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Dear Alisha,
I'm thinking about my upcoming high school reunion, and realized that there's bound to be a lot of social hugging expected. Truth is that I'm just not comfortable hugging these people! But I don't want to appear stand-offish. Any ideas how I can tactfully get out of obligatory hugs?
Sincerely,
Space Please
Dear Space Please,
Take if from me, the more you over-think a hug, the more awkward future hugging will become.
I can think of two occasions in my own life that illustrate this. The first happened when I was a young teen. I cannot remember the exact people involved, but I was with a small group of close friends saying goodbye and hugging out-of-towners. I did not know the people enough to merit a hug under normal circumstances. At then end of the hugging line one of the grown men offered me a mercy hug. Awkwardly I gave a quick hug, reaching up because he was tall. Then someone (who? I can't remember who!) said something like "usually when you hug men that aren't your husband you don't put your arms around their neck", not in a quiet voice either. I was mortified.
After that I had reason to worry about hugs. Fortunately no hugging occasion besides grandparent visits presented itself. Then in High School I had a male friend, and only a friend, who was moving away and my group of friends were going to have a going away party for him. I knew that at the end of this party we would all say goodbye and hug him. This really worried me. A couple of days before the party I tried to study how other people hugged. Girls were easy enough, but boys in a non-boyfriend situation were impossible! If I put my arms around on his shoulders and neck that might send the wrong message. But would putting my arms around his waist be any better?
As predicted, my friends started hugging him goodbye. Frantically I watched how each person hugged. But it all went so fast I couldn't tell what went where! It was my turn. If I staled and tried to get into the perfect hugging position, that would only draw more attention and make things worse. Quickly I gave him a short half hug and it was over. Such a relief. I hugged a male and it went just fine!
Maybe you could practice quick hugs on a friend. If you live in Oregon, Justin is available. He is not really a hugger either so you'll have to initiate. If you live in Arizona, Janalee loves giving hugs as often as she can! My Idaho readers should try Angie, she likes post-work out hugs. But not Nick, who prefers chest bumps. Utah readers, try out a hug with Becky. Warning: she is the reason Christian Side Hugs were invented, if you know what I mean.
Bad idea because it is too deliberate and weird: Christian Side Hugs. They are ridiculous in a way that only southern Christians can dream up. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check them out here.
I am trying to troubleshoot any possible problems for you. It is unlikely but if your hugger starts to linger, a quick pat on the back with your hugging arm lets them know the hug is over. If you absolutely can not bare to hug someone (i.e. they have been drinking too much, they're covered in cat hair, an old flame that you might enjoy hugging a little too much) a handshake with arm pat is acceptable.
No snuggly-hugs. This photo kills me every time. I can't believe I am saying this, but I suggest you follow Bush's example with his left arm half hug.I am not a hugger either and would prefer to skip most hugs. But now I can hug freely and comfortably, even if it's not my favorite way to greet a friend.
Back to your question. The half-hug, slight lean in with one arm is your answer. Not too personal, not too close, but not stand-offish either. I am not going to lie to you, you are going to have to hug a few people at your high school reunion. Not everyone at your reunion will want to hug you. But we ALL know there are plenty of huggers out there and they are sure to get the ball rolling. That doesn't mean you have to start going cat lady crazy and hugging everyone you see. Your job is just to reciprocate the hug when it is offered. It will only take a second and you can go about enjoying your night.
But what about you? With out judgment I ask:
How do you feel about hugs? Who among you are frequent huggers?
11 comments:
I am not a hugger, but I am not anti hugs. I can go either way. I could not see my best friends for years and be just fine not hugging them. It doesn't mean I don't love people, or am not excited to see them. I am fine hugging if someone else initiates it. I have friends that are big time huggers and so I know to expect it. Even when Merilee (who is my sister for those who don't know us) comes to town I rarely hug her.
I have a few nieces and nephews that hug everyone in the room when they first get some where and then again when they are all leaving. You know it is coming. I had to implement a one hug per visit rule. I think their mom told them to make sure they hug everyone multiple times. My visiting teaching companion is a hugger (arriving and leaving) and so then it becomes very awkward if I don't also hug the ladies we go visit. Sometimes I do hug them, but usually just wave bye with a smile.
The only exceptions to this are my husband and two kids. I could hug them all day long.
At your high school reunion you are going to get hugs. Just hope that there is so many people there that you just have to give a quick hug to and a little hello. I hate hugging an acquaintance and then having to stand around trying to think of something to say, Give me a hug, ask how I am doing and then move on. This is only how I feel about the people I don't really know
So who was this kid who moved away that you were terrified of hugging? Maybe this is a personal email question.
I've always been accused of having bad form to my hugs. They're too light, I give too quick of pats on the back. Even once - I hug like a politician. ?? And I do try to avoid full body contact. I just don't enjoy hugging other people as a form of greeting or goodbying. But I've learned to cooperate with hugs, but I'm never an initiator.
They're not that bad. It's one of those social things you have to participate in or be "the weird one". Like saying Bless you! when someone sneezes. (which I never say btw)
hee hee! So how do I go about scheduling a hugging practice session with Justin? Can I just drop in and see if he's available? I think next time I see him I'll make a point of hugging him a few times.
What about the different types of appropriate hugging between men & women vs a woman to woman hug? And do men ever hug men? I don't really know. But if so, that seem like the perfect time to use the christian side hug, minus the singing and dancing.
I do not like hugging 90% of the people who go in for a hug. Why is full body contact a form of greeting? I don't enjoy touching people that i don't feel a connection to, even a pat on the back. If a waitress or a friend of a friend touches me, I feel violated.
I do know (and usually realize in this moment) that I feel a real emotional connection to someone (friend or relative), when I have some desire to hug them.
When I see you Alisha, I want a quick awkward hug upon greeting, and maybe days later when I leave.That amount of time or space is about what I need.
My exceptions are: Partner, Child, or parent. And my girlfriend Antonette, she's a very maternal back scratcher.
I also don't enjoy hugging a man I'm not in a romantic relationship with, or related to, period. Why should we hug? A warm hand shake says so much.
BUT, let's try this out. The next time we get together, let's just hug it out. For hours. We can cuddle and hug, then hug and cuddle (repeat). It'd probably be a bonding experience. Maybe we can take pictures, and Mom can scrapbook a page for us.
XOXOXOXO! or OOOOOOOOOO
This is a funny post, but what I'd really like is a poll of female hand shakers! Are you a wimpy, wet noodle or a confident, firm hand shaker?
I'm told time and time again that I have a nice handshake for a woman (that is men mention this). The feminist in me would usually go off on such a sexist comment, but I've shaken other women's hands and there is something timid, wet-noodle-ish to most of the women's hands I've shook. What's with that?!!!
As for hugs, well, I never feel obligated to press my body up against someone unless I'm feeling it ;-) Are you feeling me?!
I am a hugger, I admit it. But there's a greeter that stands at the door of our church's chapel and hands out programs every Sunday. He's kind of creepy and slightly...retarded, but not in a sweet, down's syndrome kind of way. Sorry, I'm being very non-PC. But he gives hugs to everyone that enters. And he holds on for a while. It's weird. I now walk all the way around the church building so I can go in the other door, or I slip in while he's hugging someone else. I've started to re-think my hugging tendencies, especially if I've ever come across like him.
Ok, I think I'm a hugger, (my parents were/are huggers, especially my mom, and I liked it) but mostly for family and close friends I haven't seen for a while. I try to look for signs of the other person initiating if I have any question about it. But a person can do a careful hug quickly and easily enough if they don't act real awkward about it. And I can't say I ever hug for visiting teaching.
About the handshake - I used to rather pride myself on a very firm handshake, hating the wet fish wishy washy ones, but learned why others don't have a strong one when I had tendonitus in my right elbow for 3 yrs. Then you just pray someone doesn't shake your hand hard, cuz once I almost went down to my knees in pain in a re-injury. So keep elbow or shoulder issues in mind if you think someone shakes in an oily, uncuous way - there may be more reason than meets the eye.
Sorry, somehow that last comment didn't go under as me, but HHS, ??
You couldn't find a picture of me hugging an illegal? It better than the one of George hugging a patriot. I give them a full embrace.
Wow that photo of Bush and McCain is awful! So terrible! So painful!
I used to hate being hugged by older relatives with large bosoms and finding your face completely buried by them...it always made my neck sore too because they'd squeeze you in SO tight that your head was at an awkward angle. And suffocating was a problem.
"Hugs" (hate that word) are reserved only for the ones I happen to like. Anyone else gets the side/shoulder/look to the other side hug.
Isn't it annoying when someone comes up to you to hug you and your arms are full of baby, purse, coat, etc.? You really have no ability to reciprocate. I hate that.
I may be a moody Hugger. Suprise!
I have no hard and fast rules for hugging.
I will for blood relatives. Outside of that, they must instigate. Or its a really good friend (yes, I instigate with Megan)
I feel one factor that occurs with women is that more "chesty" women notice the awkwardness of hugging verses us "leave more to the imagination" sized chest. At that point, isnt a handshake or pat on the back just more comfortable?
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