Boot-y-licious

It's time. I have been thinking about the subject of this post for a long, long time. Some of you need to hear this more than others. I hope you'll take it as intended (with love, criticism, mockery) and plan your lives accordingly.

Unless you have been living under a rock, or in Coolidge, you will have noticed already that boots are huge this season. Expect to see them constantly. Even in Arizona, as soon as the temperatures quit reaching over 100 degrees, expect booted legs to start showing up. (With tank tops! Don't get me started!!)

What we need to talk about it when boots go wrong. Here's what I anticipate seeing when cold weather arrives: skanky, ill-fitting, outdated "sexy" boots. On my better days I have wanted to pull some of you aside and whisper, gently delivering the blow, letting you know of your boot folly, and pleading with you to change. On my crankier days I have wanted to publicly shame you for wearing such foolish, cheap, stolen-from-a-15-year-old-hooker boots, ending with a slap on your face or tearing the offending boots off. Instead I try to avert my eyes.

I asked for volunteer photos of big calves on facebook, and this one perfectly illustrates my point. (I have seen worse in person, mind you.) It also shows another pet peeve of mine- sawed-off square toes!! They make me so angry!!

Let's get specific.
Problem #1 Too Tight. If you have larger, strong, voluptuous calves, you cannot smash them into a slender cut knee-high boot. The results are dastardly. Instead of celebrating your shapely figure, it looks like you are apologizing for having big calves. It looks vulgar. You deserve better. You undoubtedly are muscular yet sensual and should display your legs as to maximize their attractiveness. As I see it, here are your options:
1. Extended calf boots. There are more and more of them available each year. Also there are some styles of boots that are made to fit loose and that may work for you.

2. For some of you, extended calves will still be too small. You must quit wearing knee high boots. I'm sorry, but like I said, you deserve better. You look good in regular heels so wear them with stocking for winter.

3. Not exactly a boot, but a bootie, They come to the ankles and might be an acceptable choice. Beware of mid-calf boots. I think they will hit you in your fullest part and only make you look larger or like the lower half of your leg is cinched into the boot and the top half is exploding out the top.

Nine West. Just think how good your calves would look in these beauties!

If you are reading this thinking "sure, Alisha, it's easy for you to say quit wearing boots, because you'll never have to with your proportionate but well toned calves!" (thank you). It is your best interest I have in mind.

This was the funniest submission. I just want to pinch those chubby calves!

Problem #2 Cheap and outdated. I get it. Boots are expensive and you have a shorter season to wear them than normal shoes. The expense comes from the large amount of material required. It's easy to find synthetic boots at a fraction of the price and think that is the way to go. The problem is that because there is so much material, the cheapness is more apparent. Most pleather or synthetic boots aren't fooling anyone. They look cheapie and buckle around the ankles. I an not saying all synthetic boots are off the table, I've seen a couple of fakes that I thought were leather and were in a trendy style that I don't think I would want pay the real leather price of. Either buy real leather or really good fakes. This is where the term "investment dressing" applies.

If you are going to buy a pair of boots and I have convinced you to buy leather, these will cost more and you will no doubt want to get your money's worth out of them. I will suggest buying a classic style that will last you several years. There really is no such thing as buying a pair that will always be in style, but as close as you can come to it. Look for something simple. Nothing too trendy, not too many bells or whistles, no scrunching, no square toe, no pointed toe, no platform bottom. Yes to real leather that fits well. Yes to a rounded toe. Yes to good leather.

These Christian Louboutin might just look good forever.

A basic riding boot, from Cole Haan, would be worn frequently and for years.

I don't want you to think that I am always this catty, my excuse is that this is a subject that has needed addressing for years. YEARS. Oh how I've suffered.

So you don't think I'm all complaints, let's talk about upcoming fall trends a little more.

Over the Knee Boots. I like this but I understand that they can go wrong so easily. They're so close to overly-suggestive instead of fashionable. To play it safe, I suggest wearing a flat heel with over the knee styles.

These boots were made for stalking,by Tori Burch

by Jessica Simpson. Wait, did I just use Jessica Simpson as an example of something non-skanky?!

That said, I don't wear flats. I'm on the hunt for the perfect pair of respectable high-heeled over-the-knee-boots. How to wear them: cautiously. Wear over jeggings or with a dress or skirt, and the skirt should cover the top part of the boot. So you look like you have one long, booted leg. Since my legs are short (but well shaped) this makes me a little nervous, but it's a trend I'm excited to try.

A little like these NineWesters.

Ankle Booties. It has taken a little time for me to come around to this trend, but I'm hesitantly there now. My concern is that it cuts my feet off at the ankles and makes me look shorter, but I'm willing to roll with it for now.

Two trends in one, Lace and Pain. Where would I wear them? And with what? Everywhere. Soccer practice. With jeans. (I'm lying. I'm much too lazy to put that kind of effort into mid-day dressing.)

Pure hatred. From Topshop.

Practical from J.Crew. These I would wear to soccer practice.

Lace Ups: a short lived trend.

For the Johnny Depp fans our there, worn and rustic by Charles David.

Remember what I said about being overly suggestive?

No.

Try these instead

Both by Christian Louboutin

I like this trend, from H&M, so they are in my price range for a don't-hold-your-breath-on-wearing-them-next-year-style.

What boots will you be wearing this season?