Uninvited

Party of One.* (That's my mom)

Dear Alisha,
So how should one feel, or think, when she knows her "friends" are having get-togethers and parties but she is never invited?

Sincerely,
Uninvited

Dear Uninvited,

There is not a soul out there who at some time has not felt left out when finding out about a get-together of friends that they were not invited to. It happens to everyone. What you should be asking yourself is if it happens often and it bothers me, what can I do about it?

I have found that who does and does not get invited to a party has little to do with how well liked the people are but rather if they "put themselves out there". People who attend many social gatherings, are friendly, and extend invitations themselves, seem to be invited the most in return. It's not always that they are better liked, but they are more outgoing and have let it be known that they want to make friends.

If it seems you are not being invited to parties and you think you should be, consider this:

-Often the host has a limited amount of space. When throwing a large party, where do you draw the line? I have a friend who throws a yearly large party and at first she invited everyone she knew. But now she knows a lot of people and the party has grown into a beast that exceeds the size of her house. She would love to invite all her friends but now limits it to those who have attended in years past as well as a couple of new people that she works closely with.

-Some parties are based on a tradition of the same people doing the same thing year after year. (Of course this can be frustrating if you want in, but just let them have their fun and find another way to get to know them.)

-Often casual get-togethers are reciprocal. I would think to invite over to dinner someone who has had me over to dinner in the past. Less daunting social inviations could include inviting children over for play dates or organizing a ladies movie night.

-I more often invite over families who have children similar in age to my children even though I enjoy the company of others without children or who have children of a different age just as much.

-There is a convenience factor. I invite and do more with the people I bump into the most. They're there and it just seems to set itself up.

-If you have turned down invites in the past, even for good reasons, people usually quit asking.

-People are not always having as much fun as you imagine. One or two parties can take place without you and it can seem like this is a repeating habit. Photos from the party will circulate for years and it will seem like this is a constant on going event. (For example, if you know some of the people in the photos of my last post and thought to yourself, hey! I wasn't invited! Relax, it was a small party about 4 years ago. I reuse footage.)

In your question I detect a whiff of victimization. I don't know why this is off putting to a host but it is. And if I can smell it, others can too. Don't be a downer, it's just not appealing. Rather than think of what you haven't been invited to, think of the half full party glass and remember the efforts people have made on your behalf.

What you can do is be social yourself. Attend what you are already invited to, be friendly and cheerful. I repeat myself, Do-not-come-off-as-a-downer. Invite people to do things with you, consider hosting your own get-together. (I say this cautiously because all hosts know, especially myself, that not all parties are well attended. I'd hate for you to make an attempt only to have your confidence smashed by low attendance, so start with something like 'let's meet for ice cream'.) If you are the bold type, it would be okay to hint to some of your social friends that you would like to do something festive with them. Do not sit on the sidelines feeling sorry for yourself, but rather take some initiative! Now no moping around, chop chop, you have work to do!

Do we have any other suggestions for our little Uninvited?
Should we tell her of all the parties we have been left out of?

*My mom is dressed for a Tacky Party in this photo. Along with my dad, they won first prize for their costumes. I am sure most of you saw his photo on Awkward Family Photos. (Only she makes the outfit believable, doesn't she?)