I rummaged around and dusted off this old question, with a self-serving motive.
Dear Alisha,
My SIL is pregnant with her 3rd baby. This baby was somewhat of a surprise as she has been unable to get pregnant for the last 8 years. What is proper baby shower etiquette? I've heard you should only throw a shower with the first baby. Then others say with the first baby or the first of each gender. In her case, she already has a boy and a girl but because it's been so long I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO...PLEASE DO ADVISE! This baby's on it's way...like in 4 weeks Sincerely,
Aunt with no clue
Dear Aunt,
Sorry I failed you. I hope you or a friend threw her a shower, lots of people came, and it was nice of you to be concerned.
In her case, yes I would have said "throw her a shower". I use to think only the first birth or the birth of a different gender merited a baby shower. But since "anything goes now-a-days" I guess baby showers for any birth are acceptable if someone is willing to put in the work. I'll admit in the past I have been slightly annoyed when receiving a baby shower invitation for Suzy Sunshine's fourth girl. She doesn't have enough girl clothes already? I crankily ask whoever is around. But it seems everyone has their reasons, so let them have a shower. It doesn't mean I have to attend just because I'm invited. Or bitter.
On the flip side, if you are having your second boy/girl and no one has offered to throw a baby shower for you, don't feel sorry for yourself- I think most people stick to the first in gender rule.
from stampthat.comNow here's where my greediness comes out: I have a question for you. If you receive an invite to a baby shower for someone you hardly know, how do you feel about it? Are you a little put off? Do you feel obligated to attend and bring a gift, or does it merely annoy you? Are you ever flattered even if you don't plan on attending?
All answers, anonymous or not, would be helpful. I have a guest list invite list to turn into friends who have kindly offered to throw a baby shower for me, and I can't decide whether to hand over the short or long list. I'm happy for all to attend but I don't want to seem like I'm groveling for presents from anyone that says hi to me in the halls at church.
Sincerely,
Shower-Me-This
Davy, one day old, before he turned green.
18 comments:
I always get excited when invited to a shower, regardless of how well I know them. I take it as, "Oh they want to be my friend". And then if I hear about a shower I wasn't invited to, even though I understand maybe I wasn't their "closest" friend- I still feel left out. I think its better to invite everyone!
I think the baby shower rule depends on the person for me. Is it a need? Is it for fun? Are they being greedy? I could go into detail, but the Christian inside of me says no.
Anyway, I would invite all the people you want to! I don't think I've ever been annoyed by getting an invitation from someone I didn't know very well. I might have thought, "Wow.. I don't even know this person very well..." But that's about it. I might go, I might not, but I wouldn't think they're scrounging around looking for presents from anyone they can.
It depends on the person for me. Usually its the first or the uh-oh after all of the baby stuff has been passed out.
There are some people I know that have multiple showers and I think that is a bit much...
I love people, and I love to be with people. So when it comes to inviting my friends to showers/parties/ect my list tends to always be on the long side. The question I ask myself when making the list is, "If they were to have a party/shower/ect would I want to go?" If the answer is yes then I invite them. Unfortunately since I love people my answer is usually yes, even when it might not be reciprocated.
But I just think to myself that if they don't want to attend they don't need to. I won't feel bad. But I would feel bad if they wanted to come and I didn't invite them. Anyway I guess what I am saying is if I was invited to any shower ect I would be happy and probably go. I might not be able to spend a fortune on their gift but I would get them something.
And since you mentioned that you are having a shower, I would love to attend but I won't feel bad if you decide to go with a short list and I don't make the cut. I am just so excited for you to have your sweet little girl!
I felt the same way when I had a baby shower: should I go with the long list or the short list. Then a friend asked me the question you ask here. My answer is: when I receive an invite to a baby shower from someone I don't know very well, I'm almost always very flattered. Just as anonymous said, I think "wow, they want to be my friend!" And if I'm able to come, then I do.
Why not invite all local women on your Christmas card list? That way it doesn't seem like you're groveling for gifts, just a simple update (in case they didn't know) to keep them in the loop and an invitation if they feel so inclined.
But then again maybe my opinion shouldn't count for much. I didn't know you were obligated to invite all kinds of different people to your wedding besides close friends, close coworkers, and family (your boss for example) so I probably offended lots of people.
I am annoyed to receive shower invitations to multiple babies of the same gender... Even if it's been a while. I guess my thought is if it's been a while, you're probably out of school and doing better financially than before the first baby or two. Is that judgmental of me?
I personally would be sad if I didn't get an invite to your baby shower, and I agree with what others have said about going with the long list. (Do it!) But then, I'm the one who invited 165 people to my last baby shower. But wasn't it fun? Plus, people enjoyed chatting with each other and eating food. It wasn't ALL about me. I wasn't offended when some people didn't come, but was flattered by those who did, and I loved having all my friends in one place for a little bit. Were some people annoyed to get an invitation from me? Who cares. If they were, it was their problem.
I hope the person who wrote the question decided to throw the shower. I generally would say that a shower for the first of each gender is the norm but after a long period of time in between, the baby stuff has been past on and they need a new boost to their supplies.
More importantly, a shower tells the person that they are cared about. I adopted my son through the foster care program. I had a little boy in my home for 2 years that went home to his birth Mother, two weeks later I got a call to pick up my little Dallin who had been abandoned at the hospital. He was only 4 days old. I didn't have much if anything in baby boy stuff anymore. Most what I had went with my other foster boy and my daughter was 7 years old by then.
No one brought meals over or offered help. In fact my father-in-law came to stay with us for a week at a time while my mother-in-law was out of town. So I ended up cooking for my father-in-law and 2 brother-in-laws that had to come over all the time while he was here. (I was also taking care of a 12 month old foster girl)
When Dallin was 2 or 3 months old I went to a baby shower for a friend. A lady from my church said "We need to celebrate this little one too (Dallin) when will you do the adoption? I told her it would be a few months before the court severed the parents rights. She said "we'll do it then just to be sure!" No one ever brought up the idea again, and as a result no baby shower for Dallin.
The whole thing made me feel neglected and uncared about. I think if someone has the attitude that the Mother-to-be is wealthy enough to buy their own stuff or that they shouldn't need a shower for whatever reason, is pretty selfish of those who would be annoyed at the invitation. I also vote for the more invited the better! If you've ever been to a small baby or bridal shower they are a little awkward and not nearly as much fun!
Let them know you care!
Awww... that story from your favorite aunt made me sad.... :(
If you, reader, are annoyed to get the invitation, then you aren't looking at the shower invite with the right spirit. As favorite aunt points out, people want to feel cared about and loved, the gifts are just a side benefit. I was recently at Baby Gap and Fred Meyer where you can find a lot of very useful and cute baby clothes items for under $10.
I am of the opinion that every baby is a blessing and should be celebrated. I love to attend baby showers. A short or long list should depend on what the hostess is comfortable accommodating but I would lean toward a longer list.
Hello-
I recently came across your blog and wanted to reach out to you in hopes of you posting about an event that we're particularly excited about at Primrose Schools.
I have an article/event that I would like to submit that is about dancing and how it relates to fitness. Primrose Schools is hosting a Dance Off competition (with proceeds going the Children's Miracle Network Hospitals) for families and I think it is something you and your readers would enjoy!
I look forward to hearing from you!
Thank you,
Emily Patterson
epatterson@primroseschools.com
This is a good question to ask the hostess. Some hostesses take a more-the-merrier approach but others may not have the space or financial resources to host a larger shower. Or if someone wanted to host – say – a sit-down luncheon with a tablescape worthy of a Dear Alisha blog post, the nature of the shower dictates a shorter list.
Even the short list can get long when you’ve lived in one place for a while. If many people have befriended you, or if you’ve helped others and they’d like to reciprocate, years’ worth of friendships seem to make the short list grow bigger.
One thing I’ve really appreciated when I’ve gone to large showers is the thank you note or verbal thank you for the gift afterwards. If my gift is one of a dozen 3-6 month dresses the mother-to-be was given, I’m still happy to have given my gift, but I realize it wasn’t really needed and the baby may only wear it once, if that. So I really appreciate the mother taking a minute to thank me for celebrating with her at the shower and recognizing the gift. It makes me feel like my presence and the gift were about a gesture of friendship rather than “more stuff” for the baby.
I would basically go by the concept, if I didn't have a shower, and after I have the baby, is that person going to stop by and see the baby or send me a gift anyways, that's who I invite to the shower.
Lien
I'm all for celebrating each birth individually, but I tend to go with the first per gender/after a long gap rule for having a shower. Each child will be celebrated and welcomed no matter what. If I truly know the person, I usually give a gift after the birth if there isn't a shower (or I'm not invited) but it seems a bit of overkill to have a full blown shower when they're having one every 1.5 years. I view the shower more as preparing the parents for the birth and helping with some of the burden (financial and time). If they have all the baby stuff they'll ever need and 5 kids worth of hand-me-downs they don't need more clothes/bottles/toys. I would prefer babysitting and dinners after the birth. Maybe have a small shower for very close friends/family.
If its the long-awaited baby of the other gender, feel free to have a full-blown bash! Adoptions (at any age) are also deserving of a big bash.
That being said, I would invite only those with whom you have a real relationship. Think of it like Jane Austen...you have 'Friends' and 'Aquaintences'. Friends are always invited, aquaintences only for formal events (graduations, weddings) and christmas cards.
A few years ago I received an invite to a shower for a woman I didn't even know. I knew the person throwing it and I guess she thought that meant I knew the mother-to-be. But even in that instance I wasn't annoyed. I love going to baby showers although I didn't end up going to that one.
I say have a shower with every baby, if of course someone offered to throw one. If someone already has enough baby stuff, it could always be a baby shower where everyone brings a frozen casserole so the mom-to-be doesn't have to cook for a while. Babies are so fun and deserved to be celebrated regardless of what number they are.
The idea of a shower for every baby doesn't bother me. It's the registries listed on the invites and general gift grubbing that annoys me. I think most women know how to ask where someone is registered if they want to purchase something from a registry, so including it on the invite makes me feel like I'm only wanted for the gifts I bring. Call me traditional but it just ain't fittin.
oh I so appreciate the comment about gift registry! That is exactly how I feel!
I love getting invites to showers, not so much, "hostess parties". I agree with Rachel that the guest list should be discussed with the shower giver. I know I like to go all out, but am sometimes overwhelmed by a monstrous guest list. Imagine the cost of postage alone for a shower with 165 invitations!
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