Dear Alisha
I have a family member that I have always really enjoyed and get along very well with. We see each other at least once a month at various family functions as well as at each other's children's birthday parties. The problem? We always bring a gift for their children's birthdays and they have never once brought a gift for our children. I'm not usually a score keeper but it has happened several times now and I'm beginning to think they just come for the free food. Do I stop inviting them to our children's birthday parties, not take a present to their children's or just smile and pretend there is nothing wrong? And please don't recommend the third option as I am about to rip my hair out. Thanks Alisha!
Sincerely,
Balding Gift Giver
Dear Balding,
You are going to be glad that these questions are completely anonymous.
First, let me remind you of what a gift is "something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation or expectation of a return". Thanks Merriam-Webster.
As far as I can tell, your family member is not compelling you to bring him/her gifts. This seems to be your own choice. So that leaves the second part of the definition, "without compensation". If you are expecting something in return, like a another gift, you are not a gift giver.
Maybe your family member can not afford to give a gift to each extended family member at their birthday, or maybe they think that the whole lavishing children with gifts things is over done, maybe they really are coming for the free food. (Ha! I've never met one adult who actually likes attending kid birthday parties. Most consider it an act of charity.) Maybe they really are being selfish. Or maybe they have been taking your "gifts" for what they are suppose to be- a considerate act given out of the goodness of your own heart, without the expectation of return.
What ever the case, the problem lies with you. You don't need to "smile and pretend that nothing is wrong" because nothing is wrong. I will concede that often when you give a gift it is common for the receiver to reciprocate. But that is not a requirement. Maybe this relative of yours keeps thinking, 'sure, these gifts are nice, but when is Balding going to catch on that I don't want to exchange gifts? I keep not giving her kids gifts and she keeps lavishing them on mine."
That you would consider ignoring or not inviting a family member you enjoy over a difference in how you prioritize gift giving seems really petty.
In short, the problem is yours. Stop giving gifts or learn the true meaning of giving. It will be a good lesson for you kids too, so don't even try to mention their hurt little feelings. Their feelings will only be hurt if you let them think they have a reason to feel jilted.
You're welcome.
18 comments:
Ouch, that was a little harsh. But I guess I did leave out the part that I have never, not even once, gotten a thank you for the gifts for their children's birthdays.
I want to say, shame on you, Balding gift giver. I don't think Alisha's reply is harsh at all. In fact I completely agree with Alisha. It was an honest answer. I think that the giver should feel good about the giving and let that be enough. If you care about the person and you care about the kids then it shouldn't matter who gave what and who didn't say thank you. Saying thank you or sending a thank you is polite but shouldnt' be expected. I don't think that you should give with expectations and if you enjoy the person and their company then that should be enough. Build on the relationship not worry about the material objects. In the end, the material things won't even matter but if you lose a family member or friendship over this that would truely be sad.
Okay, in the questioner's defense, this TOTALLY describes my family. I can understand where she is coming from, and even though she probably knows that she's being a little petty, it's hard not to have those feelings. However, Alisha is right, there's really nothing to be done except change your attitude or grin and bear it, whichever is easier. But coming from a family that "keeps score" about everything, I think a lot of the questioner's attitudes come from her upbringing and environment. Also, it's good to remember that different people place different value on gifts. Remember the 5 love languages? Maybe the questioner's love language is "receiving gifts" and her relative just doesn't value them the same.
Blah blah blee blah... gifts, score keeping, whatev...
All I know is the Balding Lady pics have me postively entranced! Hilarious!!
Alisha, you picked the best pictures to go with this post. I love them. But commenting on the post...
I agree with you in that you should give a gift not expecting anything in return, not even a thank you. But I can totally see how these feelings would come and would find it frustrating a little. I think what you said is a nice (or blunt) little reminder about gift giving.
Opposite question... If someone mentions they have a Christmas gift for you do you accept it without offering anything but thanks in return, or come up with something about how you hadn't planned on giving them their gift until closer to Christmas, even though you hadn't planned on giving them a gift. If the first, how do you graciously thank them without leaving the awkward pause in the conversation meant for discussing your gift for them?
from the post:
Q: Do I stop inviting them to our children's birthday parties
A: if the only reason you invite them is to get gifts, then yes, stop inviting them.
Q: not take a present to their children
A: if you only give their children gifts because you want gifts for your children, then yes, stop "giving gifts", in fact, why don't you instead just buy something for your kid on their kid's birthday - problem solved!
Q: or just smile and pretend there is nothing wrong?
A: yes, because there IS nothing wrong.
this is so stupid and petty, yet entertaining.
spot on spot on with your advice, Alisha. The simple solution is to stop bringing gifts to the family who doesn't bring gifts. It will probably relieve them. If they don't give gifts, then they must not think it's important and won't even notice if you don't give. That way you don't feel put out and bitter when it's not reciprocated. Also just because you choose to express your sentiments a certain way, doesn't mean it's fair to expect others to express theirs that exact same way. Maybe the family doesn't gift as freely as you do, but they give other services freely that you don't do or don't want to do.
With the amount of kids who party it up every birthday and when you have a lots of kids who are invited to these parties, gift giving can run well into the $millions per month. Why should any family run up their credit cards or use their precious grocery money to buy a gift that will get lost in the huge present pile, later clutter up the house and eventually get tossed out to Goodwill. Should we have a speech about over-consumerism and how many children have way too much crud clogging up their houses and lives? mine included!
But you don't want to be the cheapie who comes empty-handed to parties. My latest trick is to scrounge up $10 and put it in a card and say Here's some money for college. That way I'm not adding to the clutter and hopefully encouraging saving for the future. It's called being a kill-joy.
I am so annoyed with this post. NEVER give a gift with an ulterior motive, which is what this person is clearly doing. How un-genuine, and my guess is the "receiver" may already be clued into this. I am often a non-gifter myself because of time or budget issues. If it is such a bother that you don't get anything back, then stop giving, and they will probably be relieved.
Um pretty sure BGG is someone in my family, haha... Amen to Janalee! We are that family that gives the lamest gifts ($5 labeled "fun certificate" if your lucky), or most of the time, nothing at all. We are trying to be better but with all the bdays (husband has 11 kids in family. 5 are young school agers. I have 5 siblings with many nieces and nephews.) it really adds up!
I do feel guilty about the times when we don't even bring a card but I think (hope) most of our friends and family know we are pretty busy (absentminded!) and would rather us come and show our love ("quality time") by being there than staying at home to avoid the embarrassment and shame for coming empty handed.
Because of the way we are I am pretty humbled and sometimes even feel guilty when someone gives us any gift or card at all. It makes me want to be better, but sometimes we take for granted the ones we love most because we assume they love us unconditionally and will understand and look past our shortcomings.
...But still, BGG gives me something to think about and I'm glad she vented and sought out for some advice! Hopefully this will help her not to take things so personally in the future :)
I'd like to change my answer, please. Thank you.
Dear Anon,
I say you CONFRONT the Scrooge! YES! Approach her in a very public arena ( such as a children's birthday party) and tell it like it is!
Say, "I am tired of giving and GIVING and recieving NOTHING in return! What do you have to say for yourself!?"
The person in question might inform you of major finacial difficulties, which will be embarrassing but WORTH IT!
I get SO tired of Anonimity and Passive Agressive behavior! Don't you? I think we should exemplify Agressive Agressive behavior.
So, gird up your loins, my friend! Fresh courage take! Let her have it! (Please let us know how it goes...)
Sincerely,
Oh dear, lots of comments. Lots of not nice comments. Oh, sorry, I mean "blunt" comments. Same thing these days, right?
Balding, you must learn the true meaning of gift giving. It's to be kind and generous and thoughtful. I can see how you'd be put out by not receiving because it feels like they're not being kind or generous or thoughtful to you. I get that, and it's a totally valid feeling. But, how can you look for other ways they show you kindness or thoughtfulness? Maybe it's not in gifts for your kids, but maybe it's something nice they said or something they remembered about you.
Being grateful is something that we should all strive to be, but throwing judgment around and expecting others to "do the right thing" isn't fair to them or very gracious on your part.
Maybe you thought Alisha's response was harsh because before you even asked the question, you knew you were being a little childish. We all do it, though. In one way or another. Now, you can take this advice and do something good with it, or be upset about it. Your choice!
Wow, all your comments have been keeping me on toes. I've appreciated them all.
Jana, I agree. I think I'm finally won over on the no-gift kid party. Mandee, we're just glad you come. We'd rather enjoy your company than a pile of (soon to be junk) gifts.
Jen, you said it so nice.
Balding, if it is your goal to make your family member feel awkward and like crap, then by all means call them out on it. You should do this, at the birthday party, at the end of the 'opening present ceremony' you should ask out loud where's their present? All eyes on them! That'll show them not to come with a present to your birthday party or anyone else. Oh! to push it a little further, you should send them a "Thank You" card for coming empty handed, because you spent so much money, putting on the birthday party, you expect a little in return.
You mention that your family member is coming for the food? What is it that you usually serve at these grand birthday parties?
Just because I'm saying all this, doesn't mean I agree with you Balding. Of the few birthday parties I've had, we don't do open present ceremonies. And when I send off my guest, their kids get a useful gift bag, and a XMAS present ranging from $25 to $50 each; that was a little "compragging" huh? Anyways, I'm the one that says 'thank you' for spending their day off coming and helping me build great memories in my home.
Lien
No gift parties are the norm around here. I like having my kids' friends come over for a party, but I hate having to figure out where to store all their gifts, especially the ones with gazillions of pieces.
It is a relief to me, too. I don't like having to go to the store just for that one present. And there are usually 4-5 friend parties per month.
Your advice was perfect. "The only one you can change is yourself."
I am a bit surprised by all the opinions on this post. I agree overall, but I also don't know if her question warranted such a backlash. Calling her petty while being petty? Hmmm...
I've started feeling a little sorry for Balding myself. Like others have said, maybe that is her love language. I bet she (could be he, but I doubt it), has already rethought her stance, will be nice to her relative, and now just wants the whole thing to go away.
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