Scared to Light a Match

Dear Alisha,

I feel really bad even asking this question but... My husband and I only have one bathroom in our humble abode. Most bathroom tasks are no problem but after he's been in there for a while, it's really really bad. Repugnant is a good word for it. I've tried everything from sprays (they help a little), candles (these don't help at all), and I've even got potpourri on the back of the toilet (of course i make sure the fan is running)! But it normally makes the bathroom unbearable for the rest of the day! I've brought it up a few times and he always seems a little offended that I would even mention that.

What's a girl to do? Help! You've got plenty of boys at home so I am sure you'll have the perfect fix. What do you do to keep your bathrooms smelling fresh all day long?

Sincerely,

Scared to Light a Match


Dear Scared,

I thought about skipping your question. I do not want my blog to be known for discussing the lower things of life. But then last night I made black beans for dinner and followed it up by eating a hearty amount of sugar free chocolate, or as Justin called it, "the Perfect Storm". As I sat there, listening to the poor man's version of the William Tell Overture, I thought of you. What would I do if this were our only bathroom? How would we face each other in the morning? So I have taken on your question and hopefully, together, we can find a solution.

One bathroom for all. That's rough. I've been trying think what I've previously done in a shared bathroom situation. The most obvious and common solution is to cover up the bad smell with a more pleasant smell, which you have already tried. Problem is, air fresheners conjure up the feeling of anything but freshness. "Garden Potpourri" becomes a flower garden that could only be growing at a waste treatment facility, and "apple blossom" is a bloom growing from a sulfur spring. This leads the problem of associated scents. Now when I smell "garden potpourri', even with out the accompanying foulness, my brain thinks it smells the stink too.

When I worked at a showroom, all the employees and customers shared the same bathroom. Our air freshener was a cinnamon spray. At first it wasn't too bad. It was a relief to not be over powered by cheap floral smells. Still, it smelt like something, something I couldn't put my finger on (literally). "A beef bakery!!", I proclaimed one day. Yes our bathroom smells exactly how you would expect a beef bakery to smell. I was glad I finally nailed the scent but my disgusted co-workers said I ruined the effectiveness of the spray for them.

Concerned about this very problem when we were first married and shared a bathroom, Justin came home excited one day. He had found a secret solution while "visiting" an office. In their restroom they used cedar oil spray as a fresher. He was practically giddy telling me how it smelt good and didn't mingle with foul smells in the wrong way but was still a strong enough scent. He had written down the label information off the bottle and ordered some for us. It was nice. It was just essential cedar oil, mixed with a little water, put in a spritz bottle.

Have you tried any of the odorless air fresheners? Like KO Odor Eliminator?

If it makes you feel better, my boys bathroom does not always smell good. Generally speaking, I keep our bathrooms good smelling just by keeping them clean and then running the fan when needed. Maybe you could use a better bathroom fan?

I am out of ideas. What else can you do to remove smelly air? Let's take it to our Readers.

Readers? Do you have any suggestions for dear Scared to Light a Match and her gass-ly problem? Has anything worked for you?

(do not say Glade Air fresheners. I HATE Glade air "fresheners".)

The Flower Thief

"The best things in life are free"

Dear Alisha,

A friend brought me the most beautiful flowers for my birthday…then told me she’d stolen them from a stranger’s yard.

Should I be flattered that my friend went to such great length to find my favorite flowers? Or should I be appalled that my friend is a thief?

To make matters worse, when I found out the flowers had been stolen, I made no effort to rid myself of the tainted goods. I still loved them and proudly displayed them in my entry. Should I feel guilty for NOT feeling guilty? Are my friend and I both conscienceless scums?

Sincerely,
Friend of a Flower Thief

Wild on the side of road, that's where these lush sweet peas can be found. Can you believe other people don't stop and pick them?

Dear (Lucky) Friend of a Flower Thief,

As I already told you, the stranger wasn't taking care of his yard at all! His neighbors said he probably wouldn't even notice if I picked ALL his roses, and I just helped myself to a modest portion of them.
Feeling guilty won't bring him his roses back, now will they? Enjoy them. Be flattered.

Obviously, this question is directed towards me.

Readers, this is my not-well-kept secret. I've been helping myself to flowers around town. I will try to defend myself, but know that my only shame is in getting caught.

I really, really love fresh flowers. It seems like such a waste to buy inferior flowers at a grocery store when there are lovely flowers rotting away in someones yard or growing on the side of the road. Homegrown flowers just look and smell better anyways.

It's true, I took roses out of a strangers yard for a friends birthday recently. In my defense, my teenage babysitter lived down his street and, upon my repeated asking, said that he didn't take care of his yard, the association watered it, and he would probably care less if I took his roses. So I cut back all his dead roses, scooped up the remains, scratching my hands in the process, hauled away the debris, and for my service I took but a large bunch of roses. I knocked on his door before I did it. He wasn't home (calculated on my part), and I brazenly parked in his driveway.

My husband wishes it had stopped there, but I needed hydrangeas. Both the lady living behind us had some (I asked first, sort of), and the neighbors down the street (our yard maintenance crew was trimming their bushes already), had ripe bushes. Sweet peas growing on the side of the road are free game in my mind, even if they are right next to a well tended yard. Once your personal barriers are lifted, the whole city is ripe for the picking.

You wouldn't believe how many flower opportunities there are around here! Even in the lousy Winco parking lot, there are bushes overgrown with white and yellow blooms. "They're for the public to enjoy", I told myself. But as I cased, I mean, drove through the parking lot last night, snips handy, I noticed they were turning brown and no one had even had a chance to enjoy them! They would have been better off with me.

So you don't think I'm unethical, I have set up rules for myself: No taking flowers from cared for gardens or parks. Don't get greedy. That's about all my rules.

It's true I now keep garden snips at the ready in the center console of my car. You never know when the perfect opportunity will preset itself. I am always looking for my next mark. "I don't have a problem, I can stop anytime."

Those of you with gardens could help me out. You could put an end to my crime spree by offering your unused flowers to me. I plan on paying back all those who have given me flowers, wittingly or not, with dahlias I've been growing this fall. Gorgeous, lush, rich colored dahlias.

Are we? Are we conscienceless scums?

These are every where. They look a little more wild, but oh so summery.

All these cost me were my dignity.

*Let's try this again: Those of you with gardens could help me out. I thought my comment room would be brimming with offers from garden owners to come pick of their blooms.

Excessive Behavior

Ten years ago I graduated college, moved to Oregon, had no kids, and found myself spending a long, long time gazing at nail polish in my local grocery store. It was fall and I was picking out what would be my new winter red. I didn't want it to be as brown as last year's, maybe a little more deep and rich looking, I told myself. I gazed at hundreds of bottles, sampled the contenders on my fingernails, debated some more, and then finally bought my bottle. I went home, pulled out my nail supply box, and realized I had bought the exact same nail polish the previous fall. Exact. And the year before that too. I had 3 bottles of the exact same shade and brand of nail polish. Each time I purchased it I thought I was changing things up a bit and had no memory of previously buying that same color. This was the first time I realized I have buying habits. I'm drawn towards the same kind of thing over and over again.

[On a complete side note, this is my new favorite brand of nail polish. Sally Hansen complete salon manicure. It comes on so smooth and quick and dries fast but doesn't dry out my nails. It's worth the extra $3 in price.]

I know I'm not alone in this, repeat purchases. Middle-aged women love to buy capri pants. Men in their 30's love buying chords to attach their electronics. Teenagers buy loads of flip-flops. Everyone has something. At the end of all this you can tell me what you over-buy.

Rather than just being excessive, I think it's more about buying habits than hoarding or materialism. Here is a sampling of what I have caught myself over buying and what I was thinking to justify the excess:


1. Good smelling natural cleaners. It started a few years ago with Method's Pink Grapefruit All Purpose Cleaner. I realized that 1) I don't want all the unnecessary chemicals in my house from regular cleaners, and 2) good smelling sprays made cleaning enjoyable. When you're all done, your house smells good rather than like harsh chemicals. There use to be only a few natural cleaners to chose from, so I'd pay attention to each new one and purchase it. Now there are plenty of choices but I still pay can't help from stopping to smell them all. This smell will inspire me to clean. Good packaging on the bottle adds to the appeal as well. I don't know how any of you using the giant jug of Costco-generic cleaners have a clean house. The cleaner is just so unappealing! I don't even want to touch it!

Because this could be a whole post on it's own, I'll just focus on all-purpose natural cleaners, leaving out hand soaps or toilet cleaners. We have to draw a line somewhere. In short, I haven't found a natural toilet bowl or dishwasher cleaner that works very well.

I thought I'd take this opportunity to give you a quick run down on natural cleaners I have tried. From left to right (if this doesn't interest you, you have my permission to skip to #2):

- Method wood floor cleaner, pretty good if I bother to use it. I do like method products enough that I have finished off a couple of bottles already.
- Biokleen all purpose, really mild, can't smell it at all.
- Meyer's clean day products- very,very fragrant. I recommend their counter top cleaner or others if you like your house scented. The multi-colored first bottle you see, "baby blossom" is my favorite for cleaning our baby's room. On the other hand I bought "lemon verbena" counter top spray and loved it to death, thought it smelt green and herby and citrusy till one day it hit me wrong and smelt like green rot. Don't worry Jana, I didn't throw it out. I gave it to my neighbor.
-Green Works, from Johnson and Johnson. Who knows how green it really is, but it works. I really like the glass and surface spray as it does not contain ammonia, which I hate.

-Caldrea cleaners, now available at Target. These are my new favorite scents. I LOVE the "citron ginger" mix with grapefruit and basil. I bought the "herbs of Provence" for a friend but kept it for myself.
-J.R. Watkins natural home care- I like all their products and packaging. Cheapest price is at Target.
-Seventh Generation- they are a good company. I like some of their products better than others. I enjoy their lavender floral & mint dish soap, but my socks stay on for their bathroom cleaner.

Enough about that. Moving on..


2. Silver/grey shoes. I've known this for a little while, but didn't realize how bad it had become till I lined them all up for a picture last spring. Here's what I was thinking "I want a shoe that goes with almost everything, but not black again.... something lighter, something newer.. hey how about a metallic?! Silver! I'm a silver person. Yes, this will be the the shoe that freshens my whole wardrobe. This will be a work horse of a shoe." Ten pairs later, I can't say that any of these were my go-to shoe of the season. I'm learning. My hands reached for a silver sandal just this past month, but I caught myself and walked away with my head held high.



3. Flowers. This is more of a summer time excess, and I think this is my worst (or best) year. I just love fresh flowers. They elevate the space they occupy. I feel so indulgent having a lush bunch of them. They provide motivation for keeping my house clean. Since they expire quickly, there should be no problem with excess, right? Only sometimes I buy more than I need to, claiming I will give a large portion of them away to friends and people I owe. Then I bring them into my house and I love them so much I can barely stand not to hoard them all for myself.

I arranged 4 bouquets to give away, but rest assured 4 bouquets did not make it out of the house. I need one for my kitchen table of course. And what's a dining room without flowers in it? A couple of blooms on my night stand would look romantic... If you have received nice looking flowers from me, realize the sacrifice and self-control that went in to your delivery.

There's another side to this flower excess, a seedy, shameful side. But that's too much for today so I'll try to take it on tomorrow. You've been warned.

I know it's not just me that does this.
I bet most of you have buying habits that lead to more than you need.

What do you have excessive amounts of??
It feels good to get it off your chest.

Not a Teenager Anymore

"Does she have to talk about herself in every single post?? Is she really that narcissictic??" Yes.

Warning: this next post is a little Chicken Soup for the New Mother's Soul, if you know what I mean.

Dear Alisha,

I've never met you, but you come off as very put together. You know who you are and you're not making any excuses. You're confident, smart, witty, and funny. I love reading your blog because it is a breath of fresh air.

At this time in my life, I am struggling. I desperately need and want to "come into my own" after having my first child almost a year and a half ago. I find myself feeling like a insecure teenager all over again as I venture into the culture of stay-at-home moms, play dates, budget planning, family time spending, etc. Before having a kid, I didn't fit into the "mom" crowd, and now that I'm there, I feel insecure and a little paranoid. "Were they talking about me when they said x, y, and z???"

How do I find myself again? I never expected to feel like this, especially after living on my own for many years before getting married, going on a mission for the LDS church, and feeling quite confident in who I was before having a child. Why am I feeling like this? Is there anybody else out there who has experienced the same thing, or is it rare to not just fall into a new category in life and embrace it? I want to have my old confidence back -- feel safe in my own skin. I guess that's why I love your blog, because you seem to embody who I feel like I was not too long ago.

Sincerely,
Not a teenager anymore


Dear Not a Teenager Anymore,

Flattery will get you everywhere. There is a decent chance that in real life I would drive you nuts.

It sounds like you are going through an identity "crisis".

Oh man, going from working full time to staying home all the time was a huge adjustment for me. I was constantly asking myself "what am I suppose to be doing"? I missed a faster pace life. Deadlines. The feeling of productivity and accomplishment. Uninterrupted sleep. Social Interaction.

I can't say I still don't miss some of those things, but I've created a life that I enjoy most of the time. It is not in my nature to be easily content, so take that into consideration when reading my suggestions. Oh, also, I'm not really a kid person. At all. Looking back, having one child was harder in some ways than having three children. I had so much time on my hands but none of it felt like mine.

I think most new stay-at-home moms go through an adjustment period of some sort that can be rough. Notice I didn't say all new moms. There are a few I know who happily fell right into it. Rest assured these moms are really nice and non-judgemental, so don't worry that they think less of you if you're struggling. I have noted that my friends who had satisfying careers or who went on a mission and really established lives for themselves, seemed to have a harder time adjusting to staying at home. Maybe it has something to do with changing your ideals or adjusting to a different pace of life. Maybe they (we) felt like they were giving up more.

What ever the reason, here are a few ideas for help adjusting:

1. Don't give up on yourself. Sure, you are now mother to the world's most remarkable and unique baby, but you still have to take an interest in yourself. Pursue skills or hobbies that were of interest to you before you had your baby. If those are no longer of interest to you, think what you would like to learn about. Do not attempt a hobby because you think you are suppose to like it. There is a never ending list of appealing handy skills to have as a mother and homemaker. There is an even longer list of things to learn about that make you an interesting and fulfilled person. The two categories even overlap. Pick one thing, something, and plug away at it. You don't have to be good at everything at once. Just learn a little more each day.

At the least, when your baby is sleeping, read those books you've always wanted to but have never had a chance. If you don't have a list, read "the classics". What a treat. Whatever you do, don't just sit around waiting for this time of life to pass.
Here I am "developing a skill". Truth be told, I have a hard time being happy if I'm not working on something. (Please don't tell me how young I look here, 8 years ago. You're really just telling me I look old now.)

2. Get enough sleep and then get busy. Sleeping no longer becomes a given once you become a mother. Do whatever you need to do to make sure you are getting enough sleep. Then once you are well rested, don't laze around all day. That won't make you feel better or more confident.
Disclaimer: my youngest is 15 months and I take about 2 naps a week.

3. Make friends. Do you know how many stay-at-home-moms think they aren't the typical stay-at-home-mom?? I find other mothers to be a great source of advice, laughter, encouragement, and entertainment. In my quest for other stay at home-at-home friends, I have met some nuts. It's true there are wacky, behind the times women out there. But mostly I have met a lot of neat women trying to figure out how to balance life and have a good time doing it. Be open with them. I love play-dates at the park with other moms: kids play, we talk, no one has a dirty house. I love my book club. I love hanging out with women who have kids older than mine because they have really good ideas about what to do with kids and how to raise them successfully. Whatever you do, don't waste your time thinking that other moms are talking behind your back. Tell yourself to stop worrying about it!

4. Some would say exercise, but I can't make a case for it. If you have a load of extra baby weight you are carrying around, you might as well put the work required into losing that weight. You'll feel better. [I like the South Beach diet.]

Readers, don't fail me now. Has anyone else felt this way? What helpful advice might you give Not a Teenager Anymore??

Junior High Blues

Special Treat: my 8th grade class photo.*

Dear Alisha,

Whenever I go to Young Women's (I'm 12) I don't feel like myself. I can't even start a conversation. My mom asked a very talkative lady for advice, so we had a practice conversation. She said that I need to spice it up more and ask questions to the person I'm talking to. Lucky for me I have mutual tonight so I can practice my conversation skills.

There's also this girl who I feel judges my every move, she's can also be very snotty to me. She seems to act like she knows everyone and everything. Unfortunately, her mom is a YW leader so it's not like I can just come up to her and start trash talking when she is having one of her "snotty" moments (just kidding I wouldn't do that, or would I?).

Do you know how I can be myself? How am I supposed to treat this snotty girl? How do I start a conversation without feeling uncomfortable?

Sincerely,

Junior High Blues

Dear Junior High Blues,

First off, you're in good company. I think almost all women felt uncomfortable and very self aware at your age. Between the ages of 12- 13 or 14 I remember not only caring what others thought of me, but worrying about it. I didn't have the problem of not being able to start a conversation -I had the opposite, which has to be worse. I would catch myself saying the dumbest things, particularly around older teens, and then think "why did I say that? She's going to think I'm an idiot! She'll never forget that I said something so stupid!" I'm pretty sure no one but me ever remembered any of my silly comments. It's okay to make a mistake and say the wrong thing.

This might not be very helpful, but around age 14 I relaxed. I quit worrying about whether this person or that person that I barely knew thought I was cool or not. I liked what I was doing and that mattered more. When I started relaxing, I had more fun. It made it easier to be myself and make friends. I don't know how to tell you to relax. I can only say that everyone your age is in the same boat. They're all worried that they are saying the wrong thing or that no one's noticing them for the right reasons. The meaner they are, the more the insecure they are.

I would not put pressure on yourself to be Mrs. Chatty-Pants. If you have something to say, say it. Otherwise it is okay to listen to others and be pleasant. Before you know it, you'll feel comfortable enough to join in and even lead the conversation.

About your know-it-all snotty friend, are you talking about me?? Kidding. I bet she feels self conscious/insecure and her way of dealing with it is by being overly talkative and meddling. It sounds like she might be trying to test you as a friend. This might sound impossible, but try not to let her get to you. Don't stoop to her petty level by being catty or snotty yourself. Your good example might wear off on her and she might become kinder and nicer in time, as she starts to feel more comfortable. Or she might stay a snot and you'll just have to put up with her. In that case, she probably won't ever be your best friend. You should still be nice to her but I would look to find nicer friends.

Lastly, there are a lot of funny things that happen in Junior High and YWs. Try to enjoy the good times and see the humor in the situation and "ignore the haters". It will all be over before you know it.

Do any of my readers have further advice? Can we cure the Junior High Blues?

My junior high friends. It appears we are dancing in front of a choir and we're enjoying it. Let's call this photo "let the good times roll".

* I couldn't find my 7th grade photo, which I promise is equally bad if not worse. This photo is a family favorite. My siblings find it framed on the Christmas tree each year for their annual snicker.

The Day After the Party

I have a stack of questions that need answering, some pressing, but I don't feel like answering any of them. I've got that "day after the party feeling". You see a few days ago I had a luncheon with important guests. I had to not only prepare the food and table, but also have my entire house presentable. All the preparations, cleaning, flower arranging, shopping, ironing, and baking kept me busy and motivated for days.

The lunch went well, I'd call it a success. But now, I have no motivation. Why should I make my bed and clean up the toys? No one is going to see it. What's the point in having my summer drapes freshly hung if no one stopping by will notice? I don't need to be shopping for new summer table linens, again, who will be there to appreciate them? There are no menus to plan and baking is definitely out of the question. (diet.) If happiness is having something to look forward to, than that explains it all. In short, the day after the party feeling is a case of the blahs.

In an effort to cheer myself up a little bit, here are a few pictures from the lunch party. Note: they are not the best pictures. When you are the (hurried) host and your husband has (kindly) taken the boys to the beach, that leaves little time to pause and take photos.

The Table.

A place setting. My silver pattern is "Melrose", in case you want to buy me a shiny present.

The important guests. In order of importance, (kidding, clockwise): cousin Becky, my Grandma that you've all heard about, Aunt Bethanne, Aunt Gayle, friend Jan, and my Mom, Judy-tunes.

Here's the great and scary thing about my Grandma E.-she notices everything. She takes in and notes every detail of your house, appearance, food, you name it. She has what we in the biz call "a good eye". This might make you nervous, thinking that she's re-hanging your drapes in her head or questioning your choice of artwork. And if it needs improving, she probably is thinking it. She's usually right and she freely shares her opinions. What's so great about this is that none of your efforts are wasted. And just like the praise from a critic, it means so much more. This also gets most of us scurrying before her arrival. For example, my cousin frantically bought new furniture in anticipation. I like that kind of pressure, it gets me moving. Maybe she's softening with age, but pretty much everything she has to say is flattering. Also, it's not like the rest of you will notice that I polished the butter dish before placing it on the table.


It wasn't till we were half-way through dessert that someone said "we should take a picture of this" and I slapped myself because it was an attractive menu. Here's what I served and try to act surprised if I have you over for lunch and serve the same to you in the near future, should you be so lucky:

Chilled Watermelon and Ginger Soup
Salmon Salad Nicoise, with lime-aide and bread
Pavlova with fresh berries and flowers

Don't you like how I balanced feminine and masculine with this arrangement? Kidding. I can't tell you how much I love these flowers. Besides the lavender horn that I knew I should have pulled out but couldn't make myself do, this is one of my all-time flower arrangements. It's even better in person because the hydrangeas were more blue than purple and the smell. Oh the smell. The flowers came almost entirely from my friend Audrey's garden. She came to my rescue at just the right moment.

This post did cheer me up a little bit. Just so you know, this happens after most parties are over and cherished guests leave. The feeling of being lost afterwards, what now? I'll make do by throwing a few small lunches this summer. They will be more practical, my guests won't comment much or discuss dish patterns with me, and they certainly won't return the favor and have me over to lunch later, but I'll enjoy it.