last long with out maintenance. I light clean the bathroom and floors and everything else inbetween visits. . Of all my monthly bills, this is one of the lowest yet brings me the most joy. At first I had a hard time paying for something I was capable of doing myself. Only, am I really capable? Was the house entirely cleaned on a regular basis? I am telling you this in case you have a pig for a husband who says things like 'how come Alisha has 3 kids and can keep her house clean and you can't'? (Said in a stupid voice, of course.) I have a housekeeper, that's how.

The Damning Evidence

It was suggested that I show you a picture of my house messy to make you all feel better. The only problem is that I never think "hey! My house looks like trash! Let me take a picture!!" But then there's my downfall. My bathroom. It is almost always a mess and I have no one but myself and Justin to blame. I can't seem to manage my time so that I can get myself ready with time enough to spare to tidy the bathroom afterwards. It only takes 2 mornings to go from sparking to this:

I hope you are all feeling better.

I have several friends who swear by Flylady.com

What do you guys think of the fancy way this post looks? Justin organized /jazzed up my content. Do you like? Does it look too slick and you miss the mish-mash I usually come up with? Or is this way better?

Prudent Party Girl

Dear Alisha,

What are your thoughts on gifts for adult birthday parties? Of course there are those friends who you are close enough with that you’ll be bestowing birthday treasures on them whether they are having a party or not… but what about the friends who you’re close enough to that you warrant a party invite, but not someone you would have otherwise thought about buying a b-day gift for?

I by no means would expect every party guest to bring me a gift on my own birthday, but showing up empty handed to someone’s home when they are going to feed and entertain me just doesn’t seem right.

What are your rules for birthday gifting? And can you offer any suggestions for good standby gifts to keep on hand for emergency situations? Particularly for male friends?

Sincerely,
Prudent Party Girl

Dear Prudence,

First off, know your crowd. Speaking for suburban adults such as myself, I would not expect guests to bring birthday presents to an adult party, especially if it was a large one, and do not expect my guests to bring them either. I agree with you Prudence. I think by the time we are adults, we only expect gifts from those we are very close to (spouse, parents, therapists). Of course if they are a close friend, feel free to give them a little gift if you want to, but I don't think you should ever feel obligated to give. If I thought I had to bring a gift whenever my friends were having a party (which seems to be happening less and less....), I would attend less parties. Too much of a hassle!

But I agree that I do feel a little empty handed when I arrive to someone's party without a gift. I would ask the host ahead of time if there is anything I could bring/make/contribute. If they the answer is no, you're off the hook. The host just wants you to attend. Again, if you want to bring something and can think of something clever and personal, go for it.

When I have thrown birthday parties for my beloved spouse, there have been a few friends, maybe 10% of the crowd, who have brought small gifts. I haven always been surprised by this, but of course they were not unwelcome. The gifts that I remember were a large can of nuts, a complicated board game, and... a movie? Sometimes men will bring to other man-get-togethers a contribution of snacks or beverages. A pack of Virgil's Root Beer is well received and less awkward than, say, a book of poems or some body lotion.

I am also assuming you are not asking for advice on married women giving married men presents, that's weird. If it was for your husbands boss, I think a card with a sincere message inside would be appropriate. ("Dear Bruce, I hear you've been working out a lot lately and it shows. Keep up the good work, {lipstick kiss}, Mrs. Interested.")

As for women giving women birthday presents, it seems much easier. I find with my friends that some years we do something for each other's birthday and some years we don't. And I don't keep track! I find the unpredictability comforting. Don't you hate it when you realize that a friend's birthday was last week and you did nothing? Oh well, I'll catch her next year.

Small gifts that I have enjoyed from friends include: nice hand soaps with towels that matched my decor, over-priced organic fruit, a frivolous necklace, magazines, a book (a good emergency standby), and flowers. Myself, I often give flowers or make something edible. Something that is a little luxury item that you enjoy makes a good gift. Think of what you would buy if you were to splurge while at New Seasons. Consider a gift that is personal and shows you listen. (You love cats and I bought you this cat magnet! You always complain about your weight so I bought you this body shaper!)

You have now been privy to my opinions and ideas.
What do you usually give? What do you like to get?
Do you dare disagree with my lax stance on giving gifts?


As a well timed reminder to all, my birthday is coming up in the beginning of April.

Dear Lucky

Dear Alisha

I'm not Irish, I don't drink beer, and my kids aren't allowed to pinch, regardless of what someone is or isn't wearing. Why should I celebrate St. Patrick's Day and how?

Sincerely,
Lucky

Dear Lucky,

What I like most about St. Patrick's Day is the fresh green color. That is also the only thing I like about it. I could have written your question myself. Let's just sit this one out.

Speaking of green and while I have your attention, what do you think of the above green dress? It is for sale on ebay and I am considering buying it for myself for summer. It is an original from the 60's, never been worn, and in my size. What I like about it: fresh color, love the light cotton fabric, the sweetness, and like I said It's From The Early 60'S! My concerns are: it might be too big (I know vintage is way smaller but I checked the measurements), will it be flattering-those pretty pleats around the waist could be bad, or is it too juvenile, too frumpy? I am trying to imagine my figure filling it out.
Tell me what you think and none of you better buy it out from under me. I'll notice.

Here is is from the back: (of course I will would wear a slip with it)

Maybe it is a little over the top, but I really want to buy this dress. I'm worried about the size. It's measurements are exactly my measurements and I'm afraid it might be too tight. I don't want to look stuffed.


Justin loves the 60's stewardess look, or is this more Star Trek?

Maybe?
There are plenty more I love but some of the images can not be posted. Hopefully I will pick a few cute ones with out looking like a clown.