Dear Not Running (Out of Steam)

Dear Alisha,
Where to begin? I am a mother who is struggling a bit. Let me begin my saying that I love my children and my husband and I wouldn't really want any other life than this.

But some days, I feel like I could run away and be happier just living on my own with no noses to wipe, diapers to change, sleep to lose, or messes to clean up. Most days I feel great. And I really do. I love my life and I love the company of my children. It's just sometimes it creeps in (and lately it has been creeping in more often) -- the feeling that I have to get out of here. I can't bear to argue with a toddler for one more minute, or to listen to whining all day long. If anybody makes one more mess that I have to clean up, I'm going to scream.

One thing that really makes me sad is that I always thought I would have a big family. I never anticipated it being this hard. And I think it's the monotony that makes it hard for me. And feeling like I am no longer just "me" I can't just go anywhere and do anything without the challenges of fighting and struggling with kids. (Can you tell that today is one of those bad days?) So thinking about having more children is a combination of feeling like our family isn't complete yet and feeling like I'm not sure I could handle more children.

Again, I wouldn't leave my family. So my question is, is this normal? Do all moms feel like this sometimes and it comes and goes and you just chalk it up to being tired and worn out and that it won't be like this forever? And if it's normal, I need some encouragement. Some uplifting words to get me through those long days that are so discouraging.

And if it's not normal, well, then I don't know where to go from here. Lots of prayers, I guess.

Sincerely,

Not Running

The first chance I get to escape from here.... 

Dear Not Running,

Have you been reading my journal??  I bet a large portion of mothers can identify with the feelings you are having.  

I have my ups and downs as a mother too.  It seems to me that the hardest phase was after I had two kids.  The lack of freedom -and sleep-was such an adjustment.  It was always a battle between what might entertain my kids and what I wanted to do. House work became never ending.  

Oddly, I find it easier now that I have more children.  I don't know if it's because my days are busier, have more of a routine,  or if I am more use to the lack of get-up-and-go freedom. Or maybe I'm better at ignoring whining.  Most likely I've adjusted my expectations.

I am trying to think of practical things that have helped me. These are loose suggestions:

Nourish yourself.  This is the stuff self-help books are made of.  I have even talked about it a little bit in a post here: Not a Teenager Anymore.  Really, keep your mind engaged and interested in life.  Just because your kids like dumb cartoons and juvenile stories doesn't mean you have to.  Don't be the kind of mom who sacrifices everything for her kids, including her own personality and interests.  Nobody wants that.

Find things you can look forward to doing with your children around.  It may be easier to think of things that you can look forward to doing without your children, and those are good too, savor them, but they aren't available all that often.  I am rather social and feel better when I'm not alone with my kids all day and sometimes all night.  For example, going to the park with my kids is mind numbingly boring.  But going to the park with my kids and other moms and their kids is fun.  Win-win. Persist in setting up park play dates.  "You feel like a good mom any day your kids play outside at the park."  I have tried baking with my kids with mixed results, probably more positive than not.  I like gardening while they dig dirt around me.  Recently I have taken to finding children's books that I actually enjoy reading.  It helps if they have gorgeous illustrations. 

I love this book by Gyo Fujikawa

Let your kids learn how to entertain themselves.  You don't want to be stuck doing that forever.

Your kids will not always be this demanding.  I enjoy the company of my older children.  They are less work and have interesting conversations with me.

Develop a good support network.  That might be helping your husband understand how you are feeling and help bear the load. It also means friends you can call up when you are having a bad day and need out of the house.  Or family or good friends you can email your deepest feelings and complaints to. Having a great group of friends and support will probably take some work and most likely will not just fall into your lap.

Remember that even when you were childless you still had obligations and responsibilities and not every day was bliss.  It is impractical to expect nirvana now.  This article has been circulating the web and I liked it: Don't Carpe Diem.  [There are probably hundreds of great articles and talks on this subject but do you own research.  Or maybe my readers will have something to offer you.] 
If your life doesn't seem perfect at all times, that doesn't mean you aren't doing a great job.  

Oh! Lastly, I don't regret having any of my kids.  I doubt you would regret another child if you felt like that was what you should be doing.  Let it be your decision and don't feel pressured by anyone .

But what do I know?  
How about it Readers?  What words of wisdom or encouragement do you have for our (not) Running Mother?