"I like how bold you are with your eye makeup! And it makes my face look fresh."*To be clear, a backhanded compliment is "an insult disguised as a compliment". Speaking for myself and possibly the women in my family, my true intention is the compliment...with a little clarification. It is not that I mean to be insulting but rather feel the need to be overly honest. "Those are really cute for orthopedic shoes!" I just had to throw in that qualifier. Or maybe I just say a little too much and should have stopped while I was ahead. "Your children were so well behaved.... I am surprised after all I've heard about them."
It is hard for me to think of very many examples. I usually don't hear the insult but remember the compliment. Most backhanders that I can recall hearing or giving are about weight:
"Good thing those pants still fit!"
"That shirt is really flattering, I also wear button-downs whenever I am trying to disguise extra belly weight".
"Don't worry, you'll lose the weight when you stop nursing."
"You don't look fat in this photo!"A lot of backhanders seem to occur while looking at photos. "You look cute in the photo. What, you don't like it? Because of your big teeth?" (Said when a friend showed me a picture of herself in the newspaper.)
Today I need your help. Because you need this, and because I can't think of enough myself, tell me all the backhanded compliments you have heard. You may even tell me the 'compliments' I have (back)handed out to you.
Have a field day. Just remember it can't be a straight out insult or constructive criticism, there has to me a compliment mixed in there.
*Niki, I will change that less than flattering photo of you after you call me.
I think what I really said was "I like your edgy look. It's like you rolled out of bed after a night of binge drinking, smeared on some extra eyeliner, and ran out the door still wearing the same clothes." (love you)
Just to be nice, here's a picture of what Niki really looks like on any given day.
33 comments:
I was in the supermarket one day when a lady came up to me and asked if I was this lady that she went to high school with. I assured her I wasn't. She was insistent because, "I have never known anyone else with a nose like that." Yeah, nice to be thought of but just not in that way.
It's okay Lori. I've been told that I would be beautiful if it weren't for my nose! Thanks!
Yeah, I got that same one from my sister. It's just that much better when it's from family.
While having dinner at your house you said you didn't want to use your [certain colored tablecloth] because we weren't that color (probably pink). So, you said you decided to use brown because it was modern...and boring. I have chosen to focus on the "modern" part of the compliment. :)
ahaahahhaha, i think i am guilty of this a lot, not intentionally but because i can be a little too honest sometimes. and then after it comes out of my mouth i realize what i just said and try to back-pedal and make fun of myself, but i dont think it works.
and niki's gorgeous!
Off the top of my head, here are two Alisha backhands:
"Oh, I love that mirror....It's the same one Pam has, right? Except hers is hung at the correct height..."
[introducing me at a dinner party] "And this is Chelsea ... who I'm not used to seeing with so much eye makeup. No, but it looks good!"
Alisha, this is one of the reasons we love you!! I love your description of Niki's pic. (love ya Nikola) I have looked at that picture and tried to figure out what wasn't quite right about it. The model glamour shot gone wrong. The backhanded compliment is probably a family trait. I can't think of any good examples right now (It's to late) but I'm sure they will come to me.
My father-in-law is visiting. Here are two gems from our first day together.
(to me) "You don't look tubby anymore."
(on whether we should have more children. FYI - I did not ask for his opinion.) "You have two healty, good-looking, smart-as-hell boys who already tear the house apart. That's a good place to stop."
"healthy"
My mom is the queen of backhands. She really means well tough. Here's a classic, "You are so beautiful today! Normally your uh but today your beautiful!"
Oh my gosh Rachel, I'm dying!! And it's only the first day!!?
Come over any night!
Your Dad's classic,"I like that dress... too bad it doesn't fit!"
I have a relative who when I make food/bring a gift/do any service says, "Thanks for making the...effort." Arg! Almost like you'd tell a kid they made a good effort trying to color...
I got this one right after we adopted our 1st baby, "He is so cute, he even looks like a little mexican man!" It kinda felt backhanded, but I took it as two compliments since he is cute and he is part mexican.
Alisha, I decided you are like the Simon Cowell of my friends. You give your true and honest opinion very strait forward, even though it may seem a little brash. For me the advice and opinion is very valued and since I know your true intention as my friend, it is not hard to take. And, just like when Simon gives a compliment, when you give a compliment it means so much more than a compliment from anyone else. Plus your funny.
Hows that for a backhanded compliment?
Father-in-law comments - Day 2.
(On my marathon finish) "I'm proud of you. I didn't think you had it in you to work hard and stick with something like that."
(Toasting our ninth wedding anniversary. Additional background: my sister-in-law and her first husband divorced after a year of marriage.) "Nine years - that's an accomplishment. I really thought you two would get divorced before Tara and Eric."
Rachel! I can't believe your father-in-law! wow. You're awesome and not tubby at all so don't pay attention to him.
I read this post a few days ago and mentioned it to Dallin. I thought it was funny and exactly like some people I know. I wanted to leave a comment but thought I would wait until I thought of one that I have received or have given...
Well this week I got strep throat. SOOOO not fun. On Friday Dallin stayed home from work so that I could sleep more. Well he wanted to post on our blog what happened in our house that day so he took a picture of the baby sleeping and then one of ME sleeping!
Who wants to see a picture of a sick person sleeping?! Needless to say it was a horrible picture.
During our debate on whether or not to post it (I was quite adamant about it NOT being available for all to see while he teased about wanting to post it).
Then I said to him, "If you post it Alisha will comment, 'That was so brave of you to post THAT picture on your blog'"
We laughed, and it wasn't posted.
Thankfully day three has been much better. My father-in-law's only backhanded compliment was about my shoes. It's even more funny because he was cautious enough about my kids being within earshot to whisper part of it.
Purely because I knew they'd draw a reaction, I wore platform heels to church this morning.
"Those look like (whispers) street walker shoes. But more classy...because your shoes have wood on the bottom, and I've never seen a (whispers again) street walker with two-color shoes like that."
Honestly, I was a bit disappointed. I thought he'd deliver better than that. Plus the "street walker" come-backs are just too easy. I smiled to myself all the way to church. :)
Rachel, these comments are just priceless.
We're all loving them as much as you undoubtedly are.
My in-laws left this morning, so (hopefully) I won’t have anything to post for a while. Though if you ever blog about awkward / embarrassing / blood-boiling run-ins with the in-laws, I have plenty of material for you.
Here’s the lesson learned, ladies: if your in-laws have never commented on your weight, called you lazy, told you to stop having children because yours are mini-hellions, criticized your marriage, or admitted to checking out a prostitute, call them right now and tell them how much you appreciate them. Life could be worse.
P.S. Since my father-in-law is trying to cut back on white flour and sugar, I gave him your / Emily’s cookie recipe. I’ll let you know what he thinks.
While attending a progressive RS Christmas dinner, the hostess had us introduce ourselves and tell where we lived. I introduced myself and said that my family and I lived in the apartments just down the hill from the church. The hostess said, "Oh, I love those little apartments. We lived there for two months while this house was being built." (Her home was palatial.) How does one respond to a comment like that? I chose to remain silent and let the chirping crickets punctuate the awkwardness of her statement.
I love your comments, Rachel. I almost wish your in-laws were staying longer so we could hear more "delightful gems." Good thing your FIL doesn't visit Alisha's blog though.
I had a lady at church say "I've noticed that you love to wear pearl grays and other neutral colors, and you always look nice, but I wanted to share this with you," and she gave me a pamphlet entitled "Dress for Success." Same lady said, "I love your short haircut! Your long straight hair made your face look so long and narrow!"
LOL!! Oh Rachel! This is so over the top that he has to be kidding. He obviously thinks your confident enough to take it. I hope you're dishing it back to him!
Love me some Alisha compliments! I relish every single one of them :)
"those are really cute shoes, it looks like something Jan Brady would wear"
all while I was standing there in killer heels - made me look fabulous..thanks alisha for owning those Jan Brady shoes.
I wish, Mandee. We had some hearty banter about the shoes, but the rest...not so much. Sometimes he realizes he's said something awkward and tries to backpedal, which he did for the divorce comment. But the more he explained his comment about the marathon, the more telling it was and the more damage it did.
I didn't want to get too whiny on here, but the reason day three was "better" was because I had to sit him down and tell him to stop making snide comments about me.
'nuff said. Got anything new, Alisha.? I'm ready for a change of topic.
Best one I've ever heard: "Oh *Suzzy you're so cute! You're going to go to BYU, loose 10 or 15 pounds, and those boys are going to love you!"
Legendary...
It's hereditary. I know I do it, too, probably because I want to give a compliment and a dig at the same time to some, and just tease someone without getting into too much trouble at other times. And then there's your dad. But it's hereditary further than that. Right befor dad and I got married (like 3 days) we realized we hadn't thought of where to live, so we found the first close, cheap, available apartment in a real hurry. It was admittedly a doozy. When your grandmother E came over to check it out, she said "O well, you don't need much!"
So you (the whole Ethington family) know you do this? I always thought you guys didn't realize it. Being close to your family I have had my fair share of backhanded compliments. I think it taugh me to have thick skin.
Sorry Megan, I'm sure you've heard more than your share. I'd say we are not aware of how often we do it. And some of us are worse at it than others. :)
Oh and Megan, you haven't treated us to any that you have heard....
Well... How about, " wow, your baby is so cute. Seriously, good looking. Bogle babies aren't usually cute, you know"
I must say though, it is all part of the Ethington charm!
I am so mad I missed this... I have so many comments!
1. I don't give back handed compliments. It skipped me. I say I don't like things, whisper my thoughts to the closest friend, and give genuine compliments. But I get more backhanded compliments than anyone should ever hear in their lifetime.
2. Favorite Aunt, whoever you are, the oddity in that picture is that I am laying down, with a lihgt guy and a photographer hovering OVER me (and yes, my vanity brought me to this so quickly), plus it was about 100 degrees outside, I was wearing $2000 woth of clothes I din't own, and I really didn't want to do the shoot. However, that photo, and others from that shoot have been published and bought, so there. Plus, Alisha's comment was about the top photo, not the bottem.
3. I like eyeliner, and I'm gonna get it tattooed one day! take that!
4. Mom, you are worse than Grandma, sorry, but it's true.
5. Rachel, you and your heels may have qualified for sainthood.
Caesar's wife must be above suspicion
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