She's really asking for it.
Dear Alisha
Here's the deal. I adore my mother-in-law. Really! She might just be my favorite person in the world to talk to. We get along really well. But we live in different towns now, and when she comes for visits, she's usually here for days. (That's not the problem.) When she is here she ALWAYS, and I do mean always, either buys decorations for my house or brings things from her house to decorate my house with. She and I have very different styles, and while I know that she means well, it's awkward, (and a little hurtful), to have all this stuff (that I don't like at all) positioned all around my home without my input.
To complicate things, she is also very sensitive, and I know if I talked to her bluntly about this, that things would be very different between us for awhile.
Please advise!
Less-is-more
Dear Lessy,
This is your fault. Your MIL sounds nice. It's your fault for not being honest with her in the first place. Now it will be very hard not to hurt her feelings. You're going to have to be nice but firm. Compliment her up and down but let her know that you would like to establish your own design identity. Taking down the things she gives you won't be a hint enough.
I've seen many confused, unattractive houses cluttered with accessories given to the owner by a well meaning family member. Guess what? If you keep putting up the junk, they'll keep giving it to you! The next time they come across a discount ____,(decorative key holder? inspirational wall plaque? woven mexican blanket? framed copy of "Footprints"? vinyl letters spelling 'Believe'?), they'll think "hey! Old Lessy eats this stuff up! I should pick it up for her as a welcome gift for my next visit...!"
So stomp on your MIL's heart (with care) or live in a house you don't like.
P.S. My short answer would have been "grow a pair"
Does anyone else want to give Lessy suggestions of how to tell her Mother In Law?
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10 comments:
This is tough. But one thing I do know... I stopped buying my mom clothes for Christmas because she never wears the ones I get. That message is pretty clear to me.
One idea is, you take everything you don't like down. And don't put anything new that you don't like up. If asked, say, 'I just didn't think it went with the style' or 'I decided to simplify - too much too dust, haha!' or "Actually I gave to my friend, it was totally her style!' (read: but not mine)
When you sense a gift-giving is approaching you can give hints like, "All I know is I have enough stuff in my house, what I'd really like is a night out to my favorite restaurant"
I think it will be hard to avoiding hurting feelings altogether.
Okay, I definitely feel for you Less-is-More... but agree that you should take them down and start dropping hints. I'm in a similar situation, and I finally started doing just that (I even took something back that had been sitting on a shelf for 6 months and still got store credit...bonus!)
However, I'm finding this to be especially hard with things the MIL makes herself-- like, for instance, the stockings she cross-stitches for my kids that are very much not my style and totally clash with all my other holiday decor (my son's has a pink and blue santa on it... yeah). I had my own stockings up, mind you, that went with everything else, but my husband says we've got to incorpoprate these somehow because she spent a whole year making each of them. So, I'm trying to include them somehow, I figure it's only for a little while once a year, and for me that's better than really hurting her on that one. Bottom line, I feel your pain. (as if that helps!)
LOL! That sounds just like my mom! What I've started doing was fake (I only have to semi-fake) a panic attack (hyperventilating and stuff) every time she would start decorating my very decor-less home. I then tell her that I have a special system for picking out each and every piece of decor and if it's not done just right a plane is going to crash into my home.... She'll back off (my mom knows I used to be a control freak so it took a few panic attacks) AND you won't hurt her feelings because YOU'RE the crazy one.
Just remember Alisha loves homemade "interesting" ornaments.
Really Anonymous? That ridiculous, passive-aggresive approach is preferable to letting her down gently?
Lisa, I would use the stocking for sure. Christmas doesn't have to coordinate everywhere. (right?) Kids like the magic of mis-match.
In some cases, the MIL might have good taste and should be listened to.
Heavens yes! Anything to avoid hurting someones feelings!!
...and it's "Awesome" not "Anonymous" thank you [forced fake smile]
I agree with your short answer for me, Alisha. I do need a pair, because a decade or hints and disappearing decor hasn't done that trick.
And thanks for the phrases, Janalee. I'll practice saying, "All I know is I have enough stuff in my house!"
Funny extra - the stuff she gives me isn't even HER style! It's like she finds this stuff (like the gold LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE clock) at some cheap price so she must buy it and pass it on to me, because, if nothing else, at least there's a blank spot on my wall where it could go.
Also, there are many times I just say "no, thanks!" but what about when she hangs it up without asking?!
I'm sure she is very nice, but hanging things up without your permission or input is actually just being pushy. Next time she tries to do it or you feel it coming, you could just be honest with her and start & end with a compliment like Alisha said and then fill the middle with something like: 'You know, I hope you don't mind, but I (or we) are actually trying to be very choosy about the things we put up in our home - it's taking some time so I know there may appear to be bare spots, but we feel like each piece we carefully choose will turn into a look that really makes us happy eventually. When you bring me decor and put things up in my home, I feel like you're saying I'm not capable of decorating my house nicely myself. You may not mean it that way, but that is kind of how it comes off. You do a great job with your house & I think we're doing a pretty good job with our house. I hope you'll understand ...'
You know? So yeah, basically it will take a moment of guts :)
You could try Jana's suggestion first and this as a 2nd alternative if she still doesn't get the hint.
Good luck! (and yeah, with those hand knit stockings, that's not worth the conflict resolution moment - just think of them as ecclectic!)
Luckily, my mom went through this situation with both her mom and mom-in-law. Her house is riddled with mostly home-made decorations that she felt would be rude if she didn't put them up. She pays the price with a cluttery house. I say this is lucky for me because she doesn't want to impose this same hardship on me.
If you don't want to say anything to your MIL just take the crap down after she leaves and don't put it back up. If she asks you about it later then break her the news. Or you could always refer her to an inspiring blog called askalisha@blogspot.com. Your name isn't really Lessy, right?
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