Adult Bullies, A Concerned Friend

Dear Alisha,

My good friend just moved away and is having trouble adjusting to a new city and making good friends. To make things worse someone in her new church group is a total bully and likes making fun of people in public. The way I see it, most women have enough trouble liking themselves as it is - the last thing they need is someone being openly rude and poking fun at them. My friends and I lucked out I guess and left the High School drama, well, in High School. But apparently some women still get a kick out of being better than everyone else. Do you have any suggestions on how she could deal with this?

Sincerely,
A Concerned Friend


Dear Friend,

Congratulations! Your question has been selected to receive the "full treatment service", or something like that till I think of better name. What this means:

-I will answer your question. (big deal)

-Janalee, my BFF and an avid, sensible blogger, will as well. Find her blog here.

-A 3rd blogger will weigh in. This time it is a friend of Jana's who goes by "Real". We picked her because she seems sensitive and smart. Find her answer here.

-None of us read each others answers or even consult with each other until the post publishes. So you get each of our takes with out each others opinions.

So let's answer your question. I feel sympathy for your "friend". It can be especially lonely in a new place. I'm glad she's making an effort to get to know new people. I am going to choose to believe that your friend really is around an adult bully and that is is not her own perception, and handle the question accordingly. I've been racking my brain, but I can't think of a single adult bully that I know. Especially in a friend/church type situation. That leads me to think.... maybe I'm the bully!!! Without meaning to be, of course. I am loud, opinionated, and I try to get other people to do things...

Don't get angry but I'm going to defend people of my type. We don't mean to be offensive-well, not exactly... We don't mean to be more than slightly offensive, to get a laugh or elicit a response. Because I don't mind prying questions, in fact I invite them, I am happy to ask them of other people. It let's you get to know them better. Maybe this bully is testing you, I mean your friend, to see what she is like. It's her way of getting to know someone new.

Making fun of others isn't nice. Even if it can be funny. If this continues I would suggest your friend tries to speak with her privately. She could say something like "it really hurts my feelings when you impersonate my singing, ...could you please stop?" My bet is that she'll apologize or backpedal, maybe not realizing that she has been mean. All bullies want friends, right? Didn't we learn that from Arthur? So still offer her friendship and a way to make up.

If it continues, or if she is cruelly making fun of someone else, next time you hear "She looks looks like 20 pounds of ham in a 10 pound bag!", or whatever, at that moment pipe up with "that's not a very nice thing to say". Let it be known that you don't appreciate/approve of it. Beside it being the right thing to do, and since most people are kind, you will make more friends in the group this way too.

Good luck! Remind her that it usually takes an outgoing year to feel like you have friends in a new area.
Have any of you had to deal with adult bullies? Really? How'd it go?

I was a little rushed today, Jana got the days mixed up, (she's so like that), and I had minutes to deliver my response. You probably can't tell the difference between this and something I've thought about and worked on for days. Anyways, if you like this new idea, let us know. Not all future Q & A's will be serious. Also, don't get too excited, My Readers, you're stuck with just me most of the time.