Dear Alisha,
What would you suggest doing in the following awkward situation:
My mother-in-law, whom I dearly love, continually tells and re-tells the same stories over and over and over and over. The crowd never changes, so it's not like new people are hearing the stories. She shows no signs of Alzheimer's (she's done this since her children can remember ). Everyone sits around and waits for the story to end, knowing the outcome, and then moves on with the conversation.
Years ago, I got so irritated that each time she started in on a topic I would say, "Oh yes, I have heard you tell this story," only to have her continue, word-for-word the same story, not a detail left out. No deviation from the original. They don't even get better each time she tells the story!
I have laughed it off, playing a game instead with it where I challenge myself to see if I can get say, 9 out of the 10 most common stories just by making one comment. It was pretty fun for a while, but good grief! No one else can ever tell her what's going on in the current life because of all the same stories with which we are inundated.
Obviously this goes against all social rules. Is this a "let it go" situation or do you think a little chit chat (Get some new stories!) is in order?
Sincerely,
Sick of the Same Stupid Stories
Dear SOTSSS,
You're not so short winded yourself. Reading this, I am already worried about when I am an old woman. I mean, I repeat stories now! Take if from a story teller, I HATE it when I realize mid-story that I've told this one before and to the same crowd.
Fact: All old people love re-telling stories. But it sounds like your MiL is a case where it is out of hand. This would drive me crazy. I would be so irritated. And while I have a meddling personality, I still don't think you are the right person to talk to her about it. If there is a right person, it would be who she is the closest to. You don't think her husband or a close daughter has talked to her about it? They would be less likely to devastate her with the evaluation of her prized stories. Even if they talk to her it might not make a difference, she probably does not want to change. I just don't think you can get away with talking to her about this. Coming from me, that says a lot. You are going to have to put up with the stories and hope someday she will tire of them.
You know how we all notice certain flaws or problems in some people but nobody says anything to them? Many years ago I took it on myself to be the person that tells them. I looked at it as a service. I mean if I were the one with chronically bad breathe or who always said something terribly inappropriate to everyone's spouse, I would want to know! I figured I was good for the job because I am not overly concerned with hurting other people's feelings and what they think of me, I think I can get away with saying more than most people, and I like telling people what to do. What I have learned is that many of my comments have been unhelpful and some people have actually got their feelings hurt!!
Having learned my lesson, I am no longer handing out corrections to the general public. Even this summer when I noticed a close friend of mine, a fellow blogger, with an obvious, well... sensitive "body" issue that we are all aware of, I did not say a word, so as to save our friendship.
It is a close call and a hard burden to bare, but I do not think you are the one who will be able to put an end to the repeated stories. My condolences.
Readers? Has anyone out there attempted such a feat as this?
In in related note, If you have known me for long, you know I am a sloppy person. Now I know many say that, but really, I am very messy. In grade school I always had the messiest desk. I often had to sit out recess to clean it up when my teacher would become so frustrated over me losing all my homework assignments. In High School I vowed...
19 comments:
I was the one who bought Barrack his first teleprompter to keep him from repeating himself. Only problem is, VP Joey has figured a way to keep "healthcare" locked on the screen. HEALTHCARE, HEALTHCARE, HEALTHCARE. That's all I hear night and day. So annoying!
Fellow Blogger? Sensitive body issue? Haha. Now you are going to have all of your blogging friends wondering if they have a horrible B O (not taking Barrack Obama)problem or some annoying body insecurity...Hey! That better not be about my 21 month boob job comment because that was hilarious... Maybe for a different crowd but... gosh, Mormons are uptight ;)
I think if it's just you that thinks something about someone, try to let it go. If it's something you KNOW other people are talking about too, it needs to be addressed ASAP... if you care about the person. If not, let her keep making an fool out of herself and talk about it behind her back... My goodness, have your husband tell the poor woman!! If you know multiple people are just as frustrated as you she will eventually find out and will be way more hurt if it's 7 years from now and she is all, "You all thought this and nobody said anything to me?"
I have the same issue with my Grandfather-in-law and Mother-in-law (who does have Alzheimer's). I have come to realize that they really don't remember that they have told the story before, and that they retell the stories because they want to be involved in the conversation, and don't know what else to say. I think that if someone were to talk to them about it, you risk the chance of them being really hurt and no longer participating in conversations.
My MiL will ask me 10 times in a visit how my parents are doing, and what I am up to. I just answer her the same way each time, and never tell her that she has already asked. When I have seen other people mention this to her, she tends to look crushed, and gets quiet, no longer participating in the conversation. I know that much of her issue is the illness, however just remember that you don't know if someone has dementia until it is several years underway. The beginning stages don't show like the later ones, and often the person hides the fact.
(another long one from me. maybe this is in my future too.)
It sounds like MiL is aware that she does this and perhaps there’s another issue at play.
Some people like to retell stories because they like to relive them. If this is the case, it’s good to remember that conversation is not simply about transmitting information from one person to another, it’s about a relationship. You could say something like, “Oh yes, and I love it when this happened!” Yes, you’re encouraging the retelling, but you’re also nurturing the relationship with your MiL.
Similarly, sometimes people repeat family stories because they want the family members to remember them. If people do not validate them (by cutting her off, or sitting silently without the usual nods or signs of interest, or looking bored which you are since you already heard everything), it only perpetuates the problem. You could try asking your MiL to write these stories in a family journal or tape her retelling them. My parents are starting to get to the age where they love being asked to do this.
Some who feel awkward with conversation tell the same stories because it’s comfortable. They’ve had an opportunity to practice telling the story before, and may not feel like they could do as well with new material. These people stick with what they know. Similarly, sometimes people repeat stories because they’ve run out of stories to tell, yet they still want to contribute to the conversation. An older person who doesn’t have much to do may feel they don't have anything to talk about, so they keep repeating what was once interesting.
Others are grateful for a captive audience. (As a SAHM sometimes I’m a little TOO eager to have an adult who will listen to me at the end of the day!) But sometimes this can be an issue of passive aggression. Because your family is polite enough to sit and listen while your MiL finishes her tale, she essentially forces you to hear her out. When she’s among a different crowd of people, does she repeat herself or is she better about keeping in line? If not, then this may be the case.
Sorry, Sick. I feel for you on this one. My family has two elders who repeat themselves ad nauseam. Alisha’s right – you’re not the one to call MiL out on this one. IF anyone does (and it sounds like people have tried), this is best done privately by someone with a prior relationship, such as a biological child or spouse.
Feeling guilty about my boldness. I was just trying to put myself in her shoes. Those closest to her (your husband and his family)will know best how to address this situation, or even if it is a situation worth addressing at all. Good Luck!
This is a tough situation for SotSSS. Being the peacemaker that I am I would say nothing and listen somewhat patiently, but probably complain a bit to my husband.
On the other hand, I have heard Alisha repeat many stories to varied audiences, but I don't mind at all. Alisha is always entertaining regardless of her material. To be fair, she does have a plethora of stories so it's not like the same 10 recycled over and over plus she adds new stories all the time.
Can we please start a list of our favorite Alisha stories?
yeah, let's start a list. what comes to mind first is your re-enactment of Justin clapping like a seal for 'a smokier eye! A smokier eye!'
No lists Bekah!!!
I have to watch you. You're a trouble maker.
Pretty disappointed that I missed the invisible stirrups story (thanks Rachel), Hahaha. I need to go to more book clubs!! And no offense to anyone but they are a little lame until Alisha gets there.
Think you need to add a weekly webcam talk show to your blog. One cannot fully appreciate Alisha stories without the voice, facial expressions and hilarious body language.... ok, your blog has gotten WAY too addicting. I'm seriously taking a break now :)
Yes, I think the real problem with the MiL is that her stories are too boring...she doesn't need someone to tell her to stop, she needs someone to teach her how to tell them with verve, enthusiasm, character, a sparkle in her eye...yes, she needs lessons from Alisha!
Alisha is the kind of story teller that gets asked to retell the same story over and over again...
Like you're at a party and Alisha is there, and you say "Alisha, tell everyone the one about...", because she's so freakin entertaining.
MiL needs to be more entertaining!!
I have witnessed Alisha retelling the same ole boring stories, but with a rather energetic twist for example - we were both at the same party and she had a booger sticking out of her nose the entire time she was story telling, no one told her, I think we should do the same for repeat story telling..hush hush just enjoy the entertainment.
When I first married into Alisha's family, I thought of myself as a good storyteller. I remember then sitting around the dinner table with her family listening as one entertaining story was told after another by different family members. I decided to jump in and tell a story. I got a few sentences in when I was cut off with a more entertaining story by someone else. I was shocked. I thought it was rude. Over time I learned to appreciate it. You see, in my family, the point of telling a story was to reveal new information. In Alishas family, the point was to entertain. It didn't matter if you repeated a story already told, as long as it was entertaining. In fact, some of Alisha's family, including herself, have a greatest hits of stories. I have learned to love this engaging, ruthless, and laughing so hard you have tears in your eyes.
I don't care how many times I hear a story, especially if it is hilariously funny. And told to entertain. And I love visualizing the way it's told--late at night I can see the person retelling it in my mind and I won't be able to quit laughing. That's what I love.
Having to sit through a factual story which has been repeated verbatim dozens of times literally sucks the life out of me.
I have a friend that annoyingly repeats the same stories. She definately does them with enthusiasm and I tell her oh yeah I remember you telling me this before and that doesn't stop her. I just nod my head and think of other things or look around at other people and quietly laugh to myself about how ridiculous this is and then move on or sometimes I finish the story for her so she knows that I already know it and it doesn't even phase her. I say just let it go. I would take a repeat story over a room full of awkward silence anyday.
Dallmann,
Please say that "friend" isn't me!
Please.
Alisha,
I am DYING laughing at the thought of you being discreet or even tactful in your observances. Was I your main project in your I’ll-point-out-your-flaws-and-fix-your-life phase? I was just recalling upon the many, many pearls of wisdom you’ve laid upon me….. 1. “You constantly have eye boogers….. Could be because you wear too much eyeliner… you know, teenagers wear eyeliner like that not really adults.” 2. “Are those jeans painted on? Seriously, did you have to lay down when you zipped them up, they make your butt look hungry (followed by classy teeth nashing)” 3. My favorite, at church on Christmas day “Wow, you look like you fell asleep in your car, after a night of binge drinking, and then woke up, smeared makeup across your face and walked in, but great to see you.”
Alisha Garrity the reformed Queen of Discretion
The last comment seriously has tears coming down my cheeks!!! I often put my foot in my mouth with comments I say or sometimes "don't say" (you know the times someone compliments you and you don't reciprocate? Sorry I just don't usually have that going on in my head). All in the name of brutal honesty is my motto!
Actually, I chalk it up to a defective filter mechanism in my brain. Dame is usually that external mechanism with signals in the tone of his voice or sometimes a flick of his foot to my shin.
As for a repeat story offender, well, if no else really cares then you can always excuse yourself to the "bathroom" or sometimes I see people starting up "cross-talk" conversations. I personally will just sit and endure the repeated story, but that's usually because people put up with my "Taryn-isms" frequently, so I'm all about keeping good Karma!
I'd imagine that the reported "repeat story offender" in this post has been told by those around her of her incessant Ground Hog's day issue, and she probably doesn't care that she does it (of course unless she really does have dementia or alzheimer's, maybe undiagnosed?).
Honestly, unless it's taking away from valuable content in the conversation, I would suggest just find something else to occupy your mind or attention during her "sessions".
And of course there is always the option to avoid. . . this is a tactic I take OFTEN with people and situations I prefer not to get irritated with. I get irritated enough with other things in my life that if I can check one off of my list to NOT have to deal with then I know I'll be that less likely to say something inappropriate (well, based on respectful standards) or cuss them out. ;-)
Haha, not you Alisha, that friend is not you.
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