Dear Not Running (Out of Steam)

Dear Alisha,
Where to begin? I am a mother who is struggling a bit. Let me begin my saying that I love my children and my husband and I wouldn't really want any other life than this.

But some days, I feel like I could run away and be happier just living on my own with no noses to wipe, diapers to change, sleep to lose, or messes to clean up. Most days I feel great. And I really do. I love my life and I love the company of my children. It's just sometimes it creeps in (and lately it has been creeping in more often) -- the feeling that I have to get out of here. I can't bear to argue with a toddler for one more minute, or to listen to whining all day long. If anybody makes one more mess that I have to clean up, I'm going to scream.

One thing that really makes me sad is that I always thought I would have a big family. I never anticipated it being this hard. And I think it's the monotony that makes it hard for me. And feeling like I am no longer just "me" I can't just go anywhere and do anything without the challenges of fighting and struggling with kids. (Can you tell that today is one of those bad days?) So thinking about having more children is a combination of feeling like our family isn't complete yet and feeling like I'm not sure I could handle more children.

Again, I wouldn't leave my family. So my question is, is this normal? Do all moms feel like this sometimes and it comes and goes and you just chalk it up to being tired and worn out and that it won't be like this forever? And if it's normal, I need some encouragement. Some uplifting words to get me through those long days that are so discouraging.

And if it's not normal, well, then I don't know where to go from here. Lots of prayers, I guess.

Sincerely,

Not Running

The first chance I get to escape from here.... 

Dear Not Running,

Have you been reading my journal??  I bet a large portion of mothers can identify with the feelings you are having.  

I have my ups and downs as a mother too.  It seems to me that the hardest phase was after I had two kids.  The lack of freedom -and sleep-was such an adjustment.  It was always a battle between what might entertain my kids and what I wanted to do. House work became never ending.  

Oddly, I find it easier now that I have more children.  I don't know if it's because my days are busier, have more of a routine,  or if I am more use to the lack of get-up-and-go freedom. Or maybe I'm better at ignoring whining.  Most likely I've adjusted my expectations.

I am trying to think of practical things that have helped me. These are loose suggestions:

Nourish yourself.  This is the stuff self-help books are made of.  I have even talked about it a little bit in a post here: Not a Teenager Anymore.  Really, keep your mind engaged and interested in life.  Just because your kids like dumb cartoons and juvenile stories doesn't mean you have to.  Don't be the kind of mom who sacrifices everything for her kids, including her own personality and interests.  Nobody wants that.

Find things you can look forward to doing with your children around.  It may be easier to think of things that you can look forward to doing without your children, and those are good too, savor them, but they aren't available all that often.  I am rather social and feel better when I'm not alone with my kids all day and sometimes all night.  For example, going to the park with my kids is mind numbingly boring.  But going to the park with my kids and other moms and their kids is fun.  Win-win. Persist in setting up park play dates.  "You feel like a good mom any day your kids play outside at the park."  I have tried baking with my kids with mixed results, probably more positive than not.  I like gardening while they dig dirt around me.  Recently I have taken to finding children's books that I actually enjoy reading.  It helps if they have gorgeous illustrations. 

I love this book by Gyo Fujikawa

Let your kids learn how to entertain themselves.  You don't want to be stuck doing that forever.

Your kids will not always be this demanding.  I enjoy the company of my older children.  They are less work and have interesting conversations with me.

Develop a good support network.  That might be helping your husband understand how you are feeling and help bear the load. It also means friends you can call up when you are having a bad day and need out of the house.  Or family or good friends you can email your deepest feelings and complaints to. Having a great group of friends and support will probably take some work and most likely will not just fall into your lap.

Remember that even when you were childless you still had obligations and responsibilities and not every day was bliss.  It is impractical to expect nirvana now.  This article has been circulating the web and I liked it: Don't Carpe Diem.  [There are probably hundreds of great articles and talks on this subject but do you own research.  Or maybe my readers will have something to offer you.] 
If your life doesn't seem perfect at all times, that doesn't mean you aren't doing a great job.  

Oh! Lastly, I don't regret having any of my kids.  I doubt you would regret another child if you felt like that was what you should be doing.  Let it be your decision and don't feel pressured by anyone .

But what do I know?  
How about it Readers?  What words of wisdom or encouragement do you have for our (not) Running Mother?

Quality Education

First day of 2nd or 3rd Grade. Gorgeous.
(I remember my grandma took me to get this haircut while visiting her house and she didn't ask my mother first. I didn't get why that was such a big deal at the time. I loved that purse and carried it with me everywhere.)

Dear Alisha,

Is academics your highest priorities for your kids? If you could afford the best school that challenges your kids academically and also in the arts, would you pay for it, if you could?
Sincerely, Quality Education

Dear Quality Education,

Who is going to say no to you? Who would actually ever say no, academics isn't important?
I will say this, academics is not my highest priority for my kids. My highest priority is more that they are well rounded and happy children that grow to be successful, spiritual, giving, exciting adults. Or something like that. (I have never made a mission statement for my parenting before.) To be those things, they need to be educated in academics as well as the ways of life.

I do not think I would put my kids in private school unless something unusual happened. I like public education. I think it is important to support it. There is something to be learned in all schools. My favorite school that my children have attended so far has been a low income, Title One school, comprised largely of the children of migrant workers. If you looked at the test scores and statistics on the school it was a horror story. But my son learned to read in Spanish and English, improved his communications skills, and developed his social skills. His fellow classmates were sweet and fun and his teachers were competent and caring. And there was a free breakfast. (A free nasty breakfast but it was fun for Trevor on occasion.)
I also think it is important to consider the needs of the whole family. We eventually switched to the school in our neighborhood because my son had two napping siblings at the time he needed to be picked up every day. An added bonus to attending a local school is that he has been able to make friends with the children who live around us.

I don't like it when parents complain about teachers. (Those greedy teachers!) Sometimes it seems as if people want to prove their good parenting by finding fault with the teacher and school. I have found elementary teachers to be caring and in it for the right reasons. Most aren't perfect but they do a much better job at teaching my children academics than I would.
The End.

First Grade. Look how blond!

And now allow me to meander.
This week my three sons started school and I went to meet their teachers and hear about the class with both my youngers. First it was off for a kindergarten placement test at a public school. His teacher was testing a small group of students together while the parents loomed about. The parents were of different races and gender, but I was the only one not displaying a large amount of tattoos. Even the mothers! And not the simple 'I had some fun in college' kind either. Their forearms were covered and they looked freshly inked. Which brings me to my second rank:
Why so junky? Some of the parents were dressed conservatively, so it seemed even weirder on them. Has the world watched too many episodes of Miami Ink? They look a little trashy now but with only look sillier as they age.

Then a lovely Asian mother arrived with her daughter wearing a "Jesus Loves Me" t-shirt and I knew I was safe. While all the other kids struggled to count to 20, (most skipped 15), to further stereotypes this little girl smoothly counted to 100.

Next stop was to my little son's parent-co-op-artisty-pre-school. Here they met with us one on one. They wore Tevas. They smiled and nodded a lot. My kids could do no wrong. There was the subtle smell of garlic in the air. (Can garlic even be subtle?? Okay garlic, we get it.) The teacher was over qualified to sit in a circle with 2 and 3 year olds and sing songs. She also said from both teaching and "experiencing" several different types of education, "there is no perfect school".

I know this can be a controversial topic, and I didn't even bring up home-schooling, but are you satisfied with your child's education or is the grass greener elsewhere? Would you chose private school?(I don't like that I am even giving you that option. Learn to be happy.)

First Day of 4th Grade. As you can see, I am already exuding style.

Oh Mother

What have you been up to these past few weeks? No one asks. Most of you already know I had a baby and that it was recently Mother's Day. I thought I'd fill you on a few details, but keep your expectations low and your patience high.


Here I am the morning of my scheduled C-section. (p.s. I'd like a new term for C-section. It's time we moved on.) "Justin, quick! Take a last ever shot of me pregnant!" Here I'm trying to think about how excited I am to see and touch my new little baby in just 3 short hours, rather than 'hey, they're going to cut me open in just 2.5 short hours'.

All set to go! This photo proves my lack of vanity. The creepy anesthesiologist already came in and gave me a pep talk that freaked me out. I won't give you all the details but he prattled on about how I might feel contractions, even with a spinal, when my uterus was out of my body, because-funny thing-it just does that sometimes! Also that about 50% of patients throw-up in the operating room anyways so I'm free to join that statistic.

I am near panic when the nurse announces it's time for me to wear a hat and walk down the hall to surgery. At this time Justin sneaks the above photo. I decide never, ever to have surgery again while awake and conscious. (So that rules out further C-sections and brain surgery?)

Still I have a lot to look forward to and here are the highlights:

Hearing her cry for the first time! Then Justin brings her over for me to take a look and nervously analyze which feature comes from which parent.

As soon as I'm stapled back together I'm given the baby to nurse. All 4 of my children have been aggressive nurses from the first hour of life. When thinking about this ahead of time, it is a little concerning to me because this is what I am like:

Loopy. And they're trusting me to hold an infant?? I made Justin promise to watch me carefully so I wouldn't drop the baby on the floor. Fortunately it's human instinct to not drop your children. My face is red because the anesthesia makes me itch and I clawed at it all day. Does it jazz up the photo to know I had been puking but no one brought me a toothbrush, ever, and I didn't even care?

That same afternoon the boys came to the hospital to meet their new sister. "Boys! Put on a striped shirt, no, don't worry about your hair, just get down here as fast as you can!"

Perfect. A blank slate. What did we name her? It took a couple of days, but, wait for it..

Violet Marie

There were so many names to choose from! I could have renamed all the girl babies in the hospital. Thank you for all your suggestions. I picked Violet because, as my mom said, "I love the flower, I love the scent, I love the color, and I love the name." Marie is a family name.

Here's how I sold Justin on the name. Outside our front door I have a giant pot of pansies/violets growing. I conspired with my mom and she brought one of the smaller pots to the hospital on day one and we snuck a flower behind her ear. "Oh look who wants to be named Violet". And because Justin is a visual kind of guy, he totally fell for it.

Jump to Mother's Day. I usually don't give all the M.Day's details because one of Justin's talents is being thoughtful and generous on holidays and I don't want another mother who's reading to feel jilted or that her family loves her less if her husband doesn't bake, cook, clean, bring flowers, and buy gifts. It has me slightly concerned about my performance on Father's Day.

One thing I've been doing a lot of since having a baby ? Laying around? Yes! And eating lots of chocolate. Seriously, every day. I need the endorphins. My Easter stash was gone and Justin was nice enough to replenish. Also, he gives me roses every year. I need to get better at arranging roses.

Brunch

Saturday night Justin was downstairs baking up a storm. I heard the clatter of rolling pins, the mixer running, at 11:15 he came and asked me if we had any powdered sugar (we didn't) and he didn't come to bed till well after 1am. In the morning I found that he had made two quiches, see above, and pancake cookies, see below.

Also, lobster tacos for dinner. One of the best parts was that Justin took the little boys shopping the day before and they were gone for 4 long hours. They picked out the above placemates. I enjoyed laying around all day and being fed delicious food.

Here are the cookies he invented. I'll say this- I don't like pancakes very much but I love these cookies. I ate a stack, if you know what I mean. If you want the recipe, check it out here. You're free to try the recipe but don't submit it to any contests. Justin's sure that he can submit it to Betty Crocker and win a college education.

Lastly, it wouldn't be a Mother's Day post with out mentioning my own beloved Mother. She came and took care of both me and my family while I was at the hospital and recovering, for TWO weeks. Thanks Mom.