Dear Alisha,
My good friend just moved away and is having trouble adjusting to a new city and making good friends. To make things worse someone in her new church group is a total bully and likes making fun of people in public. The way I see it, most women have enough trouble liking themselves as it is - the last thing they need is someone being openly rude and poking fun at them. My friends and I lucked out I guess and left the High School drama, well, in High School. But apparently some women still get a kick out of being better than everyone else. Do you have any suggestions on how she could deal with this?
Sincerely,
A Concerned Friend
Dear Friend,
Congratulations! Your question has been selected to receive the "full treatment service", or something like that till I think of better name. What this means:
-I will answer your question. (big deal)
-Janalee, my BFF and an avid, sensible blogger, will as well. Find her blog here.
-A 3rd blogger will weigh in. This time it is a friend of Jana's who goes by "Real". We picked her because she seems sensitive and smart. Find her answer here.
-None of us read each others answers or even consult with each other until the post publishes. So you get each of our takes with out each others opinions.
So let's answer your question. I feel sympathy for your "friend". It can be especially lonely in a new place. I'm glad she's making an effort to get to know new people. I am going to choose to believe that your friend really is around an adult bully and that is is not her own perception, and handle the question accordingly. I've been racking my brain, but I can't think of a single adult bully that I know. Especially in a friend/church type situation. That leads me to think.... maybe I'm the bully!!! Without meaning to be, of course. I am loud, opinionated, and I try to get other people to do things...
Don't get angry but I'm going to defend people of my type. We don't mean to be offensive-well, not exactly... We don't mean to be more than slightly offensive, to get a laugh or elicit a response. Because I don't mind prying questions, in fact I invite them, I am happy to ask them of other people. It let's you get to know them better. Maybe this bully is testing you, I mean your friend, to see what she is like. It's her way of getting to know someone new.
Making fun of others isn't nice. Even if it can be funny. If this continues I would suggest your friend tries to speak with her privately. She could say something like "it really hurts my feelings when you impersonate my singing, ...could you please stop?" My bet is that she'll apologize or backpedal, maybe not realizing that she has been mean. All bullies want friends, right? Didn't we learn that from Arthur? So still offer her friendship and a way to make up.
If it continues, or if she is cruelly making fun of someone else, next time you hear "She looks looks like 20 pounds of ham in a 10 pound bag!", or whatever, at that moment pipe up with "that's not a very nice thing to say". Let it be known that you don't appreciate/approve of it. Beside it being the right thing to do, and since most people are kind, you will make more friends in the group this way too.
Good luck! Remind her that it usually takes an outgoing year to feel like you have friends in a new area.
Have any of you had to deal with adult bullies? Really? How'd it go?
I was a little rushed today, Jana got the days mixed up, (she's so like that), and I had minutes to deliver my response. You probably can't tell the difference between this and something I've thought about and worked on for days. Anyways, if you like this new idea, let us know. Not all future Q & A's will be serious. Also, don't get too excited, My Readers, you're stuck with just me most of the time.
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6 comments:
Alisha, you are not a bully. Good advise from all 3 of you lovely blogging ladies. I have nothing to add but I have one complaint...where are the shocking/funny/possibly only slightly applicable photos to go along with this post?
best parts:
*Congratuations, your question has been selected..
*"friend", "you, I mean your friend"
*Arthur
*imitating their singing
*20 pounds of ham (that sounds like a joke your dad would make)(and probably did)
And I too, almost went in the Maybe I'm really the bully direction. really! I thought that.
hmm, maybe it is just me but I seem to know quite a few of these bully types.
Here is what I have picked up on their behavior- They don't really know they are being rude, they can dish it out but cant really take it (who can right?), and it is a habit.
I have definitely been insulted by people and then later found out they didn't even realize they were being rude. Does this excuse the behavior? I don't really think so. Being rude is still being rude. However this is a tough one because I don't want to be the one to tell someone they are a jerk, then you sound like a jerk. If someone doesn't let them know they are being a jerk will they ever realize it?
Bullying types seem to be very, very emotional. Their feelings get hurt easily. This is when I would say that the bully probably has low self-esteem and so they bring others down to build themselves up. They point out others failures or what not to show everyone how awesome they are.
The last thing I have noticed is that bullying, trash talking, gossiping is a habit. It's a bad one. LIke any other bad habit the more you do it the more you want to do and pretty soon you can't stop yourself. Its also hard to break a habit.
So here is my advice- Be the good example to this new friend. When she says something negative about someone say something positive in return. Something like this-bully "look how awful her shoes are. I would never buy those" nice friend- "yeah but look how beautiful her hair is. I didn't even notice her shoes". Pretty soon she will start to notice all the good things. Hand out compliments to people while hanging out with this bully, even if she hasn't said anything.
or you could just stop hanging out with her. I find it really hard to not be negative around negative people. It is really uncomfortable for me to be around people that are tearing others apart. Why would you want to live your life thinking so negatively? I would go insane!
Duuuuuude {through exhaled breath}. . .
So, I've "mellowed" out from my former fightin' days, but I still can easily get "ticked" (I'll keep this PG) by any injustice I see, and growing up I was not very appreciated for my high spirited remarks in such cases, well, until high school and then it was "cool" to be out spoken finally.
I am not as mature as some of the recommendations posed (i.e. Alisha, Janalee and Real) regarding pulling the culprit aside to "talk" about it. I'd call them out on the carpet right then and there, because then you can truly see them show their cards. Again, I know that is not necessarily the grown-up way to handle it, but from experience that is when you catch people off guard and then they always shut up after that.
Okay, so you can consider me the anti-bully bully ;-D I don't allow my kids to make bully-ish comments to each other or others, or my husband even in sports related situations, or friends who are throwing people under the bus—you get the point. I do however accept responsibility when I'm being a "well meaning" jerk, and yes, I realize my opinionated comments can absolutely be jack-a' (okay, PG-13) and with having a very thin, somewhat faulty filter in my noggin, there can be a weekly, uh, daily, uh, hourly occurrence with apologizing.
I absolutely have a testimony of the atonement and I truly believe those who "bully" can make the necessary changes in their lives. I've seen how much I've changed leaps and bounds in my own personal areas of undesirable behavior in the last decade (yes, folks it was REALLY bad just a mere 13 years ago) and know how much more I have room to grow. As the other recommendations referenced (i.e. take the higher road) it is essential to be confident in yourself (or your friend that is) and just keep on doing what you know to be right.
Stand up for what is right in all situations, but realize that sometimes you can afford to just ignore the idiots out there.
I'm not a huge fan of the "panel blogging" because I'll admit it: I read very few blogs, and one of the main reasons I read yours Alisha is your fun and witty style of writing. Even your "to do" lists sound intetersting.
It was fun, but I'd say just don't over do it.
You know, bullies are usually quite insensitive people. That is, insensitive to other people - they are always sensitive to their own selves. Maybe the problem is that they are only thinking about/noticing themselves way too much.
We all need to check ourselves for this problem and do some introspective analysis. It's just too easy to run off at the mouth.
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