Privacy Please

photo credit

"I don't remember eating corn!"
Bathroom humor, it's all I know.

Dear Alisha,

Whether at church or at social outings, I sometimes cross paths with my friends while we’re both in the restroom. I’m usually happy to chat with my friends, but it makes me uncomfortable when they talk to me while I’m in a stall. I’d at least like to pretend I have some privacy there. Am I being standoffish, or is this a reasonable request?

Sincerely,

Privacy Please

Dear Privacy Please,

I have thought about your question for a while now and have taken notes while visiting restrooms with friends.  We stop talking.  We assume a cone of (brief) silence.  Sure this is a little hard for me, a talker, to drop the conversation if it's even slightly interesting, but it seems natural to allow a friend a little privacy.

So yes, this is a reasonable request.  Unless you are with your sister(s).  Then all bets are off.  

Do you agree?  Or ..do you...chat... stall-to-stall? 
Has anyone ever said something really funny to you, stall-to-stall?  I'd like hearing about it.

On the side Bathroom Story:  while waiting tables at a restaurant in my youth, we had to use the customer restrooms which I hated doing when we had business.  For some reason I thought it was really gross for a customer to see their waitress in the bathroom. But sometimes you have no choice.  We also had to wear ugly black shoes as part of our uniform. At the end of a shift one night I headed to the bathroom, with a co-worker and friend of mine, and waited in line for my turn.  When I came out of the bathroom stall I noticed my co-worker still in her stall, as identified by her same ugly black shoes.  We were the last ones in the bathroom and thinking myself funny, I banged on her metal stall door yelling things like "I know what you're doing in there!!  Hurry up!  Let me in!", and just made a lot of loud, crazy noise.  As I was washing my hands, exiting the stale was not my friend but an older, startled looking customer wearing ugly black shoes.

I tell the story better in person.

It's Just Lunch

We are currently in the heart of a lone and dreary winter.  During the summer time I throw little lunch parties to cheer myself up and give us something to look forward to.  It is usually just a couple of friends and their kids.   At the beginning of summer I make a list of potential guests I'd like to invite.  I didn't even make it through half the list this year. So as there is happily very little going on this month, and my kids are getting a little wild, why not have friends over for lunch?


It is like a play date at the park only a lot more work, less exercise, and better tasting. It works better for us if I invite friends who have children so that my own children have something to look forward to as well.
One nice thing about lunch is that your expectations are low, so it is easy to impress.
Here is my [easy] winter lunch menu:


Curried Carrot Soup with Crispy Cheese Sandwiches.

Carrot Soup is super simple and tastes better than it sounds.  As a favor, here is the recipe:


2 onions chopped
a pat or two of butter
1.5 pounds of carrots, cut into 1 inch pieces
4 to 6 cups chicken or vegetable broth
1 to 2 TBL Bombay Sweet Curry (from Costco, see not fancy) or any mild curry


Brown onions in butter.  Add curry to onions. Add chicken stock and carrots, boil till carrots are tender.   Puree soup in blender.  You can keep keep it on warm till needed.
Garnish with a dollop of plain yogurt and cilantro, if you have it.


Cheese Sandwiches shouldn't need a recipe but as a suggestion try using sourdough or french wheat bread,  a variety of cheeses, melters like Gruyere or Gouda and sharper like Parmesan or Kerrygold dubliner.  I stuck a little fresh basil in too.  You can use a sandwich press if you want a crispy sandwich with out butter, or just "grill" it in butter. (Why is it called grilling when really it is frying in butter?)

What's a party without dessert?  My Grandma suggested something warm and cozy like a pudding or lava cake.  She lives in Arizona where there is no winter so it sounds romantic to them.  Her suggestion was golden.  I had not made a lava cake in years.  It was warm, rich, decedent and easy, without tempting leftovers.  After reacquainting myself, here is my recipe: 
Lava Cake
1 scanty cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 oz unsweetened chocolate chopped up
10 TBL butter
3 eggs
3 egg yolks
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp orange oil or almond extract or whatever flavor fancies you
1/2 cup flour
1 1/2 cup powdered sugar


Butter 6 ramekin or custard cups.  In a sauce pan, melt butter and chocolate together.  Remove from heat.  Mix in all eggs and extracts.  Sprinkle in flour and powdered sugar, then mix just till smooth.  Divide batter evenly into ramekins.  
Heat oven to 425
When you are about to sit down to lunch, pop these in the oven, on a tray.  Bake for exactly 14 minutes. (Use a timer).  The cake should be firm on the edges but runny in the middle.  That's the lava part.
Remove from oven and let sit till just cool enough to handle.  Use a knife to loosen edges as far down as you can.  Invert onto a pretty plate and serve warm with a generous dollop of sweetened whipped cream.


Ready to invert..

The finished product.

Chocolate Lava Cake

Dear Not Running (Out of Steam)

Dear Alisha,
Where to begin? I am a mother who is struggling a bit. Let me begin my saying that I love my children and my husband and I wouldn't really want any other life than this.

But some days, I feel like I could run away and be happier just living on my own with no noses to wipe, diapers to change, sleep to lose, or messes to clean up. Most days I feel great. And I really do. I love my life and I love the company of my children. It's just sometimes it creeps in (and lately it has been creeping in more often) -- the feeling that I have to get out of here. I can't bear to argue with a toddler for one more minute, or to listen to whining all day long. If anybody makes one more mess that I have to clean up, I'm going to scream.

One thing that really makes me sad is that I always thought I would have a big family. I never anticipated it being this hard. And I think it's the monotony that makes it hard for me. And feeling like I am no longer just "me" I can't just go anywhere and do anything without the challenges of fighting and struggling with kids. (Can you tell that today is one of those bad days?) So thinking about having more children is a combination of feeling like our family isn't complete yet and feeling like I'm not sure I could handle more children.

Again, I wouldn't leave my family. So my question is, is this normal? Do all moms feel like this sometimes and it comes and goes and you just chalk it up to being tired and worn out and that it won't be like this forever? And if it's normal, I need some encouragement. Some uplifting words to get me through those long days that are so discouraging.

And if it's not normal, well, then I don't know where to go from here. Lots of prayers, I guess.

Sincerely,

Not Running

The first chance I get to escape from here.... 

Dear Not Running,

Have you been reading my journal??  I bet a large portion of mothers can identify with the feelings you are having.  

I have my ups and downs as a mother too.  It seems to me that the hardest phase was after I had two kids.  The lack of freedom -and sleep-was such an adjustment.  It was always a battle between what might entertain my kids and what I wanted to do. House work became never ending.  

Oddly, I find it easier now that I have more children.  I don't know if it's because my days are busier, have more of a routine,  or if I am more use to the lack of get-up-and-go freedom. Or maybe I'm better at ignoring whining.  Most likely I've adjusted my expectations.

I am trying to think of practical things that have helped me. These are loose suggestions:

Nourish yourself.  This is the stuff self-help books are made of.  I have even talked about it a little bit in a post here: Not a Teenager Anymore.  Really, keep your mind engaged and interested in life.  Just because your kids like dumb cartoons and juvenile stories doesn't mean you have to.  Don't be the kind of mom who sacrifices everything for her kids, including her own personality and interests.  Nobody wants that.

Find things you can look forward to doing with your children around.  It may be easier to think of things that you can look forward to doing without your children, and those are good too, savor them, but they aren't available all that often.  I am rather social and feel better when I'm not alone with my kids all day and sometimes all night.  For example, going to the park with my kids is mind numbingly boring.  But going to the park with my kids and other moms and their kids is fun.  Win-win. Persist in setting up park play dates.  "You feel like a good mom any day your kids play outside at the park."  I have tried baking with my kids with mixed results, probably more positive than not.  I like gardening while they dig dirt around me.  Recently I have taken to finding children's books that I actually enjoy reading.  It helps if they have gorgeous illustrations. 

I love this book by Gyo Fujikawa

Let your kids learn how to entertain themselves.  You don't want to be stuck doing that forever.

Your kids will not always be this demanding.  I enjoy the company of my older children.  They are less work and have interesting conversations with me.

Develop a good support network.  That might be helping your husband understand how you are feeling and help bear the load. It also means friends you can call up when you are having a bad day and need out of the house.  Or family or good friends you can email your deepest feelings and complaints to. Having a great group of friends and support will probably take some work and most likely will not just fall into your lap.

Remember that even when you were childless you still had obligations and responsibilities and not every day was bliss.  It is impractical to expect nirvana now.  This article has been circulating the web and I liked it: Don't Carpe Diem.  [There are probably hundreds of great articles and talks on this subject but do you own research.  Or maybe my readers will have something to offer you.] 
If your life doesn't seem perfect at all times, that doesn't mean you aren't doing a great job.  

Oh! Lastly, I don't regret having any of my kids.  I doubt you would regret another child if you felt like that was what you should be doing.  Let it be your decision and don't feel pressured by anyone .

But what do I know?  
How about it Readers?  What words of wisdom or encouragement do you have for our (not) Running Mother?

Dear Diary

I have that feeling like when you write in your journal for the first time in a year and you feel the need to re-hash what has happened and how you felt about it (and what you were wearing) but it's all too much for one entry. "Just start with where you are now" they say.

I am not sure if I am ready to re-commit to blogging, but here is a smattering of posts that I had started and never finished or things I have thought about or done over the last few months. Again, nothing is complete, I find I don't even complete my own sentences any

Here's how it's going to work:  I show you a few photos, many of which you have already seen if you follow me breathlessly close on Facebook.  I say what's in my head when I look at these, maybe even explain what the post was going to be had I finished it, and then you tell me how cute my kid is in the comment room.  Shall we begin?

Fall Fashion Trends as modeled by Violet

Ankle and mid-calf boots seem to be replacing knee high or over the knee boots.  I think they make my legs look shorter.  This doesn't mean you have to throw out your knee highs, they are a standard, but don't expect jeans tucked into knee high or taller boots to look cutting edge.

Gold.  It's everywhere.  It is not a color I can pull off on it's own, seeing how I don't have Violet's complexion but I found that it brought depth and richness to my standard gray, purple, and brown hues.


































Above: A frank discussion on jeans and jeggings and where we are at now.  Just when most of us had adjusted to skinny jeans, stores and magazines have displayed bootcut again!  And not a conservative bootcut, but rather the skin hugging and then flare suddenly out at the bottom kind.  The very jeans that I recently thought were so out of style.  With the wisdom of fall behind me, I don't think bootcut caught on big again.  Stylish women are still wearing skinny, fitted jeans.  But now you're allowed to do either, I guess.

Not shown because I never took the pictures:

-Vintage inspired black lace dress -I loved this and regret not taking the photos.

-Teal, the color-we were both going to wear it while both reading magazines.  Someday.

-Pleated shorts over stockings -something only a baby can wear.

Halloween:  Another excuse for a wig. 

Can you guess why I love this picture? Whitman is Aquaman, Justin is Sexy-(he's taken ladies)- Brainiac, and Davy is Super-thong-man.

Violet met her cousin Max, who is 6 weeks older and wiser.  As you can see, he was concerned for her comfort and welfare the whole trip.

I can't believe I'm even showing you Christmas pictures, so over it, but I have to say that I really enjoyed my flocked tree.  It was a spicy smelling fresh Frasier fur that was sprayed with whatever they flock a tree with, probably something terrible, but you don't have to water the tree or put it on a stand.  

Violet enjoyed it too.




Here's a picture of the whole tree...

Har, har.

I am still making Pavlova's and you can't stop me.



Christmas: another excuse for a wig.



New Years Eve:  What do you do if you are already married and don't drink?  Exactly.  I did decide to have a "dark dinner".  No electricity can be used anywhere in the house.  The fact that I was given two large candelabras for Christmas may have motivated me a little bit, but this could be done with sensible candles or food storage oil stuck in an old pumpkin or whatever.  We ate Thai food.  For good luck!

And Carrot Cake Cookies.  For good luck!  [I've been making this recipe for 10 years and it's golden, just as is.  Other options are to add chopped nuts, sub 3/4 cup drained pineapple for 1/2 cup of the sugar, and add orange zest to the filling.]

Finally, it snowed in my dining room the whole month of December.  I hung lightweight snowflake ornaments, maybe 2 dozen or so, on clear fishing wire attached to the ceiling with a clear thumbtack.  Magic.  But like most magic it needed to come down in early January.

Come back tomorrow for a real Q&A from a desperate mother!