Against my better judgment and the warnings of trusted friends, I am answering this suspicious question. After not posting for a week, I feel I owe you something interesting to debate.
Dear Alisha,
My wife has a terrible habit of passing gas while under the covers. She goes to bed before me almost every night. So when I flip the covers at the end of a long day, I'm hit with a wave of sulfur. I don't find it very lady like and it absolutely repulses me. When I bring it up to her, it's all denial and she gets very offended that I would even suggest that she does such a thing. It's not helping our romantic life. The reminder of the smell, makes me throw up a little in my mouth.
Sincerely,
Suffering with Sulfur
Dear Suffering with Sulfur,
Like I said, I am suspicious. I have never known a woman to behave this way. But maybe, like women abusing men, it's hushed up and swept under the covers. I am willing to bet that at least 50% of my readers are now asking themselves "wait, is that my husband who asked the question!? No wait, he goes to bed before me. Whew."
If you are telling the truth, our Suffering Husband, then your wife seems to have a gastric problem. I suspect a food allergy, something that is not agreeing with her system. It can take some work to figure out the culprit, but obviously it's worth it in the long run. Other possibilities include a side effect from medication or could she be pregnant? I hope you are not the kind of husband I have heard about that allows himself to pass gas freely, around his wife at any time, any place, but throws a baby fit if she lets one little toot slip free. There's a special place in hell for those kind of pigs.
Anyways, I'm going to take this opportunity to lecture women on the virtues of keeping your Romantic Life thriving. Our husbands see us at our worst (think sick, vomiting, post pardum, stranded with out toilet paper and on and on). Hopefully he has also seen you at your best. But it's the in between that makes up most of our lives. In this same vein, I have a few suggestions for helping women stay alluring in their husbands eyes. (Straight from the Facinating Women handbook. Just kidding.):
- Do not parade around the house in your most hideous, unflattering underwear, you know what I mean.
- Unless necessary, keep information on unpleasant bodily functions to yourself.
- Keep your more gruesome grooming (tweezing unwanted hair, your need for extra strength deodorent, femine supply products, etc) to yourself.
- Use the bathroom fan.
- Look your best at least once a week. In case you are wondering, I shoot for twice a week.
- The rest of the time try to look respectable and somewhat attractive.
- Do not pass smelly gas around the house and expect him not to notice. Gross.
In the comment room I welcome your opinion and tasteful advice for Suffering with Sulfur.
If you have other advice to share as it pertains to bodily functions and marital romance, I cautiously invite you to share it. (This is also a test. Don't make me turn on comment moderation.)
*Dear Mr. Suffering, I forgot to get after you for being so passive about your complaint. Read Rachel D's advice in the comment room to find out your roll in this.
What could be the last of "Where's Whitman"![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJFVVCjoDgaQeLoDaj8rJ1lROcF4OoBgLn6SnCfxVLY0jQAimPDbZjwiT3pTf4wO-RS5NyCI0FUfkrigEHfI42Ipi2ci0uasm1K_ZDhCp-TrQmfjyjjdJ_P0MqqIMbs_KTE1_hEuDIEXW6/s400/DSC_0028.jpg)
28 comments:
Alisha! You did it anyway! I'll save my tsk tsk-ing for a private conversation with you.
Meantime, I just want to say that your response to this question goes to the heart of why I originally thought it was so absurd, and that is that it is astonishing to me that any man would find his wife unattractive for any reason. It's just not my life experience to be judged by my intimate male partner as anything other than perfection. I mean, my main problem in life is how to make myself LESS attractive.
And so what I'm hearing from you is that this is not the case for you or other women??
I just think - in general - that any man is lucky to be with any woman, so questions like this should be met with an eye roll.
There are plenty of toilets in my home that have sticky yellow yang that dried up all crusty just as said yang was dripping down the toilet bowl. So disgusting.
Even more disgusting when the seat and lid are left up for me to SEE IT. Puh-lease!
But I love man & boys in my household. And my love for is not influenced - not one iota - by the presence (or absence) of yellow dregs dripped on the bathroom floor.
In fact - I take that back. It makes me love them more - they are human. And feel human enough to be themselves - bodily functions and all - in our home. Not a guest in their house. But a family member.
This question reminds me of someone I know. Do I know who wrote this? It wasn't my husband by the way. My response to this guy would be, "get over it! Who do you think you are to judge your wife for something every person does, and can't help?" I don't expect my husband to not notice if I "toot" while he is around. I do expect him to not tell me how disgusting it is or laugh about it. I don't even mention it when he does it and it is way worse than mine.
I do think women and men shoul put forth the effort to keep their spouse attracted to them. This is different for every couple though.
totally agree.
Chelsea, In a way I agree, man is lucky. But I would disgust myself if I didn't extend to my husband the same common courtesies I would any roommate.
I am looking for an equal partner, so for the most part the rules apply to both of us. Can you imagine coming to bed with a husband who pre-stinks up the bed every night? What's the point of ironing your hemstitched linen napkins if you're going to gas out your room and partner?
I also concede the we all put up with a little something undesirable when living with someone we are comfortable with. I just don't want to abuse the privilege.
...and I think we've cleared up any suspicion that Alisha makes up these questions herself.
Alisha! I do say, this was rather amusing! Thanks for the laugh.
And to Mr. Suffering Sulfur: are you kidding me? Really? You are a man aren't you? MAN UP!!
Perhaps the suffering husband should just go to be earlier. Then he could blissfully sleep through any smells.
This post did make me want to be a little less offensive around my husband. He finds me very attractive no matter what but I think it is still good to make an effort. What husband or wife wouldn't appreciate that? I will also try not to laugh and make fun of him when he passes gas and stinks up the place. I realize that is not very nice.
Well, well, well. . . Dame has finally spilled his soul on a blog!
Whether or not this post was instigated by him or not, is irrelevant (I'm well aware of his thoughts on my "lady-likeness"—or lack there of).
Here's my take on this post. . .
I don't apologize for my bodily functions, unless I'm in a very special setting (of course I'm going to be more careful with that sort of thing say at church, at the temple, at the White House—you see where I'm going with this). All multi-cell (maybe single-cell—who am I to judge) organisms have to expel waste, and that includes noxious gases.
I do realize that a person's comfortability between how they act at home and out in public is probably different based on circumstances, but I usually don't care and cross that "line" all the time.
I wear makeup MOST of the time to church or maybe a "nice" outing, but do not waste my time otherwise (I'd rather sleep during the extra time spent on that, or get two more tasks on my ever growing "to do" list checked off).
I go some days without a shower and yes, I understand that can come off as "gross", but again I just don't worry about it. If I'm going be getting dirty, grubby, etc. with the work I'm diving in to, why the "heck" would I bother cleaning up before it? I reserve my "grooming" time to when I know I'll be able to enjoy my cleanliness longer than 5 minutes.
How do I really act when I'm at home? HAHAHA! Well, I use the bathroom with the door open (I will close it if guests are here—so please don't worry about getting a peep show when visiting). I walk around in whatever I feel like wearing, or not wearing, and I don't think twice about it. I'm only modest with respect to that when I'm in public. Probably not too different than most people, though I might want to tone it down with Camo and Colin getting so much older.
You know the more I go through my "this is me in my raw form" list, I have decided that the person who wrote to you must not be my hubby, because frankly he doesn't find me less attractive with all of my "realness" (and I do not need to go in to detail on that point) and he will even be seen with me out in public when I'm not "prettied" up.
Not sure who this dude is, but I have to say that he should count his blessings with the woman he is married to because he could be married to ME and there are LOTS of things I haven't elaborated on or divulged in my comment here about what it's like living Taryn.
He could just use me as a measuring tool and realize quickly that he doesn't have it so bad with his spouse!!
He probably couldn't hang with me for more than 5 minutes (whether on a shower day or non-shower day!!). . .
I can't believe I'm posting on this. But since this guy doesn't see the obvious fix and a man actually asked for advice (sortof -there's not a question in his question - he's just complaining - but I assume he wants help since he posted to a Q & A blog)), here I am.
Dear Suffering,
Go to bed earlier. If your wife is still awake when you come to bed, there's not a substantial difference between your bedtimes, so move yours up a bit.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that your wife won't make a dutch oven with you right beside her. Plus, if you have romantic inklings for the evening, letting you wife settle into bed for a while (and get sleepy) before you join her is NOT a good plan.
Better yet, be proactive. Let's say wifey typically goes to bed at 11:00. Around 10:45, go to your bedroom, light some candles (or whatever you two like to do - please don't tell me), and be ready for her. You're guaranteed fresh sheets and may enjoy a little romance.
Taryn, wow, thanks for the eye full. Have you seen me during the week? We have the same stylist, if you know what I mean.
Rachel, Thanks for your advice! I wish I had made it myself. I meant to address Mr. Suffering's roll in his problem but got caught up in my own commentary.
Also Lucky Mrs. Suffering, if this really is a problem and not laziness, Gas-X works wonders and if completely side effect free.
A relative of mine had bad, uncontrollable gas when he ate eggs. We all suffered. No eggs, no problem.
Wow, you even edited your post up top. I feel so validated.
I don't have much advice on the subject except maybe buy some good air freshener, or a fan.
Alisha, I LOVE your bedroom, it makes me blissfully sleepy just looking at the picture. It would be such a pleasure to fall asleep and wake up in a room like that. I bet it smells good too, right?
LOL! Despite your post subject, I am still drooling over your master bedroom!!
This is something that Greg could write, but he would be more likely to complain about him catching me pee with the door open. I have NEVER seen him pee. I don't think I have ever known of him to fart either. And he of course expects the same of me, so I still go to another room and jump around a bit (as Dr. Oz suggests)if I need to pass gas.
When he catches me peeing w/the door open he jokingly (but truthfully) exclaims, "Peeing isn't sexy!" Then I jokingly (not truthfully) tell him I hate him and slam the door. Then he tells me to take a shower and put on something snappy. Then I think, "Score." because deep down inside EVERY wife wants to be her husband's goddess of sexiness.
Sexiness isn't the same for every man. I think most men find women who are comfortable in their own skin to be the sexiest. And some men find women peeing w/the door open incredibly sexy. I'm just grateful that my husband is not one of them.
Please don't let this be the end of the Where's Whitman series!
As for the problem, I think the advice already given is as good as it gets. It stinks but what can you do? If this is really a problem for romance then find another time to woo you wife rather than after she is in bed asleep.
I'm disappointed in both parties: the wife for not owning up to her problem (spouses generally don't make this stuff up) and the husband for knocking her sexuality because of it.
I'm willing to bet their marriage has bigger issues than this.
Sorry, I couldn't bear to put this comment with the last one I made. I think the where's Whitman pictures are awesome. Admittedly, he blends in more as a newborn, but so cute in that drawer.
And your room is gorgeous. (and that is the whole real reason for this post-- so you could show off your good design skills. Which they are fabuloso.)
Just checking back to see if I passed the test. Wanted to see how many ways I could say "Pee" and "Sexy" before you turned on comment moderation. So far, "Score!".
My dirty pride is making me clarify that my husband is NOT "Suffering with Sulfur". I always go to bed after him. I am a notorious toilet clogger though...
(and this is why I had to quit facebook)
I adore Alisha. She appreciates beauty. She approaches interior design like she does personal behavior/appearance, striving for a higher standard regardless of budget or comfort.
This is not to say that we don't relax around each other when we are home. But we try not to get too relaxed if you know what I mean. Bathroom behavior should stay in the bathroom.
When we first got married, it used to drive Alisha nuts that I would shut and lock the bathroom door when using the restroom. She would claw at the door and provide compliments when hearing certain noises loud enough to escape the room just to embarrass me.
If I was like the girl in this story and was passing gas while sleeping, Alisha would start referring to me as Gassy McFarty pants and ask me to start taking Gas-Ex. She would even go out of her way to buy it for me and have it ready with a glass of water so that I would forget to take it.
That's what Alisha would do.
LTH - Laughing too hard.
I am pretty sure I know who the relative is who had that kind of reaction to eggs.
GAS-X is a blessing from heaven.
I'm gonna start setting it around different parts of the house to encourage usage.
Still love that headboard and mirror way too much.
I love the Where's Whitman pics!
Funny, just adore the farts, it's the little things that count in marriage..and surprisingly it's the small pretentious things we miss the most when were away from the other I say fart it up, breathe it in, and say aahhh..
In some waysshe had shocked him. The first no means the tape goes tomy boss and both her and her girlfriend will be ruined in the localcommunity.
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In some waysshe had shocked him. The first no means the tape goes tomy boss and both her and her girlfriend will be ruined in the localcommunity.
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