Dear Alisha,
What are your thoughts on gifts for adult birthday parties? Of course there are those friends who you are close enough with that you’ll be bestowing birthday treasures on them whether they are having a party or not… but what about the friends who you’re close enough to that you warrant a party invite, but not someone you would have otherwise thought about buying a b-day gift for?
I by no means would expect every party guest to bring me a gift on my own birthday, but showing up empty handed to someone’s home when they are going to feed and entertain me just doesn’t seem right.
What are your rules for birthday gifting? And can you offer any suggestions for good standby gifts to keep on hand for emergency situations? Particularly for male friends?
Sincerely,
Prudent Party Girl
Dear Prudence,
First off, know your crowd. Speaking for suburban adults such as myself, I would not expect guests to bring birthday presents to an adult party, especially if it was a large one, and do not expect my guests to bring them either. I agree with you Prudence. I think by the time we are adults, we only expect gifts from those we are very close to (spouse, parents, therapists). Of course if they are a close friend, feel free to give them a little gift if you want to, but I don't think you should ever feel obligated to give. If I thought I had to bring a gift whenever my friends were having a party (which seems to be happening less and less....), I would attend less parties. Too much of a hassle!
But I agree that I do feel a little empty handed when I arrive to someone's party without a gift. I would ask the host ahead of time if there is anything I could bring/make/contribute. If they the answer is no, you're off the hook. The host just wants you to attend. Again, if you want to bring something and can think of something clever and personal, go for it.
When I have thrown birthday parties for my beloved spouse, there have been a few friends, maybe 10% of the crowd, who have brought small gifts. I haven always been surprised by this, but of course they were not unwelcome. The gifts that I remember were a large can of nuts, a complicated board game, and... a movie? Sometimes men will bring to other man-get-togethers a contribution of snacks or beverages. A pack of Virgil's Root Beer is well received and less awkward than, say, a book of poems or some body lotion.
I am also assuming you are not asking for advice on married women giving married men presents, that's weird. If it was for your husbands boss, I think a card with a sincere message inside would be appropriate. ("Dear Bruce, I hear you've been working out a lot lately and it shows. Keep up the good work, {lipstick kiss}, Mrs. Interested.")
As for women giving women birthday presents, it seems much easier. I find with my friends that some years we do something for each other's birthday and some years we don't. And I don't keep track! I find the unpredictability comforting. Don't you hate it when you realize that a friend's birthday was last week and you did nothing? Oh well, I'll catch her next year.
Small gifts that I have enjoyed from friends include: nice hand soaps with towels that matched my decor, over-priced organic fruit, a frivolous necklace, magazines, a book (a good emergency standby), and flowers. Myself, I often give flowers or make something edible. Something that is a little luxury item that you enjoy makes a good gift. Think of what you would buy if you were to splurge while at New Seasons. Consider a gift that is personal and shows you listen. (You love cats and I bought you this cat magnet! You always complain about your weight so I bought you this body shaper!)
You have now been privy to my opinions and ideas.
What do you usually give? What do you like to get?
Do you dare disagree with my lax stance on giving gifts?
As a well timed reminder to all, my birthday is coming up in the beginning of April.
12 comments:
Receiving gifts from adults other than family members can be awkward. If it is from a female friend, even more so. The only non-awkward gifts to receive as a man in a social situation are joke gifts. Otherwise, I recommend giving non-joke gifts in a smaller crowd. If the giver is a female friend, I recommend that the gift is one that the wife would understand immediately. Otherwise, no gift.
The rule I grew up with is that you generally do not come empty handed whether it's a birthday party or a dinner gathering. A small box of chocolates, bread, wine*, cookies... I'm not saying I follow the rule 100% of the time, but I try.
I don't know if it's a cultural thing or what, but I get annoyed with the "can I bring anything" question. It's awkward. "Yes, can you bring the main dish please?" If you're asking it just to be off the hook then don't ask at all. But if you truly do want to bring something, then do so without asking.
I was out of town on business and a family in our ward invited my husband over for dinner.
So my husband told me later that he showed up with flowers - and gave them to the wife who answered the door - awkward. Very awkward.
I say skip the gift. Friendship is enough.
If a male guest gave me flowers, it would never occur to me to feel awkward. I'd just think that's the way they did things and say 'ooooooh! Thank you!!'
haha to a man bringing another man body lotion. and {lipstick kiss} hilarious.
As a hostess of many parties, I always in advance tell my guests no gifts please, but I do get showing up empty handed at a party isn't not my forte. I usually like to bring something for the hostess, a nice platter, an exquisite invite set for her next party. Something that incorporates nicely into her next party. As for b-day gift giving I usually show up with a prepaid AMex card in a nice card. It's discreet enough to hide in the envelope. Plus the added bonus is it's a great gift to give to those who we aren't particularity close too. And the piece de resistance is they remember me while making their purchase :)
This is a reason I skip out on parties sometimes. We can't always afford them because we both come from big families that live close by (my husband is one of 11 children). My husband also has a big circle of friends he has had since high school and we have a young ward that is always having baby showers. Christmas time is hard enough without all the birthdays, showers and gift exchange parties.
When we have parties we would rather supply everything and expect no gifts because we know how hard and stressful times can be and just want to enjoy their company. When people ask to bring things I think it's sweet but I don't think any less of the people who never ask or bring anything. Just come for goodness sake!!
And because I get a high off of embarrassing people (including myself) I have to say that one of the best birthday presents I have ever received was when Alisha took me shoe shopping. She is one of the most generous and observant people I have ever met. When she noticed a need she could have just bought me a gift card for shoes, but she not only took me to multiple places (insisted on buying me two pairs), she also gave me great fashion lessons and most importantly, her friendship.
What's most impressive is that I'm not the only person that she has done this for. She is a non-cliquey do gooder and I want to be more like that :)
My birthday is coming up. Healthcare! Just give me healthcare! PLEASE!!! I'll have lots of taxes at my party for you.
Dame and I have always made a point to bring something to any "party" we've been invited to. If it's just a get together with friends, such as a casual "no-special-occasion-needed" kind, I don't worry about it.
As for birthday parties, well, I love to give presents and I also appreciate receiving them, so for me I do it. I've never felt slighted if someone didn't bring a gift, so I definitely don't keep a "good friend vs bad friend" hit list.
I'm also shocked that someone would feel awkward with receiving flowers from a guest, whether he or she was coming over without their significant other. Sounds like that person might have been reading one too many romance novels.
As for "President Obama", he sure has a sense of humor. Just one more reason why I love the guy!!! Oh, and I actually read a really good interview of him in the Delta Sky Mag on the plane yesterday, which validated even more my opinion on his character and sincere intentions for this country. . . oops, sorry, I digressed. . . though I think he would bring a gift to any party he was invited to as well.
Shoot! Your birthday is almost here? Well, catch you next year...
Very appropriate answer. I think women should be very cautious with giving men anything-- it looks so desperate (Remember me when your wife keels over!).
Some people are hard to find a suitable gift for, and I'd rather not give them something they'd look at and go, huh?
I always offer to bring something to any party- because I want to, and because it takes a little work off for the host. But, I never expect anyone to bring something when I throw a party.
Oh, and if someone just showed up with an unannounced item of food for the party- generally the host has already thought of it so it is redundant.
Just go have fun at the party. Don't show everyone that you brought a gift, especially if the others may not be bringing one.
(I know I’m going to sound superior here, and I don’t mean to, but I’m not sure how to say this otherwise.) I can’t tell you how many times I do something awkward and then have to dig myself out of a hole trying to avoid falling into that trap again. So when I’m especially frustrated with myself, I’ll search the Emily Post Institute website to educate myself. (Did you roll your eyes at me yet?)
Fortunately much has been written about the when/what/how of party going, gift giving, hostess gifts, and what one should do if he or she receives an unexpected gift.
Prudent, you sound warm-hearted and socially savvy and I realize your question is about birthday gifts. But I thought I'd address some of the topics that seem to apply to the back-and-forth in the comment room. These are practically cut and paste answers with a little commentary from me.
About the birthday gift, Alisha’s answer is spot on. No obligation, but if you’d like to give a gift, go for it. Alternately, you may send a birthday card ahead of time – or bring one – but your verbal thanks when you leave is enough.
Now for the birthday honoree – no matter how awkward you feel receiving a gift, receive it graciously. Someone is showing a gesture of friendship and generosity – don’t discount the offering or stomp on his or her feelings. If someone shows up with a gift in hand, there is no need to whisk it away into a dark corner thinking that it would offend the other guests. If a wrapped gift is brought to your party, it is nice to open it, without fanfare which would perhaps embarrass another guest who did not bring a gift, so you can thank the person who brought it. If you have no time to do this, a thank-you the next time you speak to him or her is sufficient.
The what to give for a birthday seems well covered by Justin and Alisha. But since comments have addressed hostess gifts in general, here goes.
In many parts of the country it is customary for the dinner guest to take a hostess gift, usually flowers, food, or wine. (“many parts of the country” ??? Is that why we’re confused?)
It’s perfectly okay to offer to bring food, but if the hostess declines, don’t. Unless it’s a box of chocolates or something else that the host can enjoy later. Unless you have already consulted with your hostess about bringing a contribution toward the dinner, do not take food as a gift and expect it to be served. The hostess may have planned on serving other food. If you bring a contribution towards dinner, that is your hostess gift.
In lieu of a hostess gift, a phone call the next day to say how much you enjoyed the evening is always welcome. Or send a thank you note (my favorite!).
For what it's worth, I would much rather someone show up empty handed and ready to have a good time than have someone decline an invitation or stress out about what they're supposed to do or how they're supposed to act. Just come be my friend. :)
I think I'm past the point of expecting gifts etc from everyone when I host a party, whether it's a dinner party, birthday party etc.
That said, it is nice to show up with a little something. Chips and dip to a BBQ, flowers to a dinner party etc, but I don't expect that the hostess will use them that night (they might not go with the them of flow of her event) but it certainly adds a nice touch.
I had a friend show up to a dinner party once with a nice bottle of sparkling cider and a cute ribbon tied around it (nice alternative to wine) and back when I was single I had a friend I met on a spring break trip a few months before (I was surprised she even came!) present me with a nice candle (a "man candle" she said because it smelled like a man everytime you burned it and it really did) and some raspberries ( because she "thought it's nice to just be able to enjoy how yummy they taste without having to worry about how much they cost" - we live in AZ so not prime berry country) but it wasn't an expensive gift, didn't take a whole lot of effort, but very thoughtful and very memorable!
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