Dear Alisha

My bedroom. Because that's the scene of the crime for this next question.

Against my better judgment and the warnings of trusted friends, I am answering this suspicious question. After not posting for a week, I feel I owe you something interesting to debate.

Dear Alisha,
My wife has a terrible habit of passing gas while under the covers. She goes to bed before me almost every night. So when I flip the covers at the end of a long day, I'm hit with a wave of sulfur. I don't find it very lady like and it absolutely repulses me. When I bring it up to her, it's all denial and she gets very offended that I would even suggest that she does such a thing. It's not helping our romantic life. The reminder of the smell, makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

Sincerely,
Suffering with Sulfur

Dear Suffering with Sulfur,

Like I said, I am suspicious. I have never known a woman to behave this way. But maybe, like women abusing men, it's hushed up and swept under the covers. I am willing to bet that at least 50% of my readers are now asking themselves "wait, is that my husband who asked the question!? No wait, he goes to bed before me. Whew."

If you are telling the truth, our Suffering Husband, then your wife seems to have a gastric problem. I suspect a food allergy, something that is not agreeing with her system. It can take some work to figure out the culprit, but obviously it's worth it in the long run. Other possibilities include a side effect from medication or could she be pregnant? I hope you are not the kind of husband I have heard about that allows himself to pass gas freely, around his wife at any time, any place, but throws a baby fit if she lets one little toot slip free. There's a special place in hell for those kind of pigs.

Anyways, I'm going to take this opportunity to lecture women on the virtues of keeping your Romantic Life thriving. Our husbands see us at our worst (think sick, vomiting, post pardum, stranded with out toilet paper and on and on). Hopefully he has also seen you at your best. But it's the in between that makes up most of our lives. In this same vein, I have a few suggestions for helping women stay alluring in their husbands eyes. (Straight from the Facinating Women handbook. Just kidding.):

• Do not parade around the house in your most hideous, unflattering underwear, you know what I mean.
• Unless necessary, keep information on unpleasant bodily functions to yourself.
• Keep your more gruesome grooming (tweezing unwanted hair, your need for extra strength deodorent, femine supply products, etc) to yourself.
• Use the bathroom fan.
  
• Look your best at least once a week. In case you are wondering, I shoot for twice a week.
• The rest of the time try to look respectable and somewhat attractive.
• Do not pass smelly gas around the house and expect him not to notice. Gross.

Is that so much to ask? The above wisdom is applicable to men and women alike. A lot more could be said on this subject, but my advice is based on the subject matter of today's question.
In the comment room I welcome your opinion and tasteful advice for Suffering with Sulfur.

If you have other advice to share as it pertains to bodily functions and marital romance, I cautiously invite you to share it. (This is also a test. Don't make me turn on comment moderation.)

*Dear Mr. Suffering, I forgot to get after you for being so passive about your complaint. Read Rachel D's advice in the comment room to find out your roll in this.

What could be the last of "Where's Whitman"