Barefoot

Photo by famous Polish photographer Barbara S.

Dear Alisha

It seems like every time I find the PERFECT dress or the PERFECT new outfit, I need new shoes to match. But finding the perfect shoes - at least at a moderately affordable price - seems impossible. Any tips? Where should I look? I also need advice on handbags, so if you have a favorite shopping place for those, I'd love to hear about it. Thanks!

Sincerely,
Barefoot

There are three aisles of shoes in my size.

Dear Barefoot,

It's time I let you in on a little secret.

First let me say that I believe in "investing" in quality footwear. A well made shoe will last longer, fit better, be more comfortable, and will just look better. Having a few pairs of really good shoes will serve you better than a mini-van load of cheap, (uncomfortable, shoddy, squeaky) shoes.

Now disregard everything I just said.

Not all styles of shoes are worth investing in (Ex. the bootie sandal trend going on right now). You don't always need them to last the long-haul. Some shoes you just need for one or two outfits. If you're like me and like trendy shoes but are not always willing or able to buy the high end versions, welcome to world of knock-offs.

No other store that I have been to has better prices on knock-offs and discounted middle-end shoes than Ross. Also, no store I frequent is more low-end or ghetto in appearance that Ross. You might say that the Marshall's or T.J. Max in your area is more run down, and it might be, but in my area Ross is the harsh lighting, slightly damaged merchandise, haggard clientele leader. Their prices are better than Marshall's and TJ's too. The Marshall's near me is fairly nice, in short it is for suburban moms with their dignity still in tact.

Ross shoes are so cheap that it's worth it to get a little dirty. The middle end brands like Guess, Ninewest, Steve Madden or Carlos (what does Santana know about shoes?) will sell for around $29.99 to $20.99. But the true knock-off, never-heard-of-brands will sell for $11.99-16.99. A steal if they actually look good.

If you've never been, a few tips:

-Bring a fun friend. All the sad clothing, bad lighting, and grungy floors can really bring you down. A friend helps keep you peppy and cheerful. Also, your sense of judgment might be askew with all the ugliness around you so it's helpful to have someone to bounce purchase ideas off of and remind you of who you are outside of the store.

-Not all shoppers will be like you. Some shoppers will be shuffling along in their flip-flops and sweatpants, yelling at their tired baby, while they try on discount leopard lingerie. (...then again maybe they are like you.)

-It is helpful if you know what it is you're knocking off. Do a little magazine/Nordstrom research before hand so you know what you hope to find.

-Don't walk in and on first glance see that everything looks blah and unappealing, then walk out. You have to dig a little bit. Find the diamond in the rough.

-Don't try to make it happen if it's just not there. Sometimes I walk in and find so many pairs of shoes I have to really edit and limit myself. ("You can't come home with 6 new pairs of platforms Alisha!") Other times I find nothing. On those occasions, it's best to walk away and not force a purchase.

This was meant to be a random smattering of the shoes they have to offer, but I could make fun of at least half the shoes up here. Isn't that right, clunky white nursing sneaker?

Open toed-booties galore.


Cheerful friend or creepy-lingerie-fiend shopper? I'll let you be the judge.

They have handbags (I never say that word! It's purses for me,) too....

Pleather, as far as the eye can see.

I know much advice is given otherwise, but I'm not opposed to a cheaper "handbag" for the reason that I buy a new purse every spring and fall. Keeps things fresh.

What I bought this trip. I didn't see any shoes I liked. Is it a trashcan or an ice bucket? Come to my next party to find out.

Small Ears

Funny cat posters get me every time!

Dear Alisha,

I have a friend who is constantly giving me her calendar, i.e. I'm doing this and this and this (never anything particularly interesting, just routine stuff). And she tells me crap like, just wait until your kids are older, life gets ten times crazier than it was when they were little. It annoys me to no end. She seems to act stressed out over the slightest thing, it requires major planning to do anything with her beforehand.

Am I the only one who is unimpressed with people who are "too busy"? I don't want to hear the full itinerary, I just want to have a decent, fun conversation with people.

Sincerely,
small ears

Dear Small Ears,

How do you think I feel? Don't you think I have better things to do than to hear you complain about your friends? I mean, having 3 small boys really keeps me plenty busy. Just getting them dressed and groomed in the morning is a sweaty wrestling match. Then there's the day in and day out picking-up-after and cleaning. Laundry! Don't even get me started on laundry! My baby still wakes up most nights around 4am....

Okay, here's the beautiful thing about friends: you pick them. You don't necessarily have to keep them in your life. If you can not steer the conversation to more pleasant topics and you don't find your time with her rewarding, drop her like she's hot. Don't go do something crazy like disowning her, just don't make an effort to spend time with her any more.

I think we are all ready to move on to more important issues...

(Stay tuned for a post on knock-off shoes!)

They Say the Neon Lights Are Bright, On Ebay...

I hardly get enough chances to talk about myself, so today I thought I'd treat you to my ebay update.
Remember the vintage dresses I asked your opinions on? (Refresh your memory here.) Here's how it all went down. I did not buy any of the dresses shown that day. I found a good reason not to buy each one of them. Unbeknown to you, I had a couple of other dresses that I just knew I would love, so I didn't even bother to consult you on them. I won some and I lost some, but I'm the lucky owner of the following dresses:

On a whim I bid on our first dress and nobody else did so it was mine for $.99. But then the shipping was $10.99. "That's how they get you." The dress arrived in mint condition. I am a steady size 8 and this dress claimed to be a size 8/10. Upon trying on the dress I quickly realized that must have meant a vintage size 8 because it fit like a size 2/4, much, much too small.

This photo is of an old lady, I mean skinny friend trying it on. It was too big for her and didn't fit her body type. So if you're a busty size 4 and don't mind itchy lace, give me a call. (We both agreed we would shorten the sleeves.)

Before you see the second dress, I want you to imagine what I envisioned: a light, cotton print, rather sweet summer day dress. The dress was shown pinned on a manikin and even Justin thought it looked pretty. It was said to be a modern medium in size....

I thought this photo would look best with a cigarette dangling from my mouth, but I don't even know anyone nearby that I could borrow a cig from. That's how righteous I am.*

Perfect. Just perfect. It turned out to be a housecoat, big zipper down the front and all. I don't know in what era is was ever a medium, it fits like an XL.

So far I hadn't had much success, too small, too big, but #3 would be just right. I just knew it! And so, with high hopes, I waited for my package. And waited. And waited. Would you believe it? The seller had heart failure and lost her house all after I won her auction. But eventually the dress did arrive...

Here I am posing uncomfortably in the air.

It was wearable! I love light blue. This photo doesn't show off the neck detail, a jaunty tied knot. It was a size too big at the time but I wore it anyways. I've since lost a little weight so now it's two sizes too big, said haughtily. It would have been more flattering in my actual size but it's all a guess.

{For this next part, you may want to play the song at the bottom of this post. It was in my head for weeks while dealing with these dresses. It fits not only in title name, but in the melancholy tone too.}

There are so many pretty vintage dresses on ebay, so why is it so hard to buy the right one? I have a vintage dress that I've been wearing since 1997 that I still wear with pride now! Sure it was too big then and I can just wiggle into it now, but the dress works. That got me thinking and I checked out the dress tag and it said "Henry Lee". So I started doing dress searches on vintage Henry Lee dresses and: jackpot. There aren't very many of them, but they are just the styles I am looking for: basic, modest, feminine with a hint of uniform.

Here I am in '97 in said dress. Do you know what's unusual about this picture? (The prominent fork? Justin's snarl? ((no)). I don't have any makeup on! A real rarity at the time.

Here's where things get sad. I lost the bids on two really cute Henry Lee dresses. I don't know how except that someone with auction stealer must have been collecting Henry Lee dresses as well. I am still angry about it. When I saw this next dress come up, I was ready and desperate. I've been looking for a pink dress all spring.

I love this dress. I mean I LOVE It. Sure, the bow is sticking out and needs to be tacked down flat, but that's an easy fix. I think I would look fantastic in it. It is a vintage size 10 with no stretch, which is about a size 4 now. I knew this when I bought it. I was hoping for a miracle, but no, it's too small. I had a smaller friend try it on with generous intentions on my part, but when I saw her in it I wanted to rip it right off her. So the dress with continue to hang in my closet.

Lastly, I bought this non-Henry Lee pink dress and it fits decent. I don't love it like the above dress, but it satisfied my pink craving.
And that's my sad tale. I continue to watch for Henry Lee dresses on ebay. There is a different brand, Henry Lee Petites, that shows up all the time but it's not the same thing.



"Henry Lee", by Nick Cave and PJ Harvey. Warning: Harvey sings "damn" in her first riff of the song. Justin likes to say that I'm the PJ Harvey to his Nick Cave. If he could, he would wear his hair just like Cave too.

*I wrote this post while still wearing my flower housecoat.

Not Your Typical Stalker.. No, Really!

Dear Alisha,

Many times on Facebook I like to look at old friends profiles because I'm curious to see what they've done with their lives etc. I'm friends with people I went to JR high, high school, college etc. Sometimes when I'm looking at their profiles, I come across other people I would consider to be acquaintances - I still remember them but I would feel silly requesting Facebook friendship. Still, I am curious to see how they're doing as well and many times will look at as much of their profile as their security settings will allow.

My husband says it's weird and stalkerish. Some of my girlfriends and I joke about it but freely acknowledge we all do this. It's not like I'm intentionally doing this. The person with whom I'm friends will post something interesting that appears on my newsfeed so I start looking at that and before I know it, I'm looking at someone else's photos!

Where do you draw the line when it comes to looking at Facebook profiles? Does this seem weird or creepy to you? What level of "stalking" is acceptable?

Sincerely,

Not your typical stalker

Dear Creative Stalker,

Do you think even the creepiest of stalkers think they are creepy? I bet they all think they have a good reason and it makes logical sense to them. What's the big deal?

Seriously, we all do this. It is not as if we are peeking into private lives that do not wish to be exposed. Everyone knows when they post information or pictures on facebook that it up for public viewing. If it was private they should not post it.

I for one appreciate the new feature that allows me to take a glimpse, with photos, of someone that I might know a little bit, but not enough to be their "friend". I can look, think 'huh, that's what happened to her', and move on with out an awkward should-I-invite-her-as-a friend-debate. The only problem I see with it is that it can be a big time-waster.

This should make you feel better: is there anybody out there that does NOT do this? Don't we all like a little stalking? Now kindly reveal your favorite person to stalk in the comment room....

Press Along

Some of you have told me this is what you've been waiting for...

Our ironing talk.

Forgive me, but it's going to be more of a lecture.

I just cannot see how some of you think this is an optional task. Yes, yes we have a hundred things to do during the week and it sounds virtuous if we say we skip over this "to spend time on what really matters". But it matters! You must iron in order to present yourself as a civilized person. Before you dismiss me, let me unpack my bag.

A hundred years ago, and even only 50 years ago, laundry use to be an arduous task. Here's Jana's summary of depression era laundry day :

"As for the laundry process, everyone was involved. First they sorted and emptied pockets, then turned every thing inside out to brush out all the seeds and stickers and dirt, soak it in a cool tub, boil a big kettle of water - only rainwater collected in a cistern though, hard water was too hard on the clothes - grandpa would shred the soap the night before and warm it on the warm range all night. Put the clothes in the boiler with soap. Whites first and then men's work clothes last. Everyone took turns working the washing paddles until it was time for school, when the clothes were clean they lifted them out of the water, put them through a hand-turned wringer and then into a cool tub of rinse water, then wrung them out again... Then all that again for the next load of laundry. THEN you dipped all the freshly washed laundry into a starch bath and hung it out to dry. Which was a another perfected art in itself - hanging it just so, so it would wrinkle as little as possible. And finally, they'd sprinkle water on the clothes, roll them tightly and put them in a basket to be ironed the next day."

Do we have to do half as much work as that? We push a few buttons and it's done. They still went to the trouble of ironing their clothes after all that work! We not only have easy washing, but comparatively easy ironing too. No iron to stick in the coals. Not everything we own is in need of ironing.

I know many of you who do not iron. Usually, like the bald patches, unevenness, and awkward lines of those who cut their own hair, you do not need to brag that you skip this chore. Your "work" speaks for itself. Your collars have all the crispness of an ancient treasure map. Your dress shirts looks like they were in a fist fight and lost. I'd say your table linens look tired and sad, but you don't use table linens.

I have noticed three classes of non-ironers:

Class 1-You don't know how to iron because your housekeeper always did if for you. Or you take all your clothes to the dry cleaners to have them pressed. (Rich!)

Class 2- you are able to hide behind wrinkle free shirts and easy care fabrics. You have developed tricks to produce reasonably smooth clothing straight from the dryer. But eventually this catches up to you. Your wrinkle free shirt has lost it's body and needs a good press with starch. Your son's collar has lost it's shape.

Class 3- you don't iron, don't care, and either look sloppy or wear stretch-only clothing.

Here is my case for ironing:
-It makes your clothes look nicer, more expensive.
-Wrinkles make you look fatter and sloppy.
-Today's fabrics iron easier and stay smooth with a little encouragement

-There is no replacement for real cotton table linens. Not so fast, polyester.

-Ironing can be short and pleasant. It takes an hour a week or less of my time. When I have a stack I put on a movie/reality tv show after the kids have gone to bed and press along to the entertainment.

A few details:

-Ironing napkins is the perfect beginner ironing project. They are fast, taking a minute each, easy, and satisfying to see stacked up.

-Expensive irons are nice, but cheap irons work well. Invest in a good ironing board that doesn't wobble, and a good cover that attaches underneath so that it doesn't come off when you are handling large pieces.

-I always use a spray bottle. Irons that you fill with water for steam always end up having problems and leaving rust spots eventually. I'll take a spray bottle with a nice, fine stream.

-My husband irons his own clothes and our boys' church clothes on Sunday mornings.

-Occasionally, when I'm feeling nice and remember, I scoop up my husbands dress shirts and take them to the cleaners. They wash and starch them for $2 each. This is money well spent as they come back looking perfect and the starch stays in the fabric for a couple of washes.

-I still buy and appreciate wrinkle free, easy care, knit, and stretchy fabrics. I don't iron because I love the task but rather I love the look of well cared for clothing and linens.

If you don't iron, why? Why??! And what class are you?

Lines at the Gym

Tonight I feel 1) lazy and 2) like trying something new. So I thought I'd introduce a new feature. We can call it
"Reader's Rant" ......or the more gentler

"Reader to Reader"
Either way, there was no question here but some good advice that did not come from me.*

Dear Readers,

This one’s for the ladies at the gym.

First, pat yourself on the back for making the effort the exercise. Getting to the gym can be such an ordeal, especially for us mommies. But girls, gather ‘round. We need to talk.

Yoga pants and other stretchy lycra-filled products are all the rage these days - and why not! They’re super comfy. But lycra and granny panties DO NOT MIX. You WILL have panty lines. They will be noticeable. Guaranteed.

Just think – stair master, treadmill, cycle, step aerobics – everyone behind you knows whether you’re wearing high-leg or mid-rise, lace trim or seamless. YOU NEED A THONG.

Yes, thongs feel different the first time you wear them. But you’ll learn to love them. I promise.

Now when you’re shopping for your gym thong, there are two things to keep in mind. (1) You’re not shopping for the kind of thong your husband likes. Think practical. Body By Victoria or such. (Though if this is your first thong, maybe your husband won’t be too picky. But I digress…) (2) Color counts. Thin, quick dry fabric can be sheer when you move and stretch. If your gym pants are black, buy a black or dark grey thong. Buff / nude color is also an acceptable option. NEVER wear white. Even if your gym pants are white, you’d wear buff colored undies. That’s just the way it is.

So, are we clear on that? Good! See you at the gym.

Sincerely,
Panty Lines

As usual, feel free to tell me what you think.

* I am neither advocating or opposing thongs.

Dear Mrs. What-if-ington

(Day 3- Some of you whined about your dinner, so dessert is going to be light tonight.)


Dear Alisha and Readers,

Would your husband rather come home to a clean house and a haggard wife? Or a messy, dirty house and glammed up wife? (Glammed up meaning looking her best.)

Sincerely,
Mrs. What-if-ington

Dear Mrs. What-If,

My husband comes home to both....if we are having a party that starts in about 5 minutes. Most other days he gets a messy house and a haggard wife.

If he was smart he would pick the clean house. It takes much longer to clean an entire house than it takes for me to get ready. And when my house is clean I am most likely in a good mood. But men, who knows what he'll say.

I will ask him and post his answer in the comment room.

Let's all be good sports and ask our husbands their preference.
I can't imagine that anyone's answer will affect their lives in any kind of way, but let's see what you have to say.

Not "Less Active"

(Day 2) Today's post is more serious than usual but meaty and filling.*

Dear Alisha,

I am not LDS (mormon), but my family is. As a result of our religious differences, I feel that I can’t share any of my difficulties with them. There are times when I desperately want their advice, but I’ve learned to not even ask the question because 1. They will judge me, and 2. Their advice is always based on their beliefs.

Is there a median, or should I just give up? I am not embarrassed or ashamed of the happy life that I live, but because of our differences, can I ever openly share who I am with my family?

Sincerely,
Not "Less Active"

I have thought about this question and almost decided to skip it because it is a little more serious than the frivolity I usually hand out. But I thought of just the right person who could take on this question, so... for today only....

We have a Guest Advisor!

It is my Aunt Chris. She is a therapist, author, mother of 5, Grandmother of 3, advisor to our entire family, go-getter that is impossible not love. She has the unique quality combination of being honest and sensitive. Here's what she had to say:

Dear Not “Less Active,”

Your plight raises a couple of questions for me. You say that you are not LDS but your family is. Does that mean that you once were LDS but no longer consider yourself to be, or does it mean that your family members are LDS and you have never been so? The answer makes a difference.

If you were once LDS but no longer consider yourself to be, I suspect that your family members feel sadness and concern for you. This doesn’t mean that they are judging you, but you know where they stand doctrinally. They would very much want you to “come back to the fold.” This is not judgmental, it’s a normative response to what they – and you – have been taught. You may have decided that you no longer wish to participate in the LDS Church and that is certainly your right…but to expect that your family members will not feel disappointment or sadness over this is probably not realistic. It will take some thick skin and a lot of love and restraint for you all to avoid hurt feelings and/or sadness in order to communicate effectively. That is just a truth. It doesn’t make either one of you – or any of you – wrong…there are just some realities about the life and culture of the church that for those of us who are members, we dearly want our loved ones to join with us and be with us as part of the “forever family” we believe in. That isn’t judgment. Each person has agency to choose what they will. But will your family members’ disappointment be palpable to you if you choose not to participate when you may have been raised in the church? Yes, it will.

On the other hand, if you have never participated in the church and have no desire to, they may attempt to proselyte you in, but your choice to remain apart from the LDS church won’t cause that same kind of disappointment. I would hope that all family members would respect your choices and accept your beliefs without judgment. It’s not clear from your question whether you feel your family members actually have judged you or whether you simply fear that they will. Hopefully they accept that you have a different set of values and, never having been a part of the church, they may wish you would want to take part, but will accept the reality that you don’t.

The second part of your statement is simply fact. “Their advice is always based on their beliefs.” Isn’t that true for all of us? What else would we base our advice on? The only thing we have to inform our advice is our beliefs. That doesn’t mean we should take our religious affiliation and pound it on someone’s head, but, again – if you once participated in the church and no longer do, the interactions you have with your family members will likely be different than if you have never participated. It does feel a bit unrealistic that you would ask your active LDS family members to give you “advice” and not expect that their comments would be based in their beliefs about what constitutes healthy and happy living. I honestly wouldn’t know how to give advice to anyone that isn’t based in my beliefs. As a therapist, for example, if I am faced with a client whose lifestyle, beliefs and/or behaviors are different enough from mine to cause a conflict in my ability to give objective advice, it is my ethical responsibility to inform them that I have biases which may impact the objectivity and impartiality with which I counsel them…and offer them the opportunity to receive counsel elsewhere. That’s the impact of our beliefs. They’re there. They’re part of us. To expect people who love you to advise you somehow outside of what they believe and hold dear is not realistic.

You are saying that at times you “desperately want” your family’s advice…but it sounds like that only goes to the line where their beliefs may differ from yours. When that line is crossed you really don’t want to hear what they have to say. I freely acknowledge that there are some families where LDS beliefs are used as a bludgeon and it’s difficult to discuss openly and healthfully because opinions are formed and there isn’t a lot of openness. The most important factor, I would think, is that you be willing to share with your family members…”Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, Cousin, whoever…there are things I truly want to share with you and I genuinely would like your advice, but it’s difficult for me to openly share with you because I feel you are judgmental of me and you don’t accept my lifestyle or choices. This creates distance in our relationship and it’s painful to me.” If you can openly share that, I would hope that your family members would be willing to engage in a genuine conversation in which you all acknowledge the challenge of sharing feelings openly when there is such emotionally-charged material as difference in religious beliefs at the heart.

My hope would be that as family members you all can realize that careful honesty, caring, empathy, compassion and love need to be at the heart of all your communications. There are things that will be challenging to discuss because they bring our values and attachments clearly to the surface. When we disagree at a core level about those things, it will involve patience, understanding and learning to make allowances for another way of thinking. This is not easy to do, but it is certainly possible. It requires that people quell their immediate emotions and genuinely listen for understanding.

While you hope for your family’s understanding and acceptance of your choices – and that is an appropriate hope – you must also understand and accept theirs if you hope to have healthy communication. While you can certainly communicate that you feel frustration and hesitation about sharing because their beliefs are so powerful, to expect them to put their beliefs and values aside in favor of advising you outside of those beliefs and values is probably not realistic. One option is that you might listen to their advice as they give it and then say something like, “is it possible for you to take your LDS glasses off and advise me outside of those values?” Their answer might be, “I love you with all my heart and want very much for us to communicate openly and healthfully, but unfortunately, my LDS affiliation is a very deep part of who I am and I don’t think I can honestly put it aside. I can answer you based on principles that feel genuine to me and try to avoid knocking you over the head with LDS jargon, but it’s not really possible for me to pretend that those are not my values.”

One thing that I think is very important for you to check in with yourself about is this: is it possible you want your LDS family to prove to you that you are acceptable and lovable to them even though you walk a different way? Are you testing them? Is there a part of you that is kind of making a reverse demand: If you love me, you’ll put your LDS beliefs aside and just approve of my choices and feel fine that I’ve rejected your way of life? It’s important that you answer those questions for yourself honestly because at the root of your question to Dear Alisha may be something very different than wanting caring advice. You might actually be wanting your family to prove something to you such as – which do you love more, me or the Gospel? That is a dicey place to be…and the answer to that question is, “I love you and the Gospel and that is not a choice I can make.”

I hope this answer makes sense to you and that you will think carefully about it. I hear that you feel a lot of love for your family and value their advice. I feel pretty confident that they also feel a lot of love for you and value you. The most important thing is that you allow those loving feelings to reach out to each other in order to bridge the very dicey gap of emotionally-held religious differences. Try to tamp down your own emotions as you share and let your genuine regard for each other lead the way. Be patient and try to stay calm, sharing honestly what you are feeling. You may need to stop and start again. Maybe even several times. But if you genuinely are invested in prizing the relationships and holding on to them, you will be able to communicate. Don’t “give up.” Don’t walk away. This is your family. You love them. They love you. Hope that helps.

She's good, right? Well don't get too attached! This was a one-time-only deal! A big thanks to my Aunt Chris and hope it goes well Not Less Active.

*image from dinnerwithjulie.com

Back with a Vengeance

(Don't try to make the picture apply to the text.)

Dear Readers,

You may have noticed I've been away for the past couple of weeks. No, no, I'm fine, and your many emails and notes of concern have been touching. I've been away for a few reasons. Last March I started watching Lost on Netflicks, and that has really eaten into my free time. Fortunately for you, I finished off the series last night. (So the island is the source of what?) Additionally, I've been on a strict diet that takes up a lot of my time. "Huh?", you ask. It is because this diet is full of fresh vegetables and lean meats and that means I have to prepare and cook and shop for each and every meal and snack of my day. So much washing and chopping. I could go on, but instead I'll tell you that you can encourage me by commenting on how thin I look when you see me, even if you don't notice a difference. (Blog comments accepted as well.)

Lastly, I have found myself in a blogging slump: what's the point anyways?? Sure I enjoy being bossy, but is this really what I want to spend my time on? Shouldn't I be feeding the poor or teaching a foreign language to my children? So rather than half-heartedly posting here and there, I am trying this experiment: for the next week I will post every single day. That's right, contain yourself, I will post each day for a week. You can encourage me by sending in your tedious questions or commenting as if you cared. In the end, only I can decide if it's worth it.

Warning: I may be a little cranky this next week. This diet keeps my blood sugar low and I'm still adjusting. We're all adjusting.

Starting... now!