Saving Face(book)

"Let's see.. more love poems from a facebook friend? Not again!"
photo by Trevor

Dear Alisha,

I’m on Facebook but don’t send many friend requests. I like keeping up with the people currently in my life. But for most people – especially those from my past that I never see - I’m usually okay keeping in touch in a Christmas card sort of way.

Recently an ex-boyfriend “friended” me. This relationship went down in flames. FLAMES. And it was all my doing. We haven’t spoken since the breakup – it’s been well over a decade – though we have several mutual friends.

I’m married. He’s not.

I accepted his friend request. Mostly because we have mutual friends, and since I don’t have hard feelings against him (I crashed the relationship), it seemed like the mature life-isn’t-high-school-anymore thing to do. Still, it just seems weird. I don’t particularly care to keep up with him and (honestly) prefer to drop him. But we really do have a lot of mutual friends. So I’m not sure if I should act like a grown up and stick it out.

What do you think? What should I do with my unwanted friend?

Sincerely,

Hiding on Facebook

Dear Saving Face(book),

First I'll give you the short answer: if you don't want to be friends with someone on a social network, don't be.

The longer discussion would be that "friends" on facebook are usually a mix of casual and close friends. I have many facebook friends that would not make the Christmas card list. Not because I don't like them, it's just that neither of us would feel the need. So if it was just a sensitive friend, I'd say what's the big deal?

However, you're bringing up the ex-boyfriend issue. Based on your dramatic past, it does sound like de-friending him would hurt his feelings. ("How many times can I be rejected by her!?") My opinion with ex-boyfriends: it's always better to err on the side of being cautious and not be facebook friends. We've all heard of old flames reconnecting and trouble starting. Glenn Beck says 120% of divorces can be traced to facebook romances! That said I have a couple of guys I dated casually, techincally ex's, who I am sure are not still in love with me, hanging out in my friend pile. But I have many ("many?") that I would not be friends with. Who's to say they're completely over me? (*wink*)

You can adjust your friend settings so that some of your friends see just basic information about you but not your status updates, while others get the full story. Both types are still listed as your friend. That might be the middle road, keeping this ex out of your life but also keeping him from jumping off a bridge. [It probably goes with out saying, but don't make the posts he can see glamor shots of yourself or "what do you guys think of my new bikini?" photos or changing your relationship status to "it's complicated".] Still, if that makes you uncomfortable, remember you don't owe him anything. Just de-friend.

Here is a similar chaser question:

Dear Alisha,

What is is your opinion on the etiquette of old girlfriends/boyfriends on facebook? I don't ever add old flames as friends, but recently, my husband's old girlfriend sent me a friend request (my husband does not have a facebook account). I don't want to seem immature or jealous, but at the same time, I frankly don't care what she is "doing right now", and think it is weird she wants to check out my husband and kids. And, although we have a couple of mutual friends, I have not actually ever met this girl. How would you handle this?

Sincerely,
Nix on the vixen

Dear Nix the Vixen,

See above. If you don't want her as a facebook friend, then just ignore her request. You must not be as curious as I am. I would jump at the chance to peek into the life of one of my husband's ex-girlfriends. Then I'd be disappointed over how boring/blah she inevitably would be.