Come on out little wall flowerDear Alisha,
A recent move to a new state has left me with scantily few distant friends. What's your tricks to making friends?
New In Town
Dear New One,
I have an idea! Do nothing! Stay home as much as possible. When you do go out, keep to yourself and be quiet. Wait for others to notice you and and attempt to befriend you. When someone asks how you like living in your new town, be sure and mention in a humble, slightly sad voice, how you don't feel like you have any friends. Oh! And add how this group/ward/workplace seems really clickish.
Okay, New One, I like you. I can tell you're not like the above mentioned person. I know it can be hard, but "putting yourself out there" doesn't apply to just dating. Or expensive dinners. Attend all meetings and activities that you are invited to.(If you are not a part of a church, join one.) Make an effort to introduce yourself and find common interests with others. Join in conversations. Share a talent or hobby of yours. For example, when I'm getting to know someone and I want to encourage the friendship, I might drop off a delicious treat at their home with a note. You could also take something special to work. You want them to think 'now there's someone I'd like to be friends with who also wants to be friends with me'. A little friendly and inviting is good. Watch that you don't go too far with your hopeful friend, like joining in her every conversation, following her home, calling her all hours of the night, or copying her clothing. Then your new friend would think 'crazy and desperate'. Just be the friendly version of yourself.
Also, don't judge a book by it's cover. I often find that some of my favorite friends I did not even notice at first, they weren't very stylish (What? is she talking about me?), and it took some time to nurture and develop our friendship. When I moved to Forest Grove I attended church right away and scanned the room for potential friends. I spotted a well dressed new mother and thought we'd hit it off. That friendship didn't really work out but I a few months later I was doing my VTing and met Angie and thought she was funny. We hung out again when we were both invited to a Halloween party. Our friendship slowly blossomed and now were' BFFs. But you see at first I didn't even notice her because she sat in the back, was quiet, and is from Idaho.
I think it takes a year to feel established and have friends in a new area, but it doesn't have to if you get busy now.
Does anyone else have any ideas for our new friend?
*I know what you are all thinking. That photo of me is awesome. Don't worry, it can apply to many situations and I'm sure to use it again.
8 comments:
Making friends: an age-old dilemma from age 5 to age 95. Well maybe you don't care so much when you're older.
I'm more reserved in nature, so I love and make friends best with outgoing quirky funny people (like you-know-who).
And it's so true, you can't predict who'll you'll be good friends with. I remember when I was in college handpicking some girls I thought would be good friends and we just never had that connection. But I found it with other girls just by hanging out and making myself available.
I tend to gravitate towards people who make me laugh.
everything Alisha said is true. You can't be lurking around like a wallflower and expect people to be interested. (and that's kind of how I am naturually so I have to bust out and try hard - preferably with a talker)
another tip: don't be a victim where the world is against you and you have plenty of stories to prove it! that gets annoying fast. also don't tell lies, even small ones, it all comes out. do you know how many people tell little lies either to brag or hide things? I don't know why people do that, but we're all onto you.
I like a good respectable confident friend. those are the ones that keep through the ages. (like you know who)
ditto all the advice aforementioned.
Don't be negative/depressed, either. It is so hard to try to cheer someone up constantly! Forget yerself and make everyone else happy.
Alisha, I think that photo of you is going to be one of my favorites, ever. So sorry, my first thought after seeing it was you look like one of my kids who had an "accident"
Alish,
That was one of the most beautiful beginning-of-a-friendship stories ever told. I do hope it is the only time I am the example of a "don't judge a book by its cover" story :)
Our six years in Oregon would have been so terribly different if we hadn't become friends with the Garritys. Thank goodness for the Cornelius ward visiting teaching assignments.
Making friends takes a lot of work. One thing that Alisha is good at is inviting people over to her home-- usually to share something delicious to
eat. True she and Justin are both very talented and fascinating hosts, and yes, they have an unbelievably beautiful home but I have found that this strategy even works in the sticks of Idaho in a ranch-style brick home. It seems it is hard to connect with a friend until you share your home with them. So be brave and invite someone over for chocolate chip cookies.
I have hardly made any new friends since high school so I have no advice.
But the "idaho" comment made me laugh as I too am a little prejudice about people from Idaho (it's mostly a joke Idahoans).
Oh Alisha, what is wrong with Idaho? Fasinating people come from Idaho and we know how to cook potatos.
I would like to say that it is not easy to put yourself out there when you are new. It is hard to find things that you have in common with someone else. Or it is hard to talk about yourself without someone thinking that you are bragging or thinking that you are just boring. It is also hard to have a onesided conversation either you doing all the talking or the one you were trying to talk to. One of my biggest pet peeves about trying to talk to someone new is when they don't really act interested and you can tell they are looking for someone else to talk to. Dinger to the confidence and yes you can tell when someone is not interested in your converstion. I guess my point is that it is not always easy to find something in common. And you certainly should not judge a book by its cover.
Noticed the picture first and said to Dad,"Alisha takes the greatest pictures for her blog!"
Hah, believe me, trying to force a friendship never, ever works. Usually if you leave yourself open and a little chatty with others, you will find your best friends just by falling into it. When you are attending an RS mtg together, commiserating at girls camp, or serving in a calling together. You have to be willing to open up some, but not worried about it if someone else doesn't respond.
Oh, and some of your best friends won't be your own age. Mine are 5-10 years older than me. That means theirs are 5-10 yrs younger. Just notice a complimentary personality/interests. And be patient.
That's my 2 cents.
Oh yea. One of my BFF's i 4 yrs younger than me.
Ksenia- That's your own fault! There are so many people in our ward (and out) that really want to be friends with you! I know of some that have put themselves out there and you are just not showing interest in being their friend back so they assume you don't really want to be friends with them!
I do the same thing too. Sometimes I feel like I'm forcing a friendship with people that don't really want to be friends with me so I back off, making the other person feel like I don't want to be friends with them. It can be tricky, but I think Alisha gave the best advice that could be given on the topic.
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