Dear Alisha
How do you deal with your in-laws? We have been married less than a year and I'm already at my wits end! First I will say my husband's parents are divorced, so there is always the constant pulling between the two.
But just in the past month, my FIL has said such hurtful things to my husband AND unfriended us both on Facebook. I'll admit my husband may have said a few things out of line (it was all via email so I read the whole thing... I know I know it isn't the best mode of communication in an already strained relationship but it's really the only way they ever communicate.) But the things he said, no father should say to a son and were completely uncalled for. Plus, I'm pretty sure it's not normal for a parent to unfriend their child and DIL on Facebook. There's a whole laundry list of things I could mention, but I think you get the gist. Anything you can suggest here would be helpful but I'm thinking their relationship is a lost cause. Don't get me wrong, I would really like for him to have a healthy relationship with his parents. It just seems like he isn't a willing participant in any sort of positive relationship.
Then there's his mother. She sort of has a love hate relationship with us. Things will go well for a while, we talk regularly (she lives out of state) and then we do something (seemingly innocent) to set her off and she'll be upset, hang up on us or just not answer the phone. Most recently, we booked last minute travel plans with my family, since she had said they were staying home this year for Christmas. My husband even told her before we finalized everything. Then, that same night, she says we lied to her. Even if my husband hadn't told her, I didn't know we had to check with my MIL when making plans that don't involve her.
So, after all my whining, I'm hoping you'll have a tactful way of dealing with my in-laws. I've tried looking for ideas online (my normal source) but most issues with MILs are the type that criticize your housekeeping, snoop, want you to baby their baby etc and she's really not like that. When times are good, I feel like I can go to her for tips on cooking, information on my husband's medical history he may have forgotten etc, but then there's times like these. What's a girl to do? Help!
Sincerely, *
Out-lawing in-laws.
Dear Outlaw,
First off, I'm not an expert on this subject in any way. I have it easy with my in-laws. Both my in-laws and my parents act like adults. Sometimes getting along with parents, like most people, is a conscious choice.
Off hand, I'd say both parent examples sound very insecure and easily hurt. Maybe their past relationships have taught them bad ways to deal with family and to be distrustful. I would imagine it will take time for either of them to come to trust you. You will have to show them consistent, kind behavior and over time you can build a healthy, fulfilling relationship. You might have to handle this in a more mature and generous way than they are. I agree that you want to aim for a healthy, happy relationship. Who doesn't want that with a parent?
I am sure that you'll need to establish "boundaries" but I'm not sure what exactly that means, besides not letting them be outright hurtful. I wouldn't set myself up for that.
Okay Readers, this is your time to shine. If you have dealt with a situation similar to this or have good advice, let's here it. We'd love a reading reference to get our Outlaw going.
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8 comments:
I'm not an expert either, but I have had some rocky times with my in-laws and here's how I have coped.
Be prepared constantly for an in-law melt-down. Know how you're going to react. Decide now that you're not going to take it personally or be offended when they seem to be aiming for offense. Be calm and confident in who you are -- this will help you to not be offended or take it personally. I believe that most people, when acting crazy, aren't thinking about you. They're thinking about themselves. So, you can rest assured that they're no reason to take it personally.
The problems with your husband and his dad are sad. I've had similar conflicts in my own family between siblings and parents. The best thing you can do is to stay out of the cross fire. Support and love your husband. He needs you to be firm and grounded. There may not be anything you can do to change the situation, but you can at least make sure it's not affecting you and your husband's relationship.
In-laws can be tricky. Some people are blessed with wonderful in-laws. Others aren't. You just have to make the best out of what's there and decide that irregardless of what's going on with them, you and your husband are going to be happy as you begin to build your family together. Remember: they aren't the focus in your life. Your NEW family is. So, you can love them and try to make the best out of your time with them, but your life is with your husband and his is with you.
Best luck wishes!
Thank you to the lone commenter above for their excellent advice.
The rest of you aren't shining.
irregardless?
irregardless?
meaning regardless of being regardless?
come on. step up the grammar.
OK, Alisha, I have to respond to this one. My husband and I have been married 21 years and I've ridden this roller coaster all that time trying to make it work with his parents. Just a couple weeks ago I gave up. If after 21 years nothing's changed, I don't think it's likely that it ever will.
Without going into detail, the basic problem with us is that my husband's parents are completely self-centered. Also, because of their own histories, they are very immature in terms of relationships. I've often thought my mother-in-law was the true example of arrested development--she is still the girl who married at 17. Top all this with the fact that they have zero interest in anyone other than themselves. They do not go beyond, "How are your parents?" (they never ask me how I am). They never can remember what it is my husband does for a living--another example of their lack of genuine interest. They forget our son's birthday every year until a few days later. When our daughter was born, my MIL showed up for a week-long visit and said, "Good thing you're a good cook, so we'll eat well while I'm here."
All this is exacerbated by the fact that we have absolutely NOTHING in common--they are extremely right wing with no interest in the world around them; we are very liberal and are curious about what lies beyond our own comfort zones. So getting together with them means one-sided conversations with ourselves (at best) or staring at each other blankly (at worst). When we ask them about themselves, they respond with one-syllable answers.
So after all this time, I've had it. My husband wishes things were different. He's tried talking with them. He doesn't enjoy their company but doesn't want to hurt them by shutting them out of our (and our children's) lives. I'm tired of accommodating their needs and not looking after my own.
What's my advice? Do what you want to do and live your own life. Of course, be kind and courteous and respectful (they did give your husband life, even if they are not good to him). But like another commenter said, know what you will allow yourself to do before hand and be prepared to protect your new family from this hostility and discomfort. I would say agree to see them for brief visits, like maybe dinner in a restaurant. When your MIL visits from out of town, offer to pay for her hotel for two nights. When you visit her, stay in a hotel as well. Create some distance so they understand in a concrete way that you are now a separate entity. Establish from the get-go that you have "boundaries." If his father again goes for the jugular, calmly opt out of the conversation.
I know this all sounds cold and harsh, but I wish I'd followed this advice as a newly wed rather than taking all these years to understand that my husband and I are adults who are entitled to our own needs and desires. Just because they are "parents" does not give them the right to always call the shots. Allowing them to do so will only result in resentment on your part.
Hope that helps. Please report back--I would like to know how it all works out. Good luck!
By the way, my husband de-friended his dad from Facebook for similar reasons. It's ok to do that!
--Sally
Dear Outlaw,
Maybe that comment from anonymous #2 was really your father-in-law? What you must put up with.
Thanks guys! My husband is normally more irritated by it all (initially anyways) than I am. So while we make sure to keep communication lines between us open and keep on working on having a happy, healthy marriage, I'm normally the one prodding him to spend time with his family. He'd be perfectly fine never talking to them again, but I really want him to have a good relationship with them.
I have amazing in-laws, really easy to deal with. My mom, however has been blessed with "quirky" ones. There have been hurtful things said and done over the years. She has been pretty amazing at dealing with it though and has even built a strong, healthy relationship with them.
What I notice is that she is always nice and kind to them, but does not let them walk all over her. She let's a lot of things slide and takes a stand or argues a point (or defends herself) only on things that are really important to her. Most arguments are not worth the energy and you feel stupid for even participating. Most importantly she usually takes the higher road. Oh, and she doesn't hold grudges.
My grandparents have quite a bit of respect for her now due to these qualities. Sure, she's hurt sometimes but then she just sighs and says to me "it's just the way they are, I can't change them."
Whoops! I guess "irregardless" isn't a shining example of correct grammar, is it?? Did you also notice that I used "They're" instead of "There's"? I'm just a grammatical mess! Thanks, outlaw's father-in-law, for showing me the light! This is me "Stepping up the grammar"!
:) :)
Happy Thanksgiving!! (To everyone. Not just Mr. Grumpy pants anonymous.)
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