Not "Less Active"

(Day 2) Today's post is more serious than usual but meaty and filling.*

Dear Alisha,

I am not LDS (mormon), but my family is. As a result of our religious differences, I feel that I can’t share any of my difficulties with them. There are times when I desperately want their advice, but I’ve learned to not even ask the question because 1. They will judge me, and 2. Their advice is always based on their beliefs.

Is there a median, or should I just give up? I am not embarrassed or ashamed of the happy life that I live, but because of our differences, can I ever openly share who I am with my family?

Sincerely,
Not "Less Active"

I have thought about this question and almost decided to skip it because it is a little more serious than the frivolity I usually hand out. But I thought of just the right person who could take on this question, so... for today only....

We have a Guest Advisor!

It is my Aunt Chris. She is a therapist, author, mother of 5, Grandmother of 3, advisor to our entire family, go-getter that is impossible not love. She has the unique quality combination of being honest and sensitive. Here's what she had to say:

Dear Not “Less Active,”

Your plight raises a couple of questions for me. You say that you are not LDS but your family is. Does that mean that you once were LDS but no longer consider yourself to be, or does it mean that your family members are LDS and you have never been so? The answer makes a difference.

If you were once LDS but no longer consider yourself to be, I suspect that your family members feel sadness and concern for you. This doesn’t mean that they are judging you, but you know where they stand doctrinally. They would very much want you to “come back to the fold.” This is not judgmental, it’s a normative response to what they – and you – have been taught. You may have decided that you no longer wish to participate in the LDS Church and that is certainly your right…but to expect that your family members will not feel disappointment or sadness over this is probably not realistic. It will take some thick skin and a lot of love and restraint for you all to avoid hurt feelings and/or sadness in order to communicate effectively. That is just a truth. It doesn’t make either one of you – or any of you – wrong…there are just some realities about the life and culture of the church that for those of us who are members, we dearly want our loved ones to join with us and be with us as part of the “forever family” we believe in. That isn’t judgment. Each person has agency to choose what they will. But will your family members’ disappointment be palpable to you if you choose not to participate when you may have been raised in the church? Yes, it will.

On the other hand, if you have never participated in the church and have no desire to, they may attempt to proselyte you in, but your choice to remain apart from the LDS church won’t cause that same kind of disappointment. I would hope that all family members would respect your choices and accept your beliefs without judgment. It’s not clear from your question whether you feel your family members actually have judged you or whether you simply fear that they will. Hopefully they accept that you have a different set of values and, never having been a part of the church, they may wish you would want to take part, but will accept the reality that you don’t.

The second part of your statement is simply fact. “Their advice is always based on their beliefs.” Isn’t that true for all of us? What else would we base our advice on? The only thing we have to inform our advice is our beliefs. That doesn’t mean we should take our religious affiliation and pound it on someone’s head, but, again – if you once participated in the church and no longer do, the interactions you have with your family members will likely be different than if you have never participated. It does feel a bit unrealistic that you would ask your active LDS family members to give you “advice” and not expect that their comments would be based in their beliefs about what constitutes healthy and happy living. I honestly wouldn’t know how to give advice to anyone that isn’t based in my beliefs. As a therapist, for example, if I am faced with a client whose lifestyle, beliefs and/or behaviors are different enough from mine to cause a conflict in my ability to give objective advice, it is my ethical responsibility to inform them that I have biases which may impact the objectivity and impartiality with which I counsel them…and offer them the opportunity to receive counsel elsewhere. That’s the impact of our beliefs. They’re there. They’re part of us. To expect people who love you to advise you somehow outside of what they believe and hold dear is not realistic.

You are saying that at times you “desperately want” your family’s advice…but it sounds like that only goes to the line where their beliefs may differ from yours. When that line is crossed you really don’t want to hear what they have to say. I freely acknowledge that there are some families where LDS beliefs are used as a bludgeon and it’s difficult to discuss openly and healthfully because opinions are formed and there isn’t a lot of openness. The most important factor, I would think, is that you be willing to share with your family members…”Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother, Cousin, whoever…there are things I truly want to share with you and I genuinely would like your advice, but it’s difficult for me to openly share with you because I feel you are judgmental of me and you don’t accept my lifestyle or choices. This creates distance in our relationship and it’s painful to me.” If you can openly share that, I would hope that your family members would be willing to engage in a genuine conversation in which you all acknowledge the challenge of sharing feelings openly when there is such emotionally-charged material as difference in religious beliefs at the heart.

My hope would be that as family members you all can realize that careful honesty, caring, empathy, compassion and love need to be at the heart of all your communications. There are things that will be challenging to discuss because they bring our values and attachments clearly to the surface. When we disagree at a core level about those things, it will involve patience, understanding and learning to make allowances for another way of thinking. This is not easy to do, but it is certainly possible. It requires that people quell their immediate emotions and genuinely listen for understanding.

While you hope for your family’s understanding and acceptance of your choices – and that is an appropriate hope – you must also understand and accept theirs if you hope to have healthy communication. While you can certainly communicate that you feel frustration and hesitation about sharing because their beliefs are so powerful, to expect them to put their beliefs and values aside in favor of advising you outside of those beliefs and values is probably not realistic. One option is that you might listen to their advice as they give it and then say something like, “is it possible for you to take your LDS glasses off and advise me outside of those values?” Their answer might be, “I love you with all my heart and want very much for us to communicate openly and healthfully, but unfortunately, my LDS affiliation is a very deep part of who I am and I don’t think I can honestly put it aside. I can answer you based on principles that feel genuine to me and try to avoid knocking you over the head with LDS jargon, but it’s not really possible for me to pretend that those are not my values.”

One thing that I think is very important for you to check in with yourself about is this: is it possible you want your LDS family to prove to you that you are acceptable and lovable to them even though you walk a different way? Are you testing them? Is there a part of you that is kind of making a reverse demand: If you love me, you’ll put your LDS beliefs aside and just approve of my choices and feel fine that I’ve rejected your way of life? It’s important that you answer those questions for yourself honestly because at the root of your question to Dear Alisha may be something very different than wanting caring advice. You might actually be wanting your family to prove something to you such as – which do you love more, me or the Gospel? That is a dicey place to be…and the answer to that question is, “I love you and the Gospel and that is not a choice I can make.”

I hope this answer makes sense to you and that you will think carefully about it. I hear that you feel a lot of love for your family and value their advice. I feel pretty confident that they also feel a lot of love for you and value you. The most important thing is that you allow those loving feelings to reach out to each other in order to bridge the very dicey gap of emotionally-held religious differences. Try to tamp down your own emotions as you share and let your genuine regard for each other lead the way. Be patient and try to stay calm, sharing honestly what you are feeling. You may need to stop and start again. Maybe even several times. But if you genuinely are invested in prizing the relationships and holding on to them, you will be able to communicate. Don’t “give up.” Don’t walk away. This is your family. You love them. They love you. Hope that helps.

She's good, right? Well don't get too attached! This was a one-time-only deal! A big thanks to my Aunt Chris and hope it goes well Not Less Active.

*image from dinnerwithjulie.com