"Does she have to talk about herself in every single post?? Is she really that narcissictic??" Yes.Dear Alisha,
I've never met you, but you come off as very put together. You know who you are and you're not making any excuses. You're confident, smart, witty, and funny. I love reading your blog because it is a breath of fresh air.
At this time in my life, I am struggling. I desperately need and want to "come into my own" after having my first child almost a year and a half ago. I find myself feeling like a insecure teenager all over again as I venture into the culture of stay-at-home moms, play dates, budget planning, family time spending, etc. Before having a kid, I didn't fit into the "mom" crowd, and now that I'm there, I feel insecure and a little paranoid. "Were they talking about me when they said x, y, and z???"
How do I find myself again? I never expected to feel like this, especially after living on my own for many years before getting married, going on a mission for the LDS church, and feeling quite confident in who I was before having a child. Why am I feeling like this? Is there anybody else out there who has experienced the same thing, or is it rare to not just fall into a new category in life and embrace it? I want to have my old confidence back -- feel safe in my own skin. I guess that's why I love your blog, because you seem to embody who I feel like I was not too long ago.
Sincerely,
Not a teenager anymore
Dear Not a Teenager Anymore,
Flattery will get you everywhere. There is a decent chance that in real life I would drive you nuts.
It sounds like you are going through an identity "crisis".
Oh man, going from working full time to staying home all the time was a huge adjustment for me. I was constantly asking myself "what am I suppose to be doing"? I missed a faster pace life. Deadlines. The feeling of productivity and accomplishment. Uninterrupted sleep. Social Interaction.
I can't say I still don't miss some of those things, but I've created a life that I enjoy most of the time. It is not in my nature to be easily content, so take that into consideration when reading my suggestions. Oh, also, I'm not really a kid person. At all. Looking back, having one child was harder in some ways than having three children. I had so much time on my hands but none of it felt like mine.
I think most new stay-at-home moms go through an adjustment period of some sort that can be rough. Notice I didn't say all new moms. There are a few I know who happily fell right into it. Rest assured these moms are really nice and non-judgemental, so don't worry that they think less of you if you're struggling. I have noted that my friends who had satisfying careers or who went on a mission and really established lives for themselves, seemed to have a harder time adjusting to staying at home. Maybe it has something to do with changing your ideals or adjusting to a different pace of life. Maybe they (we) felt like they were giving up more.
What ever the reason, here are a few ideas for help adjusting:
1. Don't give up on yourself. Sure, you are now mother to the world's most remarkable and unique baby, but you still have to take an interest in yourself. Pursue skills or hobbies that were of interest to you before you had your baby. If those are no longer of interest to you, think what you would like to learn about. Do not attempt a hobby because you think you are suppose to like it. There is a never ending list of appealing handy skills to have as a mother and homemaker. There is an even longer list of things to learn about that make you an interesting and fulfilled person. The two categories even overlap. Pick one thing, something, and plug away at it. You don't have to be good at everything at once. Just learn a little more each day.
At the least, when your baby is sleeping, read those books you've always wanted to but have never had a chance. If you don't have a list, read "the classics". What a treat. Whatever you do, don't just sit around waiting for this time of life to pass.
Here I am "developing a skill". Truth be told, I have a hard time being happy if I'm not working on something. (Please don't tell me how young I look here, 8 years ago. You're really just telling me I look old now.)2. Get enough sleep and then get busy. Sleeping no longer becomes a given once you become a mother. Do whatever you need to do to make sure you are getting enough sleep. Then once you are well rested, don't laze around all day. That won't make you feel better or more confident.
Disclaimer: my youngest is 15 months and I take about 2 naps a week.
3. Make friends. Do you know how many stay-at-home-moms think they aren't the typical stay-at-home-mom?? I find other mothers to be a great source of advice, laughter, encouragement, and entertainment. In my quest for other stay at home-at-home friends, I have met some nuts. It's true there are wacky, behind the times women out there. But mostly I have met a lot of neat women trying to figure out how to balance life and have a good time doing it. Be open with them. I love play-dates at the park with other moms: kids play, we talk, no one has a dirty house. I love my book club. I love hanging out with women who have kids older than mine because they have really good ideas about what to do with kids and how to raise them successfully. Whatever you do, don't waste your time thinking that other moms are talking behind your back. Tell yourself to stop worrying about it!
4. Some would say exercise, but I can't make a case for it. If you have a load of extra baby weight you are carrying around, you might as well put the work required into losing that weight. You'll feel better. [I like the South Beach diet.]
Readers, don't fail me now. Has anyone else felt this way? What helpful advice might you give Not a Teenager Anymore??
10 comments:
Okay, I can TOTALLY relate to this mom! I also served a mission and worked full-time putting my husband through school until I had my first child at 27. I thought I was ready to be a mom (and I was), but I made a couple of mistakes. First, we lived in a very remote area, and I didn't have any friends with babies. At all. They were all single or had older kids, and most lived far away. I didn't have anyone I could relate to at the time, or look to for support.
Secondly, I was trying to fit myself into a mold that I wasn't comfortable in. I was trying to be a stay at home mom with no car and no friends. I was overweight and I got very depressed.
One day I realized that my mom was never a stay-at-home mom, and I honestly wasn't enjoying myself in that role. I felt so guilty about it. I prayed about it, fretted over it. Then, with the Lord's help, I decided it was okay to modify my life a little.
I got a job waiting tables 3 mights/week when my baby was 9 months old. It was just enough time away from the house and from the baby to "rediscover" myself. Plus, my husband stayed home with the baby when I worked, and they developed a really strong bond during this time. I made friends. I joined a mom's group. I got a car!! I lost weight. I finally started to feel like I was myself again, in my new role as a mom.
Many years have passed since then. My oldest is almost 12. My second is 9, and I am now pregnant with my 3rd child. In the years that have passed, I have almost always worked part time outside of the home. I honestly have tried and tried again to stay home full time, but I find myself so restless and unfulfilled. That might sound sad, but I love being a mom. I just love it more when I can get away for a while! I have never paid for child care, my husband and I have worked out our schedules, or the kids have been in school while I work. I feel like I am a happier and better mom to my kids when I work part time. At times, I've worked from home, and other times it's only been a few hours a day outside of the home. But I've stopped feeling guilty, and instead I've found my own way to be happy and fit into the role of mother, that I know is so important.
And unlike Alisha, I love kids, and always have, and wanted to be a mom of 8! :) Ha! (Little did I know!!)
I'm not saying that working outside the home is right for you at all, but I am saying that however you find to make your life work for you...go for it, and don't feel guilty! Make some friends that are in your shoes, and find some things to do for yourself, like Alisha said. Enjoy yourself!! Good luck!
I, too, am a new stay at home Mom... sort of. My son is now 17 months and we are expecting number two to join our family in November. To say that it has been an adjustment is an understatement. I have no idea what to do during the day. I have found, like Alisha said, that if I have some kind of a schedule or something to do during the day... it seems to fill up the void left behind by full time work. Sometimes I really want to go back to work and other times I think, no way could I ever do the same thing over and over again. I now, wake up at 6 AM, make breakfast, hit the gym, go to the park, come home for nap time, make lunch, play outside or wherever, then bath, then bed. Sounds boring but we always have some adventure during the day. Good luck :)
I think everyone at sometime has a hard time adjusting to a new role or position. I think Alisha has it right, just make it your own and find something that makes you happy.
My mother has notoriously gone through a variety of hobbies during her stay at home days. (I wish I had a copy of the puff painted christmas sweater year) I think they helped her feel more like herself.
And Alisha- I think you look younger in the picture with davy vs the pregnant with trevor photo.
Good advice, Alisha. I agree with all of it, and believe that if the reader can follow it, she will feel happier.
I had the same difficulties as I adjusted to this transition. Rather than seeing those you interact with as people potentially talking about you behind your back, instead seek to get to know them and how they "mother" and take the best parts back to your own family. I am constantly seeking advice from friends who have "been there."
One of my husband's favorite quotes is, "You would worry a lot less about what people think of you, if you realized how little they do." Good advice, that is helpful to me.
Alisha, I'm glad to know you still nap a couple times a week. It's nice to know I'm not the only one. :)
I nap a few times a week too. It gives me the boost I need to stay up late to get things done on the computes. I loved having one, because then I could easily nap when they did.
When I had my first, that's when I started discovering hobbies and things I loved. Someone gave me an old manual camera that I learned to use and had fun with. I bought a used sewing machine and started to sew simple things like dresses for Talia and simple quilts. It made happy to create things. really happy and "fulfilled" - if you like that term. (I hate it.)
I frequented the libary ALOT and read on all kinds of subjects. Years later, I grew tired of book-learning and started focusing on reading novels for fun. Discovered and made goals to read all the good classics that I'd missed out on. Lots of treasures there that will open your eyes to many new ways of thinking and living. in a positive way. So hopefully you enjoy reading. If you don't, do it until you do. (just like when you don't feel like praying!)
I also stayed in full email contact with friends, but no one was as consistent as Alisha. So she was my little lifeline out of the house. We provided each other with many laughs. All of which I turned into a journal so I won't ever forget those days.
In our ward, there are a variety of mothers, some work, some stay home, various political leanings and no one (that I ever hear) judges or criticizes them behind their back, so I think those fears are unfounded. Instead of trying to fit in to the "mom" crowd, be yourself and know that you're giving spice and variety to the crowd and topics. Also dare to seek outside of your age group, there are many lady-gems who are much older or younger that can be enjoyable to spend time with. At this point, age means nothing.
It's true, don't hope for this time to pass, it will pass quickly enough.
Thanks for the advise women, keep it coming.
Oh, and to all- I love my kids now. I've even started liking other kids not of my flesh.
Julie, thanks, but I had already had Trevor in the painting pictures. I was a new mom.
The 9 - 18 month stage with my first (and only, at the time) was the worst stage for me. The novelty of a baby had worn off. The lifestyle adjustment was hard. Many of my friends were young marrieds without kids, and suddenly I wasn't spending time with my friends any more. I felt homebound because it was such an ordeal to go anywhere with my squirmy tot.
Wanting to be a good mother, I read TONS of books on parenting, early childhood development, nutritious/clever food for children. Some knowledge helped, but mostly I felt like it became a list of things I was supposed to do, but knew I would never be able to do them all.
For me, what's helped is that, as my children get older, I interact more with other adults and the community. My children ask me to arrange playdates, attend sports, volunteer in school, etc. I'm interacting with the community and with other parents more often.
Sanity saver #2: date nights with my husband. Get out and do something fun with the person you care about most.
Sanity saver #3: finding something that interests you and makes you feel like you're improving an area of yourself other than motherhood. Some people read or learn to sew. I joined my HOA board and took classes at the community college on estate planning, trusts, taxes, etc.
I also advocate exercise. And, yes, I know Alisha doesn't fully agree. But for me it's a stress burn. Plus the childcare gives me an hour - one whole uninterrupted hour - each day where I can be alone with my thoughts. Having a few minutes to clear my head is fantastic. Plus I feel better for having treated my body as the gift that it is.
I don't believe there's one right or wrong way to mother. Good luck finding what works for you!
I am a 34 year old man, but I have a wife and 4 children (Kelsey 14, Jessie 13, Carter 2.5, Emma 1 month) so I know this will either make you laugh with understanding or roll your eyes in agreed contempt:
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2010/7/14coleman.html
I found it hilarious and true.
You young moms...I'm proud of all of you for being so wise and showing such maturity in your approach to a challenging life transition. I wish I had had your wisdom at your age...it took me many years longer to learn what you have come to know. You're all awesome!
Thanks so much everyone for your wonderful advice! I will take it to heart and begin my quest to find greater happiness as a mom. I sure do love my sweet toddler and I hope to have many more. I think, as many of you have said, it's just a tough transition period. It's so nice to know that others have struggled with the same thing and I'm not (as) crazy! ;)
Thanks for sharing your personal experiences and for givin' it to me straight!
Alsiha, thanks for posting my q. And for the record, I don't think you'd drive me nuts in real life. Or maybe you would! Who knows! Thanks again!
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